March 17, 2017
St. Patrick's Day
Hello!
It's funny because I spent the entire last year, trying to get to a sober one year anniversary! Proud to say I did and it was a HUGE accomplishment for me! But now? The novelty has worn off! No exciting goal to reach. I am sad. I am sad that I don't drink any more. I don't have any cravings or anything, but I'm sad that I can't have a drink. I feel like I am in a different place then I was just one month ago when I reached my year soberversary. I would love to have a beer today for St. patrick's Day..and I wasn't even a beer drinker! Tomorrow night Mr. Soberat53 and I are kid free. We will end up at a nice restaurant and I know I will be sad that I can't drink. It felt different if we did this before I reached a year sober. With that one year goal on the horizon, it made me so proud of myself to be able to say no to the wine. And I wasn't sad. But now I am. Not about anything else in my life, except for that. The not drinking is so anti climatic now. I am just a sober person. It's just not sexy any more! I haven't been bothered by Mr. Soberat53's wine drinking in quite some time, but now it pisses me off!
I won't drink. I know that. But, I honestly thought that I would be so "over it" when I got to a year sober. Obviously, that is NOT the case. That one year sober milestone is just HUGE. I guess I will have to come up with some other goal..maybe not drinking related to light my fire.
Anybody else ever feel this way?
With non drinking sadness,
Sober at 53
Friday, March 17, 2017
Monday, February 6, 2017
ONE YEAR SOBER!!!!!
February 7, 2017
Hello!
ONE YEAR!!!! I can't believe it! Today is my one year soberversary! I had to wait an extra day because last year was a leap year! 366 + bottles of wine that I did not drink!!! Wow!
I never thought I could get to this point...never! I went back and read my blog from start to this point. It made me think of all of my "firsts" this past year.
My very first 2nd day AF, my first Friday, my first weekend, my first time going out sober, my first summer, my first time being a sober wife and mother, my first vacation, my first time figuring out a problem without wine, my first time being fully present in a moment, my first birthday without wine, my first holiday season, my first time dealing with grief without a drink, my first argument, my first time making love without wine, my first time being a good friend, my first time liking myself, my first time dealing with my issues without wine, my first time being truly happy.
You can see there are both bad and good "firsts." Of course these are the "firsts" that culminated after 10 + years of drinking! I am so much happier. I am so proud of myself, because, honestly, I never thought I could quit. (I know, I'm being repetitive).
I started this journey because I wanted to lose weight...and that was my "google"...quitting wine and weight loss...it led me to an article by Julian Kirkman-Page, which led me to his book "I don't drink" which was my inspiration. That book caused me to further google and I found Sobermummy...which I attribute to me sticking with it. If her blog were a book...(and it will be soon!) it would be dog eared. Her blog led me to many other blogs that really inspired me. Mrs. D is going without, Un-Tipsy Teacher, Ainsobriety just to name a few. And many of the commenters helped me a lot as well! NorthWoman 1996, GG, Ripleybelle, Angie, HabitDone....You have all inspired me and I wish I could give you each a huge hug. (And just for the record, I didn't lose ANY weight....that is, until I changed my eating habits...it took me 7 months to do that and I am down 15 lbs. But it was work!)
My life is so much better. In addition to reading sober blogs, I also went to therapy. That helped me immensely as well. Another tool that helped me was "The Bubble Hour" Podcast. I listened to it while driving in my car. It was great! Yet another tool, was reading books about drinking...both fiction and non fiction. My favorite non fiction was "Kick the Drink Easily" by Jason Vale and "Mrs. D is Going without" by Lotta Dann. Although completely different, they both helped me a lot! My favorite fiction book was "Best kept secret" by Amy Hatvany. Even though is is fiction, and not at all like my life, it struck a chord with me. And another tool that was great was a private FB group for those in the process of quitting! (Email me if you want the info.) During the passing of my father, that group was a lifeline!
I've come a long way baby...and I couldn't have done it without you all! Thank you so much for being my support and for letting me support you! Who ever thought that blogging would bring something so wonderful to my life???
This was the year of "Soberat53" who is now 54 and sober!
(and just a sidebar....because I am no longer drinking while making dinner, I am Kicking butt at Jeopardy! Previously, I was not! Maybe all of those brain cells I killed while drinking are regenerating??? hahaha)
Love,
Sober at 53 (now 54)
Hello!
ONE YEAR!!!! I can't believe it! Today is my one year soberversary! I had to wait an extra day because last year was a leap year! 366 + bottles of wine that I did not drink!!! Wow!
I never thought I could get to this point...never! I went back and read my blog from start to this point. It made me think of all of my "firsts" this past year.
My very first 2nd day AF, my first Friday, my first weekend, my first time going out sober, my first summer, my first time being a sober wife and mother, my first vacation, my first time figuring out a problem without wine, my first time being fully present in a moment, my first birthday without wine, my first holiday season, my first time dealing with grief without a drink, my first argument, my first time making love without wine, my first time being a good friend, my first time liking myself, my first time dealing with my issues without wine, my first time being truly happy.
You can see there are both bad and good "firsts." Of course these are the "firsts" that culminated after 10 + years of drinking! I am so much happier. I am so proud of myself, because, honestly, I never thought I could quit. (I know, I'm being repetitive).
I started this journey because I wanted to lose weight...and that was my "google"...quitting wine and weight loss...it led me to an article by Julian Kirkman-Page, which led me to his book "I don't drink" which was my inspiration. That book caused me to further google and I found Sobermummy...which I attribute to me sticking with it. If her blog were a book...(and it will be soon!) it would be dog eared. Her blog led me to many other blogs that really inspired me. Mrs. D is going without, Un-Tipsy Teacher, Ainsobriety just to name a few. And many of the commenters helped me a lot as well! NorthWoman 1996, GG, Ripleybelle, Angie, HabitDone....You have all inspired me and I wish I could give you each a huge hug. (And just for the record, I didn't lose ANY weight....that is, until I changed my eating habits...it took me 7 months to do that and I am down 15 lbs. But it was work!)
My life is so much better. In addition to reading sober blogs, I also went to therapy. That helped me immensely as well. Another tool that helped me was "The Bubble Hour" Podcast. I listened to it while driving in my car. It was great! Yet another tool, was reading books about drinking...both fiction and non fiction. My favorite non fiction was "Kick the Drink Easily" by Jason Vale and "Mrs. D is Going without" by Lotta Dann. Although completely different, they both helped me a lot! My favorite fiction book was "Best kept secret" by Amy Hatvany. Even though is is fiction, and not at all like my life, it struck a chord with me. And another tool that was great was a private FB group for those in the process of quitting! (Email me if you want the info.) During the passing of my father, that group was a lifeline!
I've come a long way baby...and I couldn't have done it without you all! Thank you so much for being my support and for letting me support you! Who ever thought that blogging would bring something so wonderful to my life???
This was the year of "Soberat53" who is now 54 and sober!
(and just a sidebar....because I am no longer drinking while making dinner, I am Kicking butt at Jeopardy! Previously, I was not! Maybe all of those brain cells I killed while drinking are regenerating??? hahaha)
Love,
Sober at 53 (now 54)
Sunday, January 8, 2017
1/8/2017 - 11 months
January 8, 2017
Hello!
I haven't posted in quite some time.
I can't believe that I am 11 months sober!
I thought the summer was hard...but the holiday season proved to be the most difficult so far.
Between Thanksgiving, my birthday and Christmas....it was the first time in many many years that I did not have a drink. Honestly, I was at times sad and it was hard...I did a lot of smelling my husbands wine! But I did it!
But, the very hardest, most difficult part, was that my dear sweet father died on 12/30. I had to fly 2.5 hours away and sat by his bedside for 3 days until he finally passed. He suffered from a rare neurodegenerative brain disease PSP (Progressive Supra Nuclear Palsy) for many years, so it was freeing to see him go. BUT, the first night we were there, it took every single ounce of my being not to drink when we took a break for dinner. I mean, every ounce. It was like the first weekend of not drinking times a gazillion. I am part of a sober FB group and I reached out and they saved me. Each time I was tempted to have a drink, miraculously, a FB post would show up. It was amazing. Then, I think God was on my side. I developed a horrific cold while by my dads bedside. I felt awful. SO that really helped stop the cravings. But I have had a HUGE realization. After almost 11 months of not drinking, I still craved alcohol when the going got tough. And, I almost caved! I am so grateful that I didn't because I got to be "present in the moment" and got to witness my father's last breathe...while sober. What a gift. Had I been drinking, I most likely would've missed it.
So, the gift my father gave me in his dying moments was beautiful....during something so painful, I didn't drink to numb my feelings. I got to feel and to be there for him in a way that I couldn't had I been drinking. This gives me such strength, as it is something that I never thought I could do. When the going got really tough (and even not so tough), Mrs. Soberat53 hit the bottle.
This is has been the year of "me." I quit drinking, go to therapy to help me with all of the reasons that I did drink, have become a runner, lost 15 lbs (and not from not drinking! It took a lifestyle change!) and I am so much happier. I am no longer drowning my sorrows, numbing my feelings, picking fights with my husband or kids after a few too many wines, and am just an all around better person. I think I will continue on with the year of "me" as great things have come from it.
Peace and Love,
Sober at 53
Hello!
I haven't posted in quite some time.
I can't believe that I am 11 months sober!
I thought the summer was hard...but the holiday season proved to be the most difficult so far.
Between Thanksgiving, my birthday and Christmas....it was the first time in many many years that I did not have a drink. Honestly, I was at times sad and it was hard...I did a lot of smelling my husbands wine! But I did it!
But, the very hardest, most difficult part, was that my dear sweet father died on 12/30. I had to fly 2.5 hours away and sat by his bedside for 3 days until he finally passed. He suffered from a rare neurodegenerative brain disease PSP (Progressive Supra Nuclear Palsy) for many years, so it was freeing to see him go. BUT, the first night we were there, it took every single ounce of my being not to drink when we took a break for dinner. I mean, every ounce. It was like the first weekend of not drinking times a gazillion. I am part of a sober FB group and I reached out and they saved me. Each time I was tempted to have a drink, miraculously, a FB post would show up. It was amazing. Then, I think God was on my side. I developed a horrific cold while by my dads bedside. I felt awful. SO that really helped stop the cravings. But I have had a HUGE realization. After almost 11 months of not drinking, I still craved alcohol when the going got tough. And, I almost caved! I am so grateful that I didn't because I got to be "present in the moment" and got to witness my father's last breathe...while sober. What a gift. Had I been drinking, I most likely would've missed it.
So, the gift my father gave me in his dying moments was beautiful....during something so painful, I didn't drink to numb my feelings. I got to feel and to be there for him in a way that I couldn't had I been drinking. This gives me such strength, as it is something that I never thought I could do. When the going got really tough (and even not so tough), Mrs. Soberat53 hit the bottle.
This is has been the year of "me." I quit drinking, go to therapy to help me with all of the reasons that I did drink, have become a runner, lost 15 lbs (and not from not drinking! It took a lifestyle change!) and I am so much happier. I am no longer drowning my sorrows, numbing my feelings, picking fights with my husband or kids after a few too many wines, and am just an all around better person. I think I will continue on with the year of "me" as great things have come from it.
Peace and Love,
Sober at 53
Sunday, September 11, 2016
9/11 - When my drinking took off....
7 months sober!
Hello!
I haven't been here in awhile...I read a lot of your blogs and I love them! I sometimes even post a comment. Well, I am here today, because 15 years ago today is when I became a daily drinker. September 11, 2001. My dad worked two blocks above the WTC and lived a few blocks below in Battery Park City. At the time, my youngest sister was living with him. After the 2nd plane hit, my dad ran out of his office, past the WTC, to his apartment to get my sister. As he entered his apt.. the first tower collapsed. His building filled up with smoke and he and my sister ran down 23 flights of stairs with wash cloths covering their noses and mouths. Then they were trapped in the lobby due to zero visibility. A police officer entered and told them all to run because their bldg. was going to explode. (It didn't). They physically leapt on a police boat that had already left Battery Park City. They had no fear..they just did it to save their lives. Somehow, they got to my house. To this day, they aren't sure how.
My husband worked downtown near the WTC. He also had to evacuate as his bldg. filled with smoke. In a strange sequence of events, my husband also got on a boat (this one hadn't yet departed) on a different river than my dad and sister...and there he got to NJ with another guy that was from our town! Then the 2nd tower collapsed and the air filled black. My husband got on that boat and then they found a taxi driver to take them to our home..which was about a 40 minute taxi ride. After he got home he said he needed to hug our kids so we drove to their schools and picked them up. I felt so badly for my kids as these two young boys could not understand why their father was crying. He is not a man who cries!
That morning, I was going to play tennis and I rec'd a call from a far away friend telling me not to worry about my husband, he got in touch with him and he is fine. I had no idea what he was talking about. Of course all of the phone lines were jammed. I eventually got in touch with my father, who told me that a plane hit one of the towers (which he could see from his office window). It was an accident. As I kept talking to my dad, I hear him screaming...Oh my God, Oh my God. I kept saying.."what dad? what?" Finally, he said, another plane hit the other tower. That is when he dropped the phone and ran to get to my sister.
I rushed home. When I got there, there were about 15 people on my front lawn asking me if Mark was alright. It was surreal. Thank goodness my friend had gotten in touch with him and I knew he was ok. But, I didn't know how or when he or my dad would get to me. My kids were 2, 5 and 7 years old. The older two were at school.
Then..my phone rang. It was my friend asking me to call everyone we know and start a prayer chain for her husband who was in Tower 1. My friend was 9 months pregnant with her 2nd child. And as miracles happen, my husband came into our house. An in shock husband...but I had my husband. I knew where he was. I didn't know about my dad or sister yet. I then had the opportunity to drive over to my friends house and she was outside her home with many people waiting for her husband to come home. We all prayed the rosary as a group. We kept watching TV searching for her husband. We called hospitals, police stations, news outlets...anybody. (Thank goodness she had a landline as the cells were still jammed). Her husband never came home. Her baby was born a week later.
I went home. Still no dad or sister. They eventually got to my house. If I remember correctly was around 1:00ish. We were all in a total shock. But, especially the 3 of them who were witness to the most horrible act of terrorism that our country had ever seen. The phone kept ringing and the news was bad...many many friends were missing. We didn't know what to do...so we opened wine. Bottle after bottle. I don't even think it had any effect on us because we were in such shock. The days after that were also extremely hard. The news just kept getting worse. News of another friend lost. News of another friend searching for her husband., The first responders who were at Ground Zero...
So, what did I do? I drank and drank and drank...at first (except on that horrible day) I only had one or two. But every day. It took a few years, but obviously it escalated to way more than 2 glasses per day. If I am honest, I feel like a really weak person. My stories that I share with you are NOTHING compared to what others went through. My friend who lost her husband and had a 2 year old and a newborn baby...did she turn to the bottle or drugs or another addictive substance? NO! Many other people I know whose stories are way worse than mine...did they turn to the bottle? NO! And yes, I am aware, that in the wake of a tragedy of ginormous proportions, there are people bound to turn to substance abuse. Why was I one of them? That day, I rec'd a blessing...my husband, my father and my sister...all physically unharmed.
So while I remember 9/11 as the worst day of my life so far..I also remember it as the day I started drinking daily. I can't believe it's been 15 years. I now pick myself up and move forward....it's taken me a long time....but here I am..7 months free from alcohol. This September 11, 2016, for the first time in 15 years, I can say that I am a non-drinker. On this sad day, I am able to find a sliver of happiness in that.
Love,
Sober mom at 53
Hello!
I haven't been here in awhile...I read a lot of your blogs and I love them! I sometimes even post a comment. Well, I am here today, because 15 years ago today is when I became a daily drinker. September 11, 2001. My dad worked two blocks above the WTC and lived a few blocks below in Battery Park City. At the time, my youngest sister was living with him. After the 2nd plane hit, my dad ran out of his office, past the WTC, to his apartment to get my sister. As he entered his apt.. the first tower collapsed. His building filled up with smoke and he and my sister ran down 23 flights of stairs with wash cloths covering their noses and mouths. Then they were trapped in the lobby due to zero visibility. A police officer entered and told them all to run because their bldg. was going to explode. (It didn't). They physically leapt on a police boat that had already left Battery Park City. They had no fear..they just did it to save their lives. Somehow, they got to my house. To this day, they aren't sure how.
My husband worked downtown near the WTC. He also had to evacuate as his bldg. filled with smoke. In a strange sequence of events, my husband also got on a boat (this one hadn't yet departed) on a different river than my dad and sister...and there he got to NJ with another guy that was from our town! Then the 2nd tower collapsed and the air filled black. My husband got on that boat and then they found a taxi driver to take them to our home..which was about a 40 minute taxi ride. After he got home he said he needed to hug our kids so we drove to their schools and picked them up. I felt so badly for my kids as these two young boys could not understand why their father was crying. He is not a man who cries!
That morning, I was going to play tennis and I rec'd a call from a far away friend telling me not to worry about my husband, he got in touch with him and he is fine. I had no idea what he was talking about. Of course all of the phone lines were jammed. I eventually got in touch with my father, who told me that a plane hit one of the towers (which he could see from his office window). It was an accident. As I kept talking to my dad, I hear him screaming...Oh my God, Oh my God. I kept saying.."what dad? what?" Finally, he said, another plane hit the other tower. That is when he dropped the phone and ran to get to my sister.
I rushed home. When I got there, there were about 15 people on my front lawn asking me if Mark was alright. It was surreal. Thank goodness my friend had gotten in touch with him and I knew he was ok. But, I didn't know how or when he or my dad would get to me. My kids were 2, 5 and 7 years old. The older two were at school.
Then..my phone rang. It was my friend asking me to call everyone we know and start a prayer chain for her husband who was in Tower 1. My friend was 9 months pregnant with her 2nd child. And as miracles happen, my husband came into our house. An in shock husband...but I had my husband. I knew where he was. I didn't know about my dad or sister yet. I then had the opportunity to drive over to my friends house and she was outside her home with many people waiting for her husband to come home. We all prayed the rosary as a group. We kept watching TV searching for her husband. We called hospitals, police stations, news outlets...anybody. (Thank goodness she had a landline as the cells were still jammed). Her husband never came home. Her baby was born a week later.
I went home. Still no dad or sister. They eventually got to my house. If I remember correctly was around 1:00ish. We were all in a total shock. But, especially the 3 of them who were witness to the most horrible act of terrorism that our country had ever seen. The phone kept ringing and the news was bad...many many friends were missing. We didn't know what to do...so we opened wine. Bottle after bottle. I don't even think it had any effect on us because we were in such shock. The days after that were also extremely hard. The news just kept getting worse. News of another friend lost. News of another friend searching for her husband., The first responders who were at Ground Zero...
So, what did I do? I drank and drank and drank...at first (except on that horrible day) I only had one or two. But every day. It took a few years, but obviously it escalated to way more than 2 glasses per day. If I am honest, I feel like a really weak person. My stories that I share with you are NOTHING compared to what others went through. My friend who lost her husband and had a 2 year old and a newborn baby...did she turn to the bottle or drugs or another addictive substance? NO! Many other people I know whose stories are way worse than mine...did they turn to the bottle? NO! And yes, I am aware, that in the wake of a tragedy of ginormous proportions, there are people bound to turn to substance abuse. Why was I one of them? That day, I rec'd a blessing...my husband, my father and my sister...all physically unharmed.
So while I remember 9/11 as the worst day of my life so far..I also remember it as the day I started drinking daily. I can't believe it's been 15 years. I now pick myself up and move forward....it's taken me a long time....but here I am..7 months free from alcohol. This September 11, 2016, for the first time in 15 years, I can say that I am a non-drinker. On this sad day, I am able to find a sliver of happiness in that.
Love,
Sober mom at 53
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Day 170 - Clean Colon!
July 23, 2016
Day 170
Hello!
One of my greatest fears when I was drinking was that I was screwing up my body. Especially my colon. I was convinced that my drinking gave me colon cancer.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 41 years old. 2 different kinds of invasive breast cancer, one in each breast. I had 2 surgeries, 8 rounds of chemo, and 6 weeks of radiation. I took tamoxifen for 5 years, had a 2 year drug free holiday, and now have taken arimidex for 4 years. My chemo put me in full blown menopause at the age of 42. My body made cancer. At the time of my diagnosis, I was a normal drinker....so I thought. I remember having a glass or two of wine in the middle of my two weeks between chemo treatments...who does that? In looking back, I realize that that was probably the start of my drinking problems! I couldn't even abstain during chemo! Most people are sick..but no, not me...I made sure that I had my wine (all cleared with oncologist of course, but she probably didn't know how much I "really" had!).
Since I was considered a young women at diagnosis, that was pre menopausal, especially whose body made 2 different kinds of invasive cancers at the same time in two different breasts, I was considered an anomaly. Therefore, they did a lot of extra testing. They made me switch my gyn to the cancer center. At my 5 year cancer free mark, the gyn required me to have a colonoscopy. All was clear.
Anyway, fast forward 5 years. I constantly found myself worrying about my drinking causing me colon cancer. After all, my body made cancer. I drank more than the recommended weekly amount for women....almost every day!!! It was a part of my body that I couldn't see. Sometimes I had lower left stomach pains. Sometimes my stool wasn't right (I know, TMI). I really needed /wanted another colonoscopy to make sure that my drinking wasn't hurting my innards. I asked my gyn at the cancer center for another one. The new protocol is 10 years for your next colonoscopy if the previous one was clear. There was no way I could wait 5 more years...no way! I needed this for my mental being. Yet, I couldn't tell the gyn why. I was too embarrassed. So, I made up a problem. (I know, very bad! Who in their right mind wants a colonoscopy? The prep is awful!) Well, yesterday I had that colonoscopy! and guess what? ALL WAS CLEAR! I stopped drinking in time! I was so worried that there would be something wrong related to my years of drinking! I feel like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can really see the sober path in front of me. I don't have that nagging thought in my head every day that I gave myself colon cancer.
Now, I wouldn't recommend asking for a colonoscopy if you don't need one. I was really positive that because my body had already made cancer, and then I beat it up with wine, that I really had colon cancer. I know it's a psycho thing...but I had these thoughts while I was drinking and because I convinced myself of it, they remained when I quit.
Now, I am so utterly happy. I know things can still happen. But, I know that I stopped drinking in time so that I did not give myself colon cancer.
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 170
Hello!
One of my greatest fears when I was drinking was that I was screwing up my body. Especially my colon. I was convinced that my drinking gave me colon cancer.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 41 years old. 2 different kinds of invasive breast cancer, one in each breast. I had 2 surgeries, 8 rounds of chemo, and 6 weeks of radiation. I took tamoxifen for 5 years, had a 2 year drug free holiday, and now have taken arimidex for 4 years. My chemo put me in full blown menopause at the age of 42. My body made cancer. At the time of my diagnosis, I was a normal drinker....so I thought. I remember having a glass or two of wine in the middle of my two weeks between chemo treatments...who does that? In looking back, I realize that that was probably the start of my drinking problems! I couldn't even abstain during chemo! Most people are sick..but no, not me...I made sure that I had my wine (all cleared with oncologist of course, but she probably didn't know how much I "really" had!).
Since I was considered a young women at diagnosis, that was pre menopausal, especially whose body made 2 different kinds of invasive cancers at the same time in two different breasts, I was considered an anomaly. Therefore, they did a lot of extra testing. They made me switch my gyn to the cancer center. At my 5 year cancer free mark, the gyn required me to have a colonoscopy. All was clear.
Anyway, fast forward 5 years. I constantly found myself worrying about my drinking causing me colon cancer. After all, my body made cancer. I drank more than the recommended weekly amount for women....almost every day!!! It was a part of my body that I couldn't see. Sometimes I had lower left stomach pains. Sometimes my stool wasn't right (I know, TMI). I really needed /wanted another colonoscopy to make sure that my drinking wasn't hurting my innards. I asked my gyn at the cancer center for another one. The new protocol is 10 years for your next colonoscopy if the previous one was clear. There was no way I could wait 5 more years...no way! I needed this for my mental being. Yet, I couldn't tell the gyn why. I was too embarrassed. So, I made up a problem. (I know, very bad! Who in their right mind wants a colonoscopy? The prep is awful!) Well, yesterday I had that colonoscopy! and guess what? ALL WAS CLEAR! I stopped drinking in time! I was so worried that there would be something wrong related to my years of drinking! I feel like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can really see the sober path in front of me. I don't have that nagging thought in my head every day that I gave myself colon cancer.
Now, I wouldn't recommend asking for a colonoscopy if you don't need one. I was really positive that because my body had already made cancer, and then I beat it up with wine, that I really had colon cancer. I know it's a psycho thing...but I had these thoughts while I was drinking and because I convinced myself of it, they remained when I quit.
Now, I am so utterly happy. I know things can still happen. But, I know that I stopped drinking in time so that I did not give myself colon cancer.
Love,
Sober at 53
Monday, July 18, 2016
Day 165 - Too Complacent!
July 18, 2016
Day 165
Hello!
It's been a month since I've written a blog post. I think I got to a point where I just didn't have anything else to say about not drinking. (I am still reading and commenting though!) I am also at a point where trying not to drink is not so hard anymore. It doesn't occupy my every waking moment. I am not spending all of my time trying to quit! In fact, it's gotten pretty easy. I do like my AF beer though!
I had a lot going on this last month. I was away for a week...part of it in Disney..and if you can make it thru Disneyworld without drinking, I think you've got a really good shot at permanent sobriety! hahaha
My sister and her family live in Sydney, Australia and they stayed with us for the last 2 weeks. 1st week we were away with them. It was such a wonderful time. And, I didn't miss drinking. Even though I was around it every night.
But.....on the night before my sister was returning home, we had a farewell party at my house. I honestly never thought about getting booze. It didn't cross my mind! But, many of the other guests drink. So, due to circumstances, it was up to me to go to the bottle shop (I am now officially calling a liquor store a "bottle shop" as my Aussie sister told me that is what it is called in Australia! I think it sounds much classier than "liquor store!") This was my first foray into my old stomping grounds. I got my cart and walked in and was overcome with extreme sadness. It was palpable. Tears welled up in my eyes and I stopped, looked down the wine aisle and breathed a heavy sigh. I had to get white and red wine. White was no problem since I never touched it. But the red...the sweet, sweet red...(sigh) oh how I have missed you! I decided to get bottles that I was not familiar with. Somehow it made it easier for me. I hightailed it out of the wine aisle and went to the beer refrigerator. That part was easy. It took me a moment to collect my thoughts when I got back in my car. I had no desire to drink, but I was so sad that I couldn't...because I abused it.
My point in this post is that I thought everything was going great and that I was in a really good place. But, I was too complacent. (dictionary.com definition of complacent: 1. pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied. I thought I was over the whole "drinking thing." But then BAM! It hit me like a brick wall when I walked into that bottle shop. So my warning is...be in a good place...but never get too complacent! I will not forget this experience. It happened 4 days ago and I'm still thinking about it! No more complacency for Sober at 53!
Don't get too complacent!!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 165
Hello!
It's been a month since I've written a blog post. I think I got to a point where I just didn't have anything else to say about not drinking. (I am still reading and commenting though!) I am also at a point where trying not to drink is not so hard anymore. It doesn't occupy my every waking moment. I am not spending all of my time trying to quit! In fact, it's gotten pretty easy. I do like my AF beer though!
I had a lot going on this last month. I was away for a week...part of it in Disney..and if you can make it thru Disneyworld without drinking, I think you've got a really good shot at permanent sobriety! hahaha
My sister and her family live in Sydney, Australia and they stayed with us for the last 2 weeks. 1st week we were away with them. It was such a wonderful time. And, I didn't miss drinking. Even though I was around it every night.
But.....on the night before my sister was returning home, we had a farewell party at my house. I honestly never thought about getting booze. It didn't cross my mind! But, many of the other guests drink. So, due to circumstances, it was up to me to go to the bottle shop (I am now officially calling a liquor store a "bottle shop" as my Aussie sister told me that is what it is called in Australia! I think it sounds much classier than "liquor store!") This was my first foray into my old stomping grounds. I got my cart and walked in and was overcome with extreme sadness. It was palpable. Tears welled up in my eyes and I stopped, looked down the wine aisle and breathed a heavy sigh. I had to get white and red wine. White was no problem since I never touched it. But the red...the sweet, sweet red...(sigh) oh how I have missed you! I decided to get bottles that I was not familiar with. Somehow it made it easier for me. I hightailed it out of the wine aisle and went to the beer refrigerator. That part was easy. It took me a moment to collect my thoughts when I got back in my car. I had no desire to drink, but I was so sad that I couldn't...because I abused it.
My point in this post is that I thought everything was going great and that I was in a really good place. But, I was too complacent. (dictionary.com definition of complacent: 1. pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied. I thought I was over the whole "drinking thing." But then BAM! It hit me like a brick wall when I walked into that bottle shop. So my warning is...be in a good place...but never get too complacent! I will not forget this experience. It happened 4 days ago and I'm still thinking about it! No more complacency for Sober at 53!
Don't get too complacent!!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Day 135 - Old Habits die hard!
June 21, 2016
Day 135
Hello!
I am not quite sure what to make of this...
My usual wine drinking occurred in the evenings. My husband would go to bed and I would sit down and watch TV and drink wine (in addition to the wine I had already drank!). OR, I would talk on the phone to my drinking friend.
Last night, I watched episode 4 of the new season of "Orange is the New Black." It ended at 10:50. And, as binge watching goes, I cued up episode 5...after telling myself I really should go to bed because I had to get up early to get my daughter to school (we are still in session here until Thursday). But, as usual, like when I was drinking, I didn't listen to that voice. I started to watch episode 5. Part of the way into it, at around 11:10pm. I went in the fridge and took an AF beer and opened it. And of course drank it. This was the same kind of thing I did with wine. It didn't matter how late it was or what I had to do the next morning, if I wanted it, I'd have it.
So now I am sitting here thinking if this was a bad thing? It doesn't feel right. It reminds me exactly of what I did when I was drinking, except I replaced the alcoholic drink with a non alcoholic drink. Why an AF beer? Why didn't I have a glass of seltzer, or make a cup of tea? It didn't even cross my mind!
Is watching TV at night a trigger for me? I have watched it in the last 135 days and don't think that I have done this before. Maybe it's a one out? Maybe "Orange is the New Black" makes me want to drink? (I did drink through the past 3 seasons!) Please tell me it's not a trigger!!!
I didn't even think about wine when I grabbed that AF beer. It's just an old habit...and it weirds me out that I did it. Old habits die hard! What really scares me is that I didn't recognize my old pattern until after I had finished that AF beer...then it hit me! I haven't changed nearly as much as I thought I have.
In the end, does it really matter? Isn't the main thing that I didn't drink? (Like I said, it didn't even cross my mind to drink!) I am not sure! But, it must not be good, because I have a bad feeling in my gut about it and you always have to go with your gut!!!
Thinking I'll watch OITNB during the day!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 135
Hello!
I am not quite sure what to make of this...
My usual wine drinking occurred in the evenings. My husband would go to bed and I would sit down and watch TV and drink wine (in addition to the wine I had already drank!). OR, I would talk on the phone to my drinking friend.
Last night, I watched episode 4 of the new season of "Orange is the New Black." It ended at 10:50. And, as binge watching goes, I cued up episode 5...after telling myself I really should go to bed because I had to get up early to get my daughter to school (we are still in session here until Thursday). But, as usual, like when I was drinking, I didn't listen to that voice. I started to watch episode 5. Part of the way into it, at around 11:10pm. I went in the fridge and took an AF beer and opened it. And of course drank it. This was the same kind of thing I did with wine. It didn't matter how late it was or what I had to do the next morning, if I wanted it, I'd have it.
So now I am sitting here thinking if this was a bad thing? It doesn't feel right. It reminds me exactly of what I did when I was drinking, except I replaced the alcoholic drink with a non alcoholic drink. Why an AF beer? Why didn't I have a glass of seltzer, or make a cup of tea? It didn't even cross my mind!
Is watching TV at night a trigger for me? I have watched it in the last 135 days and don't think that I have done this before. Maybe it's a one out? Maybe "Orange is the New Black" makes me want to drink? (I did drink through the past 3 seasons!) Please tell me it's not a trigger!!!
I didn't even think about wine when I grabbed that AF beer. It's just an old habit...and it weirds me out that I did it. Old habits die hard! What really scares me is that I didn't recognize my old pattern until after I had finished that AF beer...then it hit me! I haven't changed nearly as much as I thought I have.
In the end, does it really matter? Isn't the main thing that I didn't drink? (Like I said, it didn't even cross my mind to drink!) I am not sure! But, it must not be good, because I have a bad feeling in my gut about it and you always have to go with your gut!!!
Thinking I'll watch OITNB during the day!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Day 129 - I am so mean!!!
June 15, 2016
Day 129
Hello!
A post by ASobermiracle really got me thinking! ASobermiracle is so very kind!!! Today she sent flowers, along with a compassionate note, to a woman who was arrested for a DUI fatality. In the past, she took her money she didn't spend on alcohol and purchased healthy snacks and brought them to a women and children's shelter.
Let me tell you....since I have stopped drinking, I have turned into a total bitch!! I have taken the liberty to say whatever is on my mind! For example, this weekend I was at my state's Special Olympic games. All of the athletes had special needs. All of the spectators were there to support someone with special needs...myself being one of them. Special needs parenting provides a kinship with other special needs parents. It's a community where you don't ever have to feel embarrassed for something your child does, you don't judge or receive judgement, and you support one another 100%. It's like one giant family....for me anyway! It's a very different dichotomy than it was with my typical sons. Anyhow, I digress. My daughter competes in the swimming. You go to the spectator area when it is your child's turn to swim. The mom next to me, whom I don't know, kept swinging her pony tail like it was a horse's tail! It kept whacking me in the face. At one point she saw me brush it away. She apologized, I said no problem, and then she continued to do it. When space allowed, I moved down. Guess what? So did she. So what blurted out of my mouth without any thought was "damn, I moved down so you would stop hitting me in the face with your pony tail!" She got all huffy, and changed seats with someone else. I really owed her an apology, but I am not that big a person! Plus, I was mortified that the words just flowed right out of my mouth!!
I also seem to have a bit of road rage! I am flipping off anyone who disses me on the road. I also will flash my high beams if the person in front of me is driving below the speed limit. The "F" bomb has also been used a gazillion times!
I was in the supermarket last week and the cashier had to wait for the manager to correct something on her register. The manager was speaking to an elderly woman right near us. I was in a hurry. I took it upon myself to interrupt their conversation and say that the cashier needed him and it looked like their conversation was going to go on for awhile! The elderly lady apologized to me (I felt awful) and the manager looked at me and shook his head (rightfully so!). I was embarrassed to say the least! I went back to that supermarket a few days later to apologize but couldn't find that manager!
I don't even dare write what I say to my family!!! Yikes!
I wrote a blog post at one point that suggested I had no filter when I was drinking and that I probably said and did things that were unkind. I also wrote a post regarding a book I read "The Four Agreements" in which one of the agreements is "Be impeccable with your word." I don't dare go back and read it because I probably spewed how the agreements gave me glorious revelations and I now live my life by them!! That didn't last long!! I think I'm worse than I was when I was drinking!
Was my temper always this short? Was I always so rude? I don't think I was...but I think I am now! I think that on some level I feel that I can do whatever I want because I am doing this really hard thing...sobriety! I think I should get a pass for my behaviors. Hah! wouldn't that be nice? But, you know what? I really have to think before I speak. I really have to stop saying what I am thinking! Who the hell am I to be so brazen and rude? Since I don't want you all to think that I am always mean, I am the type of person that gives a lot of compliments too! If you walk by me and I like your hairdo, I will tell you! If I like your shoes I will tell you! I smile at people all of the time! OMG! I am Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde!!!
So a big shoutout to Asobermiracle for making me think long and hard about my behaviors! You have inspired me to be a kinder person!
If you see someone on the road flipping you the bird...it's more than likely me! Sorry!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 129
Hello!
A post by ASobermiracle really got me thinking! ASobermiracle is so very kind!!! Today she sent flowers, along with a compassionate note, to a woman who was arrested for a DUI fatality. In the past, she took her money she didn't spend on alcohol and purchased healthy snacks and brought them to a women and children's shelter.
Let me tell you....since I have stopped drinking, I have turned into a total bitch!! I have taken the liberty to say whatever is on my mind! For example, this weekend I was at my state's Special Olympic games. All of the athletes had special needs. All of the spectators were there to support someone with special needs...myself being one of them. Special needs parenting provides a kinship with other special needs parents. It's a community where you don't ever have to feel embarrassed for something your child does, you don't judge or receive judgement, and you support one another 100%. It's like one giant family....for me anyway! It's a very different dichotomy than it was with my typical sons. Anyhow, I digress. My daughter competes in the swimming. You go to the spectator area when it is your child's turn to swim. The mom next to me, whom I don't know, kept swinging her pony tail like it was a horse's tail! It kept whacking me in the face. At one point she saw me brush it away. She apologized, I said no problem, and then she continued to do it. When space allowed, I moved down. Guess what? So did she. So what blurted out of my mouth without any thought was "damn, I moved down so you would stop hitting me in the face with your pony tail!" She got all huffy, and changed seats with someone else. I really owed her an apology, but I am not that big a person! Plus, I was mortified that the words just flowed right out of my mouth!!
I also seem to have a bit of road rage! I am flipping off anyone who disses me on the road. I also will flash my high beams if the person in front of me is driving below the speed limit. The "F" bomb has also been used a gazillion times!
I was in the supermarket last week and the cashier had to wait for the manager to correct something on her register. The manager was speaking to an elderly woman right near us. I was in a hurry. I took it upon myself to interrupt their conversation and say that the cashier needed him and it looked like their conversation was going to go on for awhile! The elderly lady apologized to me (I felt awful) and the manager looked at me and shook his head (rightfully so!). I was embarrassed to say the least! I went back to that supermarket a few days later to apologize but couldn't find that manager!
I don't even dare write what I say to my family!!! Yikes!
I wrote a blog post at one point that suggested I had no filter when I was drinking and that I probably said and did things that were unkind. I also wrote a post regarding a book I read "The Four Agreements" in which one of the agreements is "Be impeccable with your word." I don't dare go back and read it because I probably spewed how the agreements gave me glorious revelations and I now live my life by them!! That didn't last long!! I think I'm worse than I was when I was drinking!
Was my temper always this short? Was I always so rude? I don't think I was...but I think I am now! I think that on some level I feel that I can do whatever I want because I am doing this really hard thing...sobriety! I think I should get a pass for my behaviors. Hah! wouldn't that be nice? But, you know what? I really have to think before I speak. I really have to stop saying what I am thinking! Who the hell am I to be so brazen and rude? Since I don't want you all to think that I am always mean, I am the type of person that gives a lot of compliments too! If you walk by me and I like your hairdo, I will tell you! If I like your shoes I will tell you! I smile at people all of the time! OMG! I am Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde!!!
So a big shoutout to Asobermiracle for making me think long and hard about my behaviors! You have inspired me to be a kinder person!
If you see someone on the road flipping you the bird...it's more than likely me! Sorry!
Love,
Sober at 53
Monday, June 13, 2016
Day 127 - The hardest day ever!!!
June 13, 2016
I've been remiss from the blogosphere because I am still trying to figure out why I am doing this sobriety thing! I'm trying to find a new reason, but haven't found one yet. Since I have seen no physical changes I am struggling with my motives. I still haven't drank but I find myself constantly saying "hmmm....maybe I'll drink today." But, I haven't done it. I really don't know what is stopping me. Could it be that I am a strong person? hahaha! But today, I might've found a reason to keep going.
Day 127
Hello!
I've been remiss from the blogosphere because I am still trying to figure out why I am doing this sobriety thing! I'm trying to find a new reason, but haven't found one yet. Since I have seen no physical changes I am struggling with my motives. I still haven't drank but I find myself constantly saying "hmmm....maybe I'll drink today." But, I haven't done it. I really don't know what is stopping me. Could it be that I am a strong person? hahaha! But today, I might've found a reason to keep going.
In the 127 days since I've quit drinking, today was by far the most difficult day that I have had. Something happened that greatly upset me. So much so, that I spent the day with a terrible stomach ache. The first thing I wanted to do was buy a pack of cigarettes. My next thought was, how am I going to get through this without drinking? It was 10:00 in the morning. I was never a morning or afternoon drinker. I couldn't imagine how I would or could get through my day without a vice! I was on the phone with a girlfriend and I told her that I wanted to smoke...she said "that's not going to help anything." You know what? She was right. I transferred that sentiment over to drinking. It was not going to help anything.
It certainly made me realize that when the going gets tough, Sober at 53 gets drinking! And...the day was really really tough. I decided to let myself feel my feelings (anxiety, sadness, fear). I talked to Mr. Soberat53 a gazillion times today to help get me through it! I bet he didn't get a lick of work done today! My book club had plans to go to the movies tonight to see a book we had read "Me Before You" so I knew that I could get through my night. (Highly recommend the movie to anyone who has read the book!) I am not sure that if I didn't have plans that I wouldn't have drank. That scares me that I didn't know.
While this did not get rid of my stomach ache (and I still have it at 11:00 at night as I type this) I didn't smoke or drink! I did eat popcorn with extra butter and chocolate covered pretzels when I got home! I treated myself to an AF beer as well. (That will surely help my stomach ache! hahaha)
So now it's 11:00 pm. My stomach still hurts. But, I feel much better. While the issues that made me super upset are still there and are not going away anytime soon, I am happy that I am dealing with my emotions. I am so glad I didn't drink. If I did, I know it would've made everything worse! There was no way in hell that if I were drinking that I could've started to really deal with the issues that confront me. I needed to be clear headed. I don't know what would've happened if I wasn't. That is how big this issue is. Maybe this is the reason that I need to keep me motivated on the sobriety path. Maybe how I deal with this is my "reward" for not drinking. It is not physical, but maybe I need to change that thought process.
And one thought....I have honestly not been dealing with any cravings in awhile. I've been lucky. It's been 127 days. But whoa....out of left field came this HUGE problem and all I wanted was my wine. So don't get complacent. You never know what's going to be thrown your way! And, you want to be clear headed to deal with it!!
Love,
Sober at 53
And one thought....I have honestly not been dealing with any cravings in awhile. I've been lucky. It's been 127 days. But whoa....out of left field came this HUGE problem and all I wanted was my wine. So don't get complacent. You never know what's going to be thrown your way! And, you want to be clear headed to deal with it!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Friday, June 3, 2016
Day 117 - Why am I doing this?????
June 3, 2016
Day 117
Hello!
I do not know why I am quitting anymore!! I thought so many things would change for me. And guess what? Im not seeing those changes I want and need to see!!
Today, I went for my breast cancer check up my cancer center in NYC. I am an 11 year breast cancer survivor. I had a bunch of tests today and they all came back great, for which I am very grateful. BUT, the test that I was really excited to see were the blood work for the liver panel numbers!
After my day long appointments, my husband and I went out to dinner. We went to a Basque restaurant in the city. The place was really cool. My sweet husband talked to the bartender and had him make me a delicious mocktail. Muddled cucumber and mint with rhubarb syrup. It was delicious. I was so happy to be there. While we were waiting for our meal, I looked up my blood test results. Guess what? THEY WERE EXACTLY THE SAME AS WHEN I WAS DRINKING!!!!!! I was so pissed. I was POSITIVE that they would be even better. They have always been great...but I wanted greater!
I also had a bone density test today and they take your height and weight. I AM EXACTLY THE SAME WEIGHT AS WHEN I WAS DRINKING!!!!! I was so pissed!
I was so disappointed that I almost ditched that delicious mocktail for a glass, or bottle, of Spanish red wine! It took nearly everything I had not to. In the end, it was Mr. Soberat53 that convinced me not to (all the while sipping his red wine!). He said I have come so far and that my drinking had been escalating. He reminded me of how good I feel in the mornings. He told me that he thinks I look better (I am going to believe him). He reminded me of how my head is much clearer.
I had been so proud of myself today. I finally, after 11 years, got to check the "NO" box on the medical update forms to the question "Do you drink alcohol." I even took a picture of my checked NO box!!! (nobody saw me do that....I hope!) After the appointments I came across this beautiful church and went in and actually cried as I thanked God for giving me the strength to quit and even lit a candle!
But tonight, I am really questioning if this is all worth it! Nothing physically has changed. Those are the things that were the impetus for me quitting drinking. All of that hard work for what???
I know quitting is the right thing to be doing but I really don't know why anymore. I am not going to go back to drinking today, but I sure have lost my mojo for quitting. Since I am a secret quitter, I could go right back and nobody would be the wiser. It's funny how in one day you can be so high, and then, go so low! And tomorrow I have a girls dinner out in NYC. It was going to be a tough one for me with not drinking BEFORE I started questioning myself tonight! Ugh!
So now I have to come up with other big reasons that will enable me to continue on this sobriety journey.
Just ranting again...I still really can't believe my liver function numbers weren't lower!! They were right in the middle of the range, where they have been for years! How could they not be lower after giving up over 117 bottles of wine and then some!!! I just don't get it! And all of those calories in those 117+ bottles of wine?? I should be emaciated....trying to put on weight for goodness sakes!
Arghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
Ok..if you got this far, thank you for once again attending Soberat53's Pity Party!
With GREAT FRUSTRATION,
Sober at 53
Day 117
Hello!
I do not know why I am quitting anymore!! I thought so many things would change for me. And guess what? Im not seeing those changes I want and need to see!!
Today, I went for my breast cancer check up my cancer center in NYC. I am an 11 year breast cancer survivor. I had a bunch of tests today and they all came back great, for which I am very grateful. BUT, the test that I was really excited to see were the blood work for the liver panel numbers!
After my day long appointments, my husband and I went out to dinner. We went to a Basque restaurant in the city. The place was really cool. My sweet husband talked to the bartender and had him make me a delicious mocktail. Muddled cucumber and mint with rhubarb syrup. It was delicious. I was so happy to be there. While we were waiting for our meal, I looked up my blood test results. Guess what? THEY WERE EXACTLY THE SAME AS WHEN I WAS DRINKING!!!!!! I was so pissed. I was POSITIVE that they would be even better. They have always been great...but I wanted greater!
I also had a bone density test today and they take your height and weight. I AM EXACTLY THE SAME WEIGHT AS WHEN I WAS DRINKING!!!!! I was so pissed!
I was so disappointed that I almost ditched that delicious mocktail for a glass, or bottle, of Spanish red wine! It took nearly everything I had not to. In the end, it was Mr. Soberat53 that convinced me not to (all the while sipping his red wine!). He said I have come so far and that my drinking had been escalating. He reminded me of how good I feel in the mornings. He told me that he thinks I look better (I am going to believe him). He reminded me of how my head is much clearer.
I had been so proud of myself today. I finally, after 11 years, got to check the "NO" box on the medical update forms to the question "Do you drink alcohol." I even took a picture of my checked NO box!!! (nobody saw me do that....I hope!) After the appointments I came across this beautiful church and went in and actually cried as I thanked God for giving me the strength to quit and even lit a candle!
But tonight, I am really questioning if this is all worth it! Nothing physically has changed. Those are the things that were the impetus for me quitting drinking. All of that hard work for what???
I know quitting is the right thing to be doing but I really don't know why anymore. I am not going to go back to drinking today, but I sure have lost my mojo for quitting. Since I am a secret quitter, I could go right back and nobody would be the wiser. It's funny how in one day you can be so high, and then, go so low! And tomorrow I have a girls dinner out in NYC. It was going to be a tough one for me with not drinking BEFORE I started questioning myself tonight! Ugh!
So now I have to come up with other big reasons that will enable me to continue on this sobriety journey.
Just ranting again...I still really can't believe my liver function numbers weren't lower!! They were right in the middle of the range, where they have been for years! How could they not be lower after giving up over 117 bottles of wine and then some!!! I just don't get it! And all of those calories in those 117+ bottles of wine?? I should be emaciated....trying to put on weight for goodness sakes!
Arghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
Ok..if you got this far, thank you for once again attending Soberat53's Pity Party!
With GREAT FRUSTRATION,
Sober at 53
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Day 115 - Blown off!!
June 1, 2015
Day 115
Hello!
Well, it seems like I've been totally blown off by one of my best friends. My friend M. was my drinking buddy. Besides Mr. Soberat53, she is the ONLY person in the world who knew how much I drank. She drank just like me. For years, we were drinking buddies, via phone..every night We told each other our darkest secrets while we were drinking (of course we would...alcohol enables loose lips!). Through our drinking, we also became very close outside of our drinking. We shared a lot of the same interests. We are both intense exercisers. We both have children with special needs. We both LOVED our wine! We really spent hours on the phone late into the night when our husbands and kids were asleep. It was like we were having a party over the phone. And we live close so sometimes she would sneak over here after work for some wine before she went home.
We have tried quitting together a gazillion times. Tried supporting each other through it. Even went to an AA meeting together. Of course we never made it. Years of this drinking and talking about quitting went on.
Then something happened...I quit. She didn't.
In the beginning, she was very proud of me. I gave her inspiration. She kept telling me I was her hero. I kept telling her to be her own hero.
She told me that she was jealous that I quit. She wants to so badly, but it just isn't happening for her.
She does go to a therapist that specializes in alcohol addiction. I mentioned in a previous post that she is working on why she drinks, so that in figuring that out and ultimately getting rid of those issues, she won't want to drink because there will be no reason to. A different approach.
She told me that she didn't want to call me anymore because she didn't want to trigger me. I told her that nobody could make me drink except for me. So, she kept calling...and yes, she was drunk,
I let her know, in no uncertain terms, how much I love and need her and I couldn't get through this without her. Only she could understand. She kept calling...and yes, she was drunk.
I do not judge her at all. I have walked in her shoes. Nor do I try to get her to quit. I listen when she talks about wanting to quit. I listen when she talks about her therapy appts. I only support her. I know that she has to find it in herself to quit...just like I had to.
Now, I haven't heard from her since last week. We spoke every day!!! And in thinking about it, it was generally me who did all of the calling of late.
I fully understand that I have something she wants...sobriety. But, I miss her so much. It pains me to think that our relationship was solely built on our drinking. It takes years to build a relationship like we had. I thought it was real. Her family spends Thanksgivings and Christmases with our family for goodness sakes! We even talked about me and Mr. Soberat53 becoming her child with special needs legal guardian should anything happen to her and her husband. Now, that is closeness!!!
I know she lost her drinking buddy...but I thought we had so much more! Mr. Soberat53 also lost his drinking buddy...but I guess since he lives with me, he still has to talk to me!
I guess I just have to let her find her way? Can I really be reduced to a small role in her life? I am so sad. I wish I could call her during the day, when she is not drinking...but she has a huge job, that she loves and is brilliant at, and cannot be reached while she is at work.
I am thinking that this relationship is one of the consequences of me not drinking. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it though. I just thought it was so much more!!
I miss my friend!!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 115
Hello!
Well, it seems like I've been totally blown off by one of my best friends. My friend M. was my drinking buddy. Besides Mr. Soberat53, she is the ONLY person in the world who knew how much I drank. She drank just like me. For years, we were drinking buddies, via phone..every night We told each other our darkest secrets while we were drinking (of course we would...alcohol enables loose lips!). Through our drinking, we also became very close outside of our drinking. We shared a lot of the same interests. We are both intense exercisers. We both have children with special needs. We both LOVED our wine! We really spent hours on the phone late into the night when our husbands and kids were asleep. It was like we were having a party over the phone. And we live close so sometimes she would sneak over here after work for some wine before she went home.
We have tried quitting together a gazillion times. Tried supporting each other through it. Even went to an AA meeting together. Of course we never made it. Years of this drinking and talking about quitting went on.
Then something happened...I quit. She didn't.
In the beginning, she was very proud of me. I gave her inspiration. She kept telling me I was her hero. I kept telling her to be her own hero.
She told me that she was jealous that I quit. She wants to so badly, but it just isn't happening for her.
She does go to a therapist that specializes in alcohol addiction. I mentioned in a previous post that she is working on why she drinks, so that in figuring that out and ultimately getting rid of those issues, she won't want to drink because there will be no reason to. A different approach.
She told me that she didn't want to call me anymore because she didn't want to trigger me. I told her that nobody could make me drink except for me. So, she kept calling...and yes, she was drunk,
I let her know, in no uncertain terms, how much I love and need her and I couldn't get through this without her. Only she could understand. She kept calling...and yes, she was drunk.
I do not judge her at all. I have walked in her shoes. Nor do I try to get her to quit. I listen when she talks about wanting to quit. I listen when she talks about her therapy appts. I only support her. I know that she has to find it in herself to quit...just like I had to.
Now, I haven't heard from her since last week. We spoke every day!!! And in thinking about it, it was generally me who did all of the calling of late.
I fully understand that I have something she wants...sobriety. But, I miss her so much. It pains me to think that our relationship was solely built on our drinking. It takes years to build a relationship like we had. I thought it was real. Her family spends Thanksgivings and Christmases with our family for goodness sakes! We even talked about me and Mr. Soberat53 becoming her child with special needs legal guardian should anything happen to her and her husband. Now, that is closeness!!!
I know she lost her drinking buddy...but I thought we had so much more! Mr. Soberat53 also lost his drinking buddy...but I guess since he lives with me, he still has to talk to me!
I guess I just have to let her find her way? Can I really be reduced to a small role in her life? I am so sad. I wish I could call her during the day, when she is not drinking...but she has a huge job, that she loves and is brilliant at, and cannot be reached while she is at work.
I am thinking that this relationship is one of the consequences of me not drinking. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it though. I just thought it was so much more!!
I miss my friend!!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Day 108 - Will I ever be safe??
May 25, 2016
Day 108
Hello!
In reading the blogs that I follow, I have noticed that there seem to be a lot of people who have abstained from drinking for long periods of time and then have started back up again. They are now in a position where once again they are trying to quit.
I appreciate the honesty in these blogs so very much! It is raw. It is scary!!! Some people have gone years without drinking only to return to it. I am at Day 108. I read a blog where the writer went back right around this time in their sober journey. And, for no good reason. (Will there ever be a good reason? I don't think so!)
I am scared that I will never be safe. Right now I spend a lot of time quitting! It is a lot easier than it was in the very beginning and I'm sure as I continue on it will get even easier (one can hope!). For all of us ex-smokers out there, I know one day you get to the point where you can't even imagine a cigarette. It will taste gross and you would feel physically ill if you were to have one. I hope that is how it gets for me with wine. BUT...when I look into my future...everyone around me is still drinking. It is socially acceptable, whereas smoking is not...In fact, smoking is demonized...and rightfully so! It is not cool to smoke. But, drinking is considered cool.
So what do I do in this world where drinking is socially acceptable? Will I ever reach a point where drinking is a memory from a long time ago? Will I be able to be free of "drinking and quitting" in a world where it is all around me? Do I have to be strong FOREVER? I kinda don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. I don't mean I want to go to moderation (right! Like that was even possible!) but I certainly don't want to have to work on quitting forever! It's exhausting as it is, never mind having to do it for a lifetime! I'm 53 years old and I just want to get on with my life! (Ok, this is where I get really pissed at myself and berate myself for having to quit because I let my drinking get so out of hand!)
Will I ever be safe from relapsing? Do I wake up one day and realize that quitting is over? That I made it? That I'm done with quitting?
These are the thoughts that boggle my mind. I just want this whole quitting thing to be over...but will it ever be? Will I ever be safe? Please...SOMEONE...tell me I will be safe! Please! I beg you!!!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 108
Hello!
In reading the blogs that I follow, I have noticed that there seem to be a lot of people who have abstained from drinking for long periods of time and then have started back up again. They are now in a position where once again they are trying to quit.
I appreciate the honesty in these blogs so very much! It is raw. It is scary!!! Some people have gone years without drinking only to return to it. I am at Day 108. I read a blog where the writer went back right around this time in their sober journey. And, for no good reason. (Will there ever be a good reason? I don't think so!)
I am scared that I will never be safe. Right now I spend a lot of time quitting! It is a lot easier than it was in the very beginning and I'm sure as I continue on it will get even easier (one can hope!). For all of us ex-smokers out there, I know one day you get to the point where you can't even imagine a cigarette. It will taste gross and you would feel physically ill if you were to have one. I hope that is how it gets for me with wine. BUT...when I look into my future...everyone around me is still drinking. It is socially acceptable, whereas smoking is not...In fact, smoking is demonized...and rightfully so! It is not cool to smoke. But, drinking is considered cool.
So what do I do in this world where drinking is socially acceptable? Will I ever reach a point where drinking is a memory from a long time ago? Will I be able to be free of "drinking and quitting" in a world where it is all around me? Do I have to be strong FOREVER? I kinda don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. I don't mean I want to go to moderation (right! Like that was even possible!) but I certainly don't want to have to work on quitting forever! It's exhausting as it is, never mind having to do it for a lifetime! I'm 53 years old and I just want to get on with my life! (Ok, this is where I get really pissed at myself and berate myself for having to quit because I let my drinking get so out of hand!)
Will I ever be safe from relapsing? Do I wake up one day and realize that quitting is over? That I made it? That I'm done with quitting?
These are the thoughts that boggle my mind. I just want this whole quitting thing to be over...but will it ever be? Will I ever be safe? Please...SOMEONE...tell me I will be safe! Please! I beg you!!!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Day 105 - Why aren't you drinking?
May 22, 2016
Day 105
Hello!
What a whirlwind weekend it's been for me.
On Friday evening, we hosted a pre prom party for our daughter with special needs and 10 of her friends, also with special needs, sans 1 young man. (in fact, a NY news station did a story on him and his prom date on Friday!) We ended up having approx. 100 people at our house. I hosted similar pre prom parties for my sons. But the difference was, this time, I couldn't drink!!!
At my son's pre prom parties, we only served alcohol after the kids left for prom. Lead us not into temptation! hahaha At my daughters, we served alcohol during the pre-prom party. It was a "fun stressful" time having all of those people at my house...the getting ready in itself would usually cause me to drink! (I was outside the night before at 9:00 pm under my lights planting more flowers!). It seemed that everyone was drinking except for me! I grabbed an AF beer and promptly lost it when I put it down! But, I was so busy, that was fine.
When the kids left for the prom, a lot of people stayed. That is when it really hit me that I couldn't drink. And I was sad. So, I grabbed another AF beer and boy, did it prompt questions!!! (In hindsight, I should've put it in a glass and nobody would've been any the wiser!) Many questions! Along with the comments "you're brave".."I could never do it." "How could you go on vacation and not drink?" .."When will you start again?" etc. (I'll get to my answers soon!)
The very next morning, me and Mr. Soberat53 and 2 other couples went to another friends country home 3 hours away. These are my very closest friends. My absolute besties. I can tell them ANYTHING...except for my quitting alcohol. They knew I was a big drinker, but they really thought I was all talk! Little did they know! (and they still don't know)
We had a great day! This "urban girl" got her country on! We rode ATV's, shot shotguns, had a ginormous bonfire, and ate a great meal. After all of our country activities, you guessed it, the drinks were about to flow. I had brought a 6 pack of AF beer with me, so I started BEFORE anyone else started drinking so nobody would offer me wine and I would have more questions to answer! But, no, there were questions! Why? How long? Is it intentional?
How I answered: (and I had a captive audience..ugh!) Well, after a party in Feb. I woke up with a hangover. I was giving up wine for lent which was starting in a few days so I just started early. (that hangover did me in) After Lent, I decided I didn't want to drink because I liked how I felt....I slept better, I didn't wake up as much during the night, I felt better in the morning. I like the taste of alcohol, thus the AF beer, but I don't like how it makes me feel. I don't know when I'll decide to drink again. (I know damn well when I plan to start again: NEVER). As far as vacation, I just didn't drink. (Um, yeah, it was hard but I did it!)
During my explanation time, my sweet husband texted me from across the room asking me if I was alright. As the night continued, I tried to be the fun girl that I usually was. Everyone was sitting around and I suggested we play Left, Right, Center for $$. We all played, except for 2, and we had a lot of fun. Noteworthy: Nobody was drunk! (I would've been had I been drinking!) (BTW, I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed but I was determined to be the fun one without drinking!)
On the way home today, Mr. Soberat53 told me, unsolicited, that I did great with the not drinking once the QandA was over! I told him that if I was still drinking, I would've been bombed and that instead of a game of Left Right Center, I would've done God knows what! I might've been hanging from the chandelier! (And it would've been an antler chandelier as it is a country house!)
It is interesting to be the only one in the room not drinking. You really see people in a different light! And, I slept horribly, so I didn't even get that morning benefit of feeling great!!!
And. my daughters prom was wonderful! A couple with special needs won Prom King and Queen. So cool!And I was able to drive them home from the limo drop and i got to hear a rich exchange between her and her boyfriend that I would've never heard. had I been drinking In fact, I would've arranged it so somebody else picked them up!
Hoping you don't have to go through QandA sessions about your not drinking! It's not fun! Especially if the "askers" did not know how much you really drank!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 105
Hello!
What a whirlwind weekend it's been for me.
On Friday evening, we hosted a pre prom party for our daughter with special needs and 10 of her friends, also with special needs, sans 1 young man. (in fact, a NY news station did a story on him and his prom date on Friday!) We ended up having approx. 100 people at our house. I hosted similar pre prom parties for my sons. But the difference was, this time, I couldn't drink!!!
At my son's pre prom parties, we only served alcohol after the kids left for prom. Lead us not into temptation! hahaha At my daughters, we served alcohol during the pre-prom party. It was a "fun stressful" time having all of those people at my house...the getting ready in itself would usually cause me to drink! (I was outside the night before at 9:00 pm under my lights planting more flowers!). It seemed that everyone was drinking except for me! I grabbed an AF beer and promptly lost it when I put it down! But, I was so busy, that was fine.
When the kids left for the prom, a lot of people stayed. That is when it really hit me that I couldn't drink. And I was sad. So, I grabbed another AF beer and boy, did it prompt questions!!! (In hindsight, I should've put it in a glass and nobody would've been any the wiser!) Many questions! Along with the comments "you're brave".."I could never do it." "How could you go on vacation and not drink?" .."When will you start again?" etc. (I'll get to my answers soon!)
The very next morning, me and Mr. Soberat53 and 2 other couples went to another friends country home 3 hours away. These are my very closest friends. My absolute besties. I can tell them ANYTHING...except for my quitting alcohol. They knew I was a big drinker, but they really thought I was all talk! Little did they know! (and they still don't know)
We had a great day! This "urban girl" got her country on! We rode ATV's, shot shotguns, had a ginormous bonfire, and ate a great meal. After all of our country activities, you guessed it, the drinks were about to flow. I had brought a 6 pack of AF beer with me, so I started BEFORE anyone else started drinking so nobody would offer me wine and I would have more questions to answer! But, no, there were questions! Why? How long? Is it intentional?
How I answered: (and I had a captive audience..ugh!) Well, after a party in Feb. I woke up with a hangover. I was giving up wine for lent which was starting in a few days so I just started early. (that hangover did me in) After Lent, I decided I didn't want to drink because I liked how I felt....I slept better, I didn't wake up as much during the night, I felt better in the morning. I like the taste of alcohol, thus the AF beer, but I don't like how it makes me feel. I don't know when I'll decide to drink again. (I know damn well when I plan to start again: NEVER). As far as vacation, I just didn't drink. (Um, yeah, it was hard but I did it!)
During my explanation time, my sweet husband texted me from across the room asking me if I was alright. As the night continued, I tried to be the fun girl that I usually was. Everyone was sitting around and I suggested we play Left, Right, Center for $$. We all played, except for 2, and we had a lot of fun. Noteworthy: Nobody was drunk! (I would've been had I been drinking!) (BTW, I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed but I was determined to be the fun one without drinking!)
On the way home today, Mr. Soberat53 told me, unsolicited, that I did great with the not drinking once the QandA was over! I told him that if I was still drinking, I would've been bombed and that instead of a game of Left Right Center, I would've done God knows what! I might've been hanging from the chandelier! (And it would've been an antler chandelier as it is a country house!)
It is interesting to be the only one in the room not drinking. You really see people in a different light! And, I slept horribly, so I didn't even get that morning benefit of feeling great!!!
And. my daughters prom was wonderful! A couple with special needs won Prom King and Queen. So cool!And I was able to drive them home from the limo drop and i got to hear a rich exchange between her and her boyfriend that I would've never heard. had I been drinking In fact, I would've arranged it so somebody else picked them up!
Hoping you don't have to go through QandA sessions about your not drinking! It's not fun! Especially if the "askers" did not know how much you really drank!
Love,
Sober at 53
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Day 102 - Seeing the world Differently
May 19, 2016
Day 102
Hello!
A 17 year old boy in my town passed away unexpectedly on Sunday. I am so shaken up about it. He was to graduate HS this Friday. I did not know him or his family. It got me to thinking about if something like that would make me go back to drinking. I think it would. I hope to never find out. It also got me thinking that that boys family now views the world differently. When they now look out their window, their world is different. Horribly different. Nothing is the same. Nor will it ever be the same as it was on Saturday for that family.
I remember when on October 8, 2004, at 41 years of age, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My world was rocked. When I looked out my window, my world was different. Nothing was the same. Of course not in the same way as the family who lost their son, but it was different. My world had changed. I no longer had the same view out that window as I had had on October 7, 2004. My view was isolating. I felt alone...I felt that only I had the bad view while everyone else looking out that same window had a different and better view.
How does this correlate to sobriety? Well, for me, when I quit drinking 102 days ago on February 8, 2016, the view out my window changed for me. But, it changed in a good way. Unlike the two very life altering examples above, our views out our windows can also become more beautiful...even sometimes with life altering changes...like sobriety.
It took sobriety to make me see that the view I had out my window when I was drinking was a very bad view. In hindsight, the scenery was foggy. It was like looking through a prism glass. There was no clarity. It was grey. After I conquered (very difficultly I might add!) my first week of sobriety...BAM!!! the view out my window changed. It was no longer foggy. It was clear. It was colorful. It was vibrant. But, it was, and still is isolating. But not in a bad way. Maybe it's because I am a secret quitter and it feels a bit strange that I can't talk with anyone about my new view? I feel like I am in a bubble. while looking out that window. Not a bubble that is waiting to be popped, but inside a bubble that only I can see out. It is a surreal feeling if that makes any sense.
So, while my new view out my window is much clearer, it is still isolating. I think that means that I still have a lot of work to do on getting my view out that window in even better focus. Maybe I will have to share my secret with others . I think for now, I kind of don't mind being in that bubble...as long as the view is still clear.
Hoping you have a great view out your window!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 102
Hello!
A 17 year old boy in my town passed away unexpectedly on Sunday. I am so shaken up about it. He was to graduate HS this Friday. I did not know him or his family. It got me to thinking about if something like that would make me go back to drinking. I think it would. I hope to never find out. It also got me thinking that that boys family now views the world differently. When they now look out their window, their world is different. Horribly different. Nothing is the same. Nor will it ever be the same as it was on Saturday for that family.
I remember when on October 8, 2004, at 41 years of age, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My world was rocked. When I looked out my window, my world was different. Nothing was the same. Of course not in the same way as the family who lost their son, but it was different. My world had changed. I no longer had the same view out that window as I had had on October 7, 2004. My view was isolating. I felt alone...I felt that only I had the bad view while everyone else looking out that same window had a different and better view.
How does this correlate to sobriety? Well, for me, when I quit drinking 102 days ago on February 8, 2016, the view out my window changed for me. But, it changed in a good way. Unlike the two very life altering examples above, our views out our windows can also become more beautiful...even sometimes with life altering changes...like sobriety.
It took sobriety to make me see that the view I had out my window when I was drinking was a very bad view. In hindsight, the scenery was foggy. It was like looking through a prism glass. There was no clarity. It was grey. After I conquered (very difficultly I might add!) my first week of sobriety...BAM!!! the view out my window changed. It was no longer foggy. It was clear. It was colorful. It was vibrant. But, it was, and still is isolating. But not in a bad way. Maybe it's because I am a secret quitter and it feels a bit strange that I can't talk with anyone about my new view? I feel like I am in a bubble. while looking out that window. Not a bubble that is waiting to be popped, but inside a bubble that only I can see out. It is a surreal feeling if that makes any sense.
So, while my new view out my window is much clearer, it is still isolating. I think that means that I still have a lot of work to do on getting my view out that window in even better focus. Maybe I will have to share my secret with others . I think for now, I kind of don't mind being in that bubble...as long as the view is still clear.
Hoping you have a great view out your window!
Love,
Sober at 53
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Day 101 - Triggers vs. Cravings
Day 101
May 18, 2016
Hello!
Thank you so much for celebrating my 100 Days Sober with me y'day!!! I really appreciated all of the comments and emails!! Thank you so very much! So happy to have found this sober blog world!
That being said, this afternoon, while so happy about today, I thought to myself "I will have to celebrate with a drink tonight!" WTF? That got me thinking...is it a trigger or a craving?
The definitions:
trigger: something that causes something else to happen
craving: a powerful desire for something
I kind of always lumped them together. Today, my celebratory happiness was a trigger. Luckily, it didn't cause a craving. But, it was paralyzing! I couldn't believe it happened. And, it felt so natural! And, yes, when I realized that I don't drink, I was sad!
I wonder if a trigger always precedes a craving? Can you just have a plain old craving for wine? Does it have to be triggered by something?
I am realizing that the "triggers" are something I really have to watch out for. That trigger could lead to a craving! I am hoping, that over time, there will be little to no triggers. I guess I have to work on the triggers...can you even help them? Like today, should I not have been happy so I didn't have a trigger? What should I do instead? I can't avoid all things that may cause a trigger. Maybe you just have to recognize that a trigger is just a trigger and you don't have to act upon it. This led me to do a google search. I found an article in Psychology Today about triggers and cravings. Interestingly, it said this:
"...the simplest way to break the trigger-response connection is simply repeated exposure without the reward. As bizarre as this may seem, staying away from the triggers can make their ability to bring back the old drug-behavior stronger." Adi Jaffe, Ph.D.
So, I guess I answered one of my questions! Don't stay away from the triggers! Could that really be right? I don't know.
As I've moved along in my sobriety journey, I have found that the cravings are way less then they were when I first started, but the triggers are all still there.
So a wise word to myself:
BEWARE OF THE TRIGGERS!!! DO NOT REWARD THEM WITH WINE!
Hoping you have a trigger and craving free day!
Love,
Sober at 53
May 18, 2016
Hello!
Thank you so much for celebrating my 100 Days Sober with me y'day!!! I really appreciated all of the comments and emails!! Thank you so very much! So happy to have found this sober blog world!
That being said, this afternoon, while so happy about today, I thought to myself "I will have to celebrate with a drink tonight!" WTF? That got me thinking...is it a trigger or a craving?
The definitions:
trigger: something that causes something else to happen
craving: a powerful desire for something
I kind of always lumped them together. Today, my celebratory happiness was a trigger. Luckily, it didn't cause a craving. But, it was paralyzing! I couldn't believe it happened. And, it felt so natural! And, yes, when I realized that I don't drink, I was sad!
I wonder if a trigger always precedes a craving? Can you just have a plain old craving for wine? Does it have to be triggered by something?
I am realizing that the "triggers" are something I really have to watch out for. That trigger could lead to a craving! I am hoping, that over time, there will be little to no triggers. I guess I have to work on the triggers...can you even help them? Like today, should I not have been happy so I didn't have a trigger? What should I do instead? I can't avoid all things that may cause a trigger. Maybe you just have to recognize that a trigger is just a trigger and you don't have to act upon it. This led me to do a google search. I found an article in Psychology Today about triggers and cravings. Interestingly, it said this:
"...the simplest way to break the trigger-response connection is simply repeated exposure without the reward. As bizarre as this may seem, staying away from the triggers can make their ability to bring back the old drug-behavior stronger." Adi Jaffe, Ph.D.
So, I guess I answered one of my questions! Don't stay away from the triggers! Could that really be right? I don't know.
As I've moved along in my sobriety journey, I have found that the cravings are way less then they were when I first started, but the triggers are all still there.
So a wise word to myself:
BEWARE OF THE TRIGGERS!!! DO NOT REWARD THEM WITH WINE!
Hoping you have a trigger and craving free day!
Love,
Sober at 53
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Day 100!! My 100 day Blog Party!
May 17, 2016
Day 100
Hello!
Drumroll please.....DAY 100!!!!
Because I am a secret quitter I have to celebrate here as nobody in real life knows to throw me a party! hahaha!
I am so excited to have made it this far! I never thought I could do it...but I did! I feel like there should be cake and fireworks!
But, I know that I am still not "safe" with a 100 sober days under my belt. I am not fooling myself.
I heard this quote on The Bubble Hour that resonated with me...it helps to keep me going:
"I am only one drink away from ground zero."
It is so true. One drink would wipe away my success..because one drink would NEVER be enough for me.
It is interesting, because I can now think that I will never drink again (most of the time anyway!). I still like to count days. I like to "see" my success. But, I try to picture myself in the future as a sober person. (A skinny sober person). I hate to rush my life, but I just want to get this whole drinking/quitting thing over with already! (hmmm....do you think that I should work on patience? After all, it is a virtue.)
My goals:
I want to get through all of the "firsts." (Someone please remind me of this when I am complaining as I am scared for my first sober summer!)
I want to go one day without even thinking about a drink (I hope that does not require me to be in a comatose state!)
I want to be able to learn how to deal with my feelings...properly (is there really such a thing? I am going to find out!)
I still have to lose that dang 20 lbs. 100 days and NADA! The scale hasn't budged. But somehow, my jeans fit me better?
I want to make a list of all of the great advice I get from the sobersvere so I can help someone else.
(that is going to be a very long list!)
And one of my "fun" things to do with this blog is to see the countries where people that read my blog are from. (Don't worry, there are no names, cities, etc. You are anonymous!) Someone read my blog from a country that I never even heard of! I had to get out the old globe!(I really just googled it and learned a lot about a country that I've never heard of! Watch out Jeopardy!)
I am happy today. Very happy. Pink Cloud happy.
Thank you for coming to my Day 100 blog party!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 100
Hello!
Drumroll please.....DAY 100!!!!
Because I am a secret quitter I have to celebrate here as nobody in real life knows to throw me a party! hahaha!
I am so excited to have made it this far! I never thought I could do it...but I did! I feel like there should be cake and fireworks!
But, I know that I am still not "safe" with a 100 sober days under my belt. I am not fooling myself.
I heard this quote on The Bubble Hour that resonated with me...it helps to keep me going:
"I am only one drink away from ground zero."
It is so true. One drink would wipe away my success..because one drink would NEVER be enough for me.
It is interesting, because I can now think that I will never drink again (most of the time anyway!). I still like to count days. I like to "see" my success. But, I try to picture myself in the future as a sober person. (A skinny sober person). I hate to rush my life, but I just want to get this whole drinking/quitting thing over with already! (hmmm....do you think that I should work on patience? After all, it is a virtue.)
My goals:
I want to get through all of the "firsts." (Someone please remind me of this when I am complaining as I am scared for my first sober summer!)
I want to go one day without even thinking about a drink (I hope that does not require me to be in a comatose state!)
I want to be able to learn how to deal with my feelings...properly (is there really such a thing? I am going to find out!)
I still have to lose that dang 20 lbs. 100 days and NADA! The scale hasn't budged. But somehow, my jeans fit me better?
I want to make a list of all of the great advice I get from the sobersvere so I can help someone else.
(that is going to be a very long list!)
And one of my "fun" things to do with this blog is to see the countries where people that read my blog are from. (Don't worry, there are no names, cities, etc. You are anonymous!) Someone read my blog from a country that I never even heard of! I had to get out the old globe!(I really just googled it and learned a lot about a country that I've never heard of! Watch out Jeopardy!)
I am happy today. Very happy. Pink Cloud happy.
Thank you for coming to my Day 100 blog party!
Love,
Sober at 53
Monday, May 16, 2016
Day 99 - Last day in double digits!
May 16, 2016
Day 99
Hello!
Well, today is my very last day in the double digit number days of sobriety...hopefully forever! I cannot wait to get over this whole "quitting" thing. It is almost as time consuming as drinking was. But, I need the online support I get from reading all of the blogs, listening to the Bubble Hour and reading books about sobriety.
I am very much looking forward to tomorrow where I will turn the corner and enter the triple digit number of days! I can't wait to read the 100 day posts of those that are ahead of me!
I think tomorrow I will also read my blog in its entirety to remind myself how far I've come!
I know this sounds really strange, but it really is a surreal feeling being at Day 99. I never could've imagined it. I feel like that tomorrow, when I reach 100 days, I will be different! I know I am still in the early stages and there will still be cravings and triggers...and I still have a lot of work to do on how I deal with things. But, mentally, I will be different. I will have made it to a place that I NEVER thought I could get to. Remember....this time is the only time I've ever made it past a Day 1 in 10+ years!!!
I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!! (old Helen Reddy song for you young ones!)
So, today is a big turning point for me! Tomorrow, I'll be another day older!!! hahaha!
Wishing you a great day!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 99
Hello!
Well, today is my very last day in the double digit number days of sobriety...hopefully forever! I cannot wait to get over this whole "quitting" thing. It is almost as time consuming as drinking was. But, I need the online support I get from reading all of the blogs, listening to the Bubble Hour and reading books about sobriety.
I am very much looking forward to tomorrow where I will turn the corner and enter the triple digit number of days! I can't wait to read the 100 day posts of those that are ahead of me!
I think tomorrow I will also read my blog in its entirety to remind myself how far I've come!
I know this sounds really strange, but it really is a surreal feeling being at Day 99. I never could've imagined it. I feel like that tomorrow, when I reach 100 days, I will be different! I know I am still in the early stages and there will still be cravings and triggers...and I still have a lot of work to do on how I deal with things. But, mentally, I will be different. I will have made it to a place that I NEVER thought I could get to. Remember....this time is the only time I've ever made it past a Day 1 in 10+ years!!!
I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!! (old Helen Reddy song for you young ones!)
So, today is a big turning point for me! Tomorrow, I'll be another day older!!! hahaha!
Wishing you a great day!
Love,
Sober at 53
Friday, May 13, 2016
Day 95 - Secret Quitter
May 12, 2016
Day 95
Hello!
I read a blog by "Find a Sober Miracle." The other day she wrote a blog entitled Paranoia, which was about blogging anonymously (and it was quite humorous). The comments that followed that post showed that many of us do just that. My comment had the word "secret quitter" in it. Because that is what I am...a secret quitter. I was a secret drinker that has turned into a secret quitter.
And guess what? That secret bit me in the arse tonight!!!
I was at my book club mtg. which happened to be at my best friends house. (and no, she doesn't even know about my secret quitting, nor did she know about how much I drank secretly at home each night!) I have been in the same book club for 18 years! True to form, our book club, revolves around a lot of wine! We do have great book club discussions though!
The hostess and I had this exchange when I arrived:
Hostess: Have a glass of wine.
Me: No, thank you. I'll have something else.
Hostess: But I bought you your favorite cabernet.
Me: That was so nice of you, but I don't feel like drinking right now.
Hostess: Come on, just have a glass. I bought this for you! I know how much you like it!
Me (as I want to run out of her house!) There are a lot of people here who love Cabernet. I'm sure it will get drank!
Hostess: Well..ok.. (and I could tell she was a bit hurt)
I wish I could've just shouted "PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I AM NOT DRINKING ANYMORE! I HAD A PROBLEM AND I AM WORKING ON IT!"
But, because I'm a "secret quitter" I couldn't say that! I couldn't say anything!
I had heard on a Bubble Hour podcast that when you go to someone's house always bring your own drink so it wouldn't be a problem. I brought my SWELL bottle filled with peppermint tea. It was no biggie. But, I did get asked why i brought my own tea! I made us some BS excuse...Oh, I am trying to get hooked on herbal teas to cut down on my Equal habit in my morning tea." I really couldn't have come up with a worse reason! That is how I am on the fly! NOT GOOD!
So, this secret quitter thing is hard! At first I felt empowered by being a secret quitter. Then I felt isolated. Now I feel frustrated...I need to get back to that empowered feeling!
Maybe I don't want anyone to know how weak I was? That I drowned my evenings in Cabernet? That I haven't dealt with my emotions for a long time because I drank too much? I just don't want to come clean. But, it is hard without the support in real life. But, I don't want the stigma attached to me about being an alcohol addict. I don't want anyone to know how bad I was!!!
I guess I have to keep pushing on and knowing that because I made the decision to be a secret quitter, then I have to just deal with that and the situations that come up!
Wishing you an easy "secret quitter" life!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 95
Hello!
I read a blog by "Find a Sober Miracle." The other day she wrote a blog entitled Paranoia, which was about blogging anonymously (and it was quite humorous). The comments that followed that post showed that many of us do just that. My comment had the word "secret quitter" in it. Because that is what I am...a secret quitter. I was a secret drinker that has turned into a secret quitter.
And guess what? That secret bit me in the arse tonight!!!
I was at my book club mtg. which happened to be at my best friends house. (and no, she doesn't even know about my secret quitting, nor did she know about how much I drank secretly at home each night!) I have been in the same book club for 18 years! True to form, our book club, revolves around a lot of wine! We do have great book club discussions though!
The hostess and I had this exchange when I arrived:
Hostess: Have a glass of wine.
Me: No, thank you. I'll have something else.
Hostess: But I bought you your favorite cabernet.
Me: That was so nice of you, but I don't feel like drinking right now.
Hostess: Come on, just have a glass. I bought this for you! I know how much you like it!
Me (as I want to run out of her house!) There are a lot of people here who love Cabernet. I'm sure it will get drank!
Hostess: Well..ok.. (and I could tell she was a bit hurt)
I wish I could've just shouted "PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I AM NOT DRINKING ANYMORE! I HAD A PROBLEM AND I AM WORKING ON IT!"
But, because I'm a "secret quitter" I couldn't say that! I couldn't say anything!
I had heard on a Bubble Hour podcast that when you go to someone's house always bring your own drink so it wouldn't be a problem. I brought my SWELL bottle filled with peppermint tea. It was no biggie. But, I did get asked why i brought my own tea! I made us some BS excuse...Oh, I am trying to get hooked on herbal teas to cut down on my Equal habit in my morning tea." I really couldn't have come up with a worse reason! That is how I am on the fly! NOT GOOD!
So, this secret quitter thing is hard! At first I felt empowered by being a secret quitter. Then I felt isolated. Now I feel frustrated...I need to get back to that empowered feeling!
Maybe I don't want anyone to know how weak I was? That I drowned my evenings in Cabernet? That I haven't dealt with my emotions for a long time because I drank too much? I just don't want to come clean. But, it is hard without the support in real life. But, I don't want the stigma attached to me about being an alcohol addict. I don't want anyone to know how bad I was!!!
I guess I have to keep pushing on and knowing that because I made the decision to be a secret quitter, then I have to just deal with that and the situations that come up!
Wishing you an easy "secret quitter" life!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Day 94 - The Impossible
May 11, 2016
Day 94
Hello!
I heard this quote today by the comedienne Tina Fey and it reminded me of drinking and sobriety. (I am concerned that every "quote" I come across I can somehow relate to either drinking or sobriety! I think I might need to work on changing that!)
Day 94
Hello!
I heard this quote today by the comedienne Tina Fey and it reminded me of drinking and sobriety. (I am concerned that every "quote" I come across I can somehow relate to either drinking or sobriety! I think I might need to work on changing that!)
You go through big
chunks of time where you're
just thinking,
'THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE
-----------OH THIS IS-----------
IMPOSSIBLE'
And then you just keep going
and keep going, and you sort
of do the impossible.
That is me, and so many of us. Drinking for years and trying to quit many, many times but not being successful because we thought it was too hard or impossible! But, then, one day, after one of our many attempts at putting down the bottle, we succeed! We start to accomplish the impossible!
If you are just starting out on your journey, keep going and going and going. No matter how many times it takes. Eventually, you will sort it out. And if that means you need help to do so, get it! That is the part of "keep going." You have to sometimes try different avenues. Ask for help. Go to a recovery program. Blog. Do whatever it is you need to do to keep going so you get to the other side of the Impossible!!! And, you may have to do it all!
And for those that are well on their way to the other side of Impossible, keep doing what you are doing. And, if you get stuck, ask for help. You are already well on your way! Keep the momentum going..show yourself that you can overcome the impossible! (I am going to hold onto this as I have no bigger critic of myself than me!) And, please share your success stories with those that are struggling. While misery does love company, so does happiness!
Hoping you keep going and going!
Love,
Sober at 53
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Day 90 - Not me this time!
May 7, 2016
Day 90
Hello!
Yesterday was my oldest child's graduation from college! It was a beautiful day! Lots of happy tears were shed (by me). It was such a celebratory day. And I wanted to celebrate...with wine! Badly! But...I had a few mocktails and made it thru the day!
That night we had a late dinner with one of my sons friends family. I had only ever met the friend and never his family. We had to wait a half an hour at the bar before our table was ready (and this was after a reservation that was made 2 months ago!). Again, I had a mocktail and an AF beer. I was ok. The mom asked me what I was drinking and I explained that I liked the taste of alcohol but I don't like how it makes me feel so I stick to AF drinks! Of course she was drinking my favorite...red wine! Which I was trying hard not to longingly look at!
At dinner, the wine was flowing...I think they went through 5 bottles of red (only 2 out of 11 of us weren't drinking...me and my daughter). Well, the mom of the friend drank too much and had to leave before dinner was over! She could barely stand up without wobbling! One of her kids had to call her an Uber and take her back to her hotel! In all fairness to her she didn't eat a lot at dinner. BUT...all I kept thinking was "IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME!" I looked at this woman and saw the old me. I feel badly for her because she's probably going to be embarrassed in the morning and she's going to have a hangover. I don't judge her...I feel for her. And I fell so happy that "IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME!"
And...its Day 90 for me! Woohoo!!
Hoping you have a lot of "IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME" days!
Love,
Sober st 53
Day 90
Hello!
Yesterday was my oldest child's graduation from college! It was a beautiful day! Lots of happy tears were shed (by me). It was such a celebratory day. And I wanted to celebrate...with wine! Badly! But...I had a few mocktails and made it thru the day!
That night we had a late dinner with one of my sons friends family. I had only ever met the friend and never his family. We had to wait a half an hour at the bar before our table was ready (and this was after a reservation that was made 2 months ago!). Again, I had a mocktail and an AF beer. I was ok. The mom asked me what I was drinking and I explained that I liked the taste of alcohol but I don't like how it makes me feel so I stick to AF drinks! Of course she was drinking my favorite...red wine! Which I was trying hard not to longingly look at!
At dinner, the wine was flowing...I think they went through 5 bottles of red (only 2 out of 11 of us weren't drinking...me and my daughter). Well, the mom of the friend drank too much and had to leave before dinner was over! She could barely stand up without wobbling! One of her kids had to call her an Uber and take her back to her hotel! In all fairness to her she didn't eat a lot at dinner. BUT...all I kept thinking was "IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME!" I looked at this woman and saw the old me. I feel badly for her because she's probably going to be embarrassed in the morning and she's going to have a hangover. I don't judge her...I feel for her. And I fell so happy that "IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME!"
And...its Day 90 for me! Woohoo!!
Hoping you have a lot of "IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME" days!
Love,
Sober st 53
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