April 16, 2016
Day 69
Hello!
First off, thank you so much to everyone who commented and reached out to me on my "Pity Party" post. You really saved me! Thank you! I had to take a few days off from blogging because I was in a "not good" place. I feel much better now. I've had to deal with my emotions without drowning them in wine. I did so...maybe not seamlessly, but I did it! And, I took your advice! I made sure I looked great! I got a blowout, put a smokey eye on my lids, wore my dress that I wanted to wear (Spanx were included!) and I felt good about myself! And, I didn't drink. They had servers practically at each table with bottles of red and white filling your glass as soon as you drained your last drop. Oh, how they would've been constantly filling mine 69 days ago!!!
Last night was our big Gala in NYC. Because I am AF, I decided to drive in and meet Mr. Soberat53 who works in the city. My normally 50 minute drive turned into a grueling 2 hours. I left plenty of time knowing that Friday night traffic could be horrendous...and it was!
The worst part was on the helix into the Lincoln Tunnel. It was so backed up and it probably took me 40 minutes to enter the tunnel.(traffic radio said only 20 minutes!) Well, a funny thing happened as soon as the nose of my car entered the tunnel. Bruce Springsteen's "Tunnel of Love" came on the radio. It made me laugh! What a coincidence!... but then it made me think. (and trust me, due to traffic, I had A LOT of time to think!)....Quitting drinking is like being in traffic in the tunnel.
There will be times in the tunnel where you are moving smoothly and everything is great! Life is Good! You are AF! Everything is going in the right direction! Then boom! You are completely at a stand still..not moving at all...you are stuck. You can either get out of your car and walk away (that would create a huge mess for those cars behind you and you would face tremendous fines) or you could wait it out. Eventually, it's got to move, right? You can't stay there forever! When you are stuck like that with quitting drinking, (whether it be cravings, PAWS, stress) you can either go back to the bottle, thus creating a huge mess for yourself and the "fines" you face could be serious ramifications in your life! OR you can wait out those bad times and know in your mind that you will not be stuck there forever...you will eventually move forward!
So, it's stop and go, stop and go the 1.5 miles (that would be 2.4 km for my metric using friends) through that tunnel. It takes you a lot longer to get through because it is not a smooth ride in. Lots of stuff to deal with on the way in addition to the stopping and going..You've also got that car in front of you that has left a gazillion car lengths in front of him and you are anxious to get to the other side and want him to move faster. But, there is nothing you can do (technically, you are not allowed to blow your horn in the tunnel). You have to deal with it! Just like your emotions! You are trapped in a tunnel (your own mind) and behind a car that is not moving the way you want it to (your emotions)...there is no way around that car. You just have to work through it!
Eventually, you make it out of the tunnel, after going through what you need to get through in order to come out the other side. And the other side is beautiful! There is light, beauty...and you are no longer trapped!! I can't wait to get to the other side!!! I am still at the beginning of the tunnel, but am finding myself moving forward....albeit very slowly and with that dang car in front of me! I am hoping the days of moving smoothly will be more frequent!!!
Wishing you a smooth ride through your tunnel!
Love,
Sober at 53
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Day 66 - Pity Party
April 13, 2016
Day 66
Welcome to my Pity Party!
I am having a real "woe is me" kinda day. It's the kind of day where I actually physically feel my sadness. You know the kind where your stomach drops as low as it can go? Your body feels like it's stuck in the "sigh" position? Yep, that's what I'm having. I feel like I'm stuck in a fishbowl looking out at the world and I can't get out. I am feeling soooooo very sorry for myself.
Day 66
Welcome to my Pity Party!
I am having a real "woe is me" kinda day. It's the kind of day where I actually physically feel my sadness. You know the kind where your stomach drops as low as it can go? Your body feels like it's stuck in the "sigh" position? Yep, that's what I'm having. I feel like I'm stuck in a fishbowl looking out at the world and I can't get out. I am feeling soooooo very sorry for myself.
- I am so sad that I am in this place. Why did I let myself drink so much that now I have to work really hard to quit!!! (I know I got myself into this place and I can get myself out!)
- I feel like everybody else can drink responsibly except for me. (I know that is not true)
- I feel like hardly anybody reads my blog. (That is fine, because I wrote it for me for accountability...but I was hoping to meet a lot of new people going thru exactly what I'm going thru. For what it's worth, I do read and comment on a lot of blogs. That helps me)
- I have a huge function to go to in NYC on Friday night for a charity that my husband is very involved with. I went last year and I was bored...he wasn't. I also drank a lot. This year I can't so I will be even more bored! I thought I would look better and the weather would be nicer so I could buy something cool to wear for the photo ops. (I do want to go to support my husband. It is important to him & I secretly submitted a photo of him running in a 1/2 marathon for said charity....he will be surprised!)
- I thought by now I would be down a lot of weight. No such luck. (From what I read, and from some replies I have rec'd that will come eventually...but I'm impatient! I want that reward for my wine sacrifice!)
- I'm sad that the rest of my life will be alcohol free. Maybe one day, after a lot of time passes AF, I can become a responsible drinker? (I know that I can't. Old habits die hard!)
- I'm pissed at myself that I still find myself sometimes reaching for a cigarette (no positive flip side on this one!)
- I am feeling very lonely on this journey. I still don't want to tell anybody. I don't want to be judged. While I like having my own personal secret, I think it may be isolating me (I know...I could go to AA (that's another story for another day), I could tell more people)
And the list goes on! I know this must have something to do with PAWS. How can I get it every week? Is that even possible? So, I exercised today, I got myself a pedicure, I purchased some new Lululemon exercise pants and I bought a crumb cake (I only ate the crumb part!..No wonder why the weight is not falling off???) And, I did all this and I still feel the same sadness.
But, it was helpful to write this, and I did force myself to think of something positive to write after each "woe." So one day when I look back on this, I can see that there are options to get myself out of my pity party. I'm just not feeling it today....sigh....
Thank you for coming to my pity party. Please feel free to take one of my "woe's" as your party favor...because that's what kind of party this is....Hmm...maybe you can take the whole damn fishbowl with you!
Love,
Sober at 53
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Day 65 - Free Will
April 12, 2016
Day 65
Hello!
After each exercise class, our instructor reads something inspirational. Y'day's quote really resonated with me:
"That which you call your Soul or Spirit is your consciousness, and that which you call "free will" is your minds freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom, the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and your character." Ayn Rand
Choosing to drink or to stop drinking is 100% controlled by our free will. We all have the ability to quit drinking, albeit not so easily, by free will. It's really that simple. It's a yes or no decision. Each day we have the free will to decide if we are going to uncork that bottle of wine or carry on without it. We each hold our decisions in our hand. Making bad choices, making good choices, all free will. I will no longer let drinking determine my life and character! I will be in charge!
The "mental addiction" we experience each day as we are trying to quit drinking is just stuff that tries to block our free will. This reminds me of another quote that is so relevant to us quitters and I also think to those who want to quit but are having a difficult time!
"As a drowning man wants air, as the lover seeks their beloved, this is the way you must focus on that which you want. This intensity of concentration will remove all obstacles." Author Unknown
That quote is going to really help me continue on my AF journey. The intensity of which a drowning man seeks air and that a lover seeks their beloved is the same intensity that I have for remaining AF. That is how badly I want it. I think of the drowning man clawing his way to the line where the water meets the air. It's an intense moment and it is all he can focus on. To me, the wine is what I was drowning in, both physically, but more importantly, mentally and I am seeking that "line" where I catch my breath and know that I am saved. Each AF day that I "claw" my way through gets me closer and closer to that "line." I am focused on getting to that line!! (but damn....why does it have to be so hard!!!!)
Wishing you the "free will" to be AF and hoping you get to that "line."
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 65
Hello!
After each exercise class, our instructor reads something inspirational. Y'day's quote really resonated with me:
"That which you call your Soul or Spirit is your consciousness, and that which you call "free will" is your minds freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom, the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and your character." Ayn Rand
Choosing to drink or to stop drinking is 100% controlled by our free will. We all have the ability to quit drinking, albeit not so easily, by free will. It's really that simple. It's a yes or no decision. Each day we have the free will to decide if we are going to uncork that bottle of wine or carry on without it. We each hold our decisions in our hand. Making bad choices, making good choices, all free will. I will no longer let drinking determine my life and character! I will be in charge!
The "mental addiction" we experience each day as we are trying to quit drinking is just stuff that tries to block our free will. This reminds me of another quote that is so relevant to us quitters and I also think to those who want to quit but are having a difficult time!
"As a drowning man wants air, as the lover seeks their beloved, this is the way you must focus on that which you want. This intensity of concentration will remove all obstacles." Author Unknown
That quote is going to really help me continue on my AF journey. The intensity of which a drowning man seeks air and that a lover seeks their beloved is the same intensity that I have for remaining AF. That is how badly I want it. I think of the drowning man clawing his way to the line where the water meets the air. It's an intense moment and it is all he can focus on. To me, the wine is what I was drowning in, both physically, but more importantly, mentally and I am seeking that "line" where I catch my breath and know that I am saved. Each AF day that I "claw" my way through gets me closer and closer to that "line." I am focused on getting to that line!! (but damn....why does it have to be so hard!!!!)
Wishing you the "free will" to be AF and hoping you get to that "line."
Love,
Sober at 53
Monday, April 11, 2016
Day 64 - Cravings at weird times!
April 11, 2016
Day 64
Hello!
I've been experiencing wine cravings at times when I normally didn't drink! What the heck is up with that???? I don't get it! It can happen at any time! (Never in the morning though). I could be sitting at my computer at 1:00, home alone, and a craving to drink will hit me! That never happened when I was drinking! I was only ever an evening drinker.
It pisses me off that this is happening to me! Nights are hard enough...now I have to deal with it whenever they pop up? Why? I try to think about what I'm feeling/doing/thinking when the craving hits and most times there is no good reason!!! Ugh!
I told all of this to my friend who knows that I have quit. She had some really good insight. She said that maybe, when I was drinking, I really had those cravings and didn't realize it because in my subconscious I pushed them off knowing that I would be drinking that night. I thought that made a lot of sense! But, it still really irks me that I'm aware of them now! SO NOT FAIR!!!
I really really thought that the cravings would be tough to battle in the evenings, when I normally drank. Now, I have to deal with them whenever they hit! Hopefully, this will stop soon!!!
Hoping you aren't getting cravings at odd times!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 64
Hello!
I've been experiencing wine cravings at times when I normally didn't drink! What the heck is up with that???? I don't get it! It can happen at any time! (Never in the morning though). I could be sitting at my computer at 1:00, home alone, and a craving to drink will hit me! That never happened when I was drinking! I was only ever an evening drinker.
It pisses me off that this is happening to me! Nights are hard enough...now I have to deal with it whenever they pop up? Why? I try to think about what I'm feeling/doing/thinking when the craving hits and most times there is no good reason!!! Ugh!
I told all of this to my friend who knows that I have quit. She had some really good insight. She said that maybe, when I was drinking, I really had those cravings and didn't realize it because in my subconscious I pushed them off knowing that I would be drinking that night. I thought that made a lot of sense! But, it still really irks me that I'm aware of them now! SO NOT FAIR!!!
I really really thought that the cravings would be tough to battle in the evenings, when I normally drank. Now, I have to deal with them whenever they hit! Hopefully, this will stop soon!!!
Hoping you aren't getting cravings at odd times!
Love,
Sober at 53
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Day 62 - Am I a Dry Drunk?
April 9, 2016
Day 62
Hello!
I was doing some research on PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) and I came across the term "dry drunk." I have heard of dry drunk before but I didn't really know what it meant. This is the definition:
Dry drunk is a slang expression infamously known in the sober community. It describes a person who no longer drinks or abuses drugs, but continues to behave in dysfunctional ways.
I see how it is connected to PAWS. If I don't start to deal with the emotions that I have cut off while drinking, I become a Dry Drunk. It is so important to really deal with those emotions. My analogy of Dry Drunk is someone who doesn't drink but is still white knuckling it. I know in the early stages of quitting drinking there is a TON of white knuckling. At least there was for me. But now that I am on Day 62, I have to think…should I still be white knuckling it? And I think some days I am doing just that. Day 60 was one of those days! But it seems that it was also a PAWS day. So, does someone who white knuckles it all of the time have PAWS all of the time? I don't want to find out. This gives me resolve to really deal with my emotions.
In my blog y'day, I said I smoked a cigarette. In my mind, that was behaving in a dysfunctional way as I am not a regular smoker…the white knuckling (PAWS) took me down! My typical behavior 62 days ago would've been to drink! So I am a dry drunk…at least I was y'day. Don't worry..I threw the cigarettes out! I can't keep doing this every time I get stressed! I have to keep dealing with those emotions!
Hoping you are not "white knuckling" it today!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 62
Hello!
I was doing some research on PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) and I came across the term "dry drunk." I have heard of dry drunk before but I didn't really know what it meant. This is the definition:
Dry drunk is a slang expression infamously known in the sober community. It describes a person who no longer drinks or abuses drugs, but continues to behave in dysfunctional ways.
I see how it is connected to PAWS. If I don't start to deal with the emotions that I have cut off while drinking, I become a Dry Drunk. It is so important to really deal with those emotions. My analogy of Dry Drunk is someone who doesn't drink but is still white knuckling it. I know in the early stages of quitting drinking there is a TON of white knuckling. At least there was for me. But now that I am on Day 62, I have to think…should I still be white knuckling it? And I think some days I am doing just that. Day 60 was one of those days! But it seems that it was also a PAWS day. So, does someone who white knuckles it all of the time have PAWS all of the time? I don't want to find out. This gives me resolve to really deal with my emotions.
In my blog y'day, I said I smoked a cigarette. In my mind, that was behaving in a dysfunctional way as I am not a regular smoker…the white knuckling (PAWS) took me down! My typical behavior 62 days ago would've been to drink! So I am a dry drunk…at least I was y'day. Don't worry..I threw the cigarettes out! I can't keep doing this every time I get stressed! I have to keep dealing with those emotions!
Hoping you are not "white knuckling" it today!
Love,
Sober at 53
Friday, April 8, 2016
Day 61 - Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)
Day 61
April 8, 2016
Hello!
Ok, y'day I posted a "psycho" blog post. The first part I was on a high note (the pink cloud).
The second part I was on a low note (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome - PAWS)
I rec'd an e-mail from sobermummy suggesting that I was suffering from PAWS. I referred to her blog and sure enough it seemed like I was indeed experiencing PAWS. I was on that roller coaster that she writes about! (If you haven't already, you should really really read her blog. It has helped me so very much!
http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com)
Then, I called my sister in law, who went through recovery about 7 years ago and now works as a recovery counselor. Unfortunately she lives 2000 miles away from me! She told me that in her experience PAWS hits around day 30, 60, 90, etc. and can keep on hitting up until the 2 year mark (Oh fuck!)
I googled PAWS and there is SO MUCH info. about it. Apparently, most people relapse during the PAWS period. When you are first quitting, you can experience acute withdrawal syndrome. Then, once you have the booze out of your body, you can experience post acute withdrawal syndrome.
I took this from a site I thought was informative regarding PAWS:
Here is what they say to do deal with it:
Fuzzy thinking (AKA brain fog)
* Inability to concentrate
* Problems with memory
* Inability to develop a normal sleep pattern
* Repetitive thinking
* Emotions that feel out of control
* Difficulties managing stress
* Problems with coordination
* Feelings of depression
* Feelings of anxiety
* The individual may feel like they lack initiative
* Cravings
* Feeling tired all the time
* Difficulty experiencing pleasure – this is also referred to as anhedonia
* Problems getting along with other people
* Obsessive compulsive disorder
* Feelings of guilt
Here is the full website if you want more info. I liked it because it was short and sweet:
http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/post-acute-withdrawal-symptoms/
So, I am not a a raving lunatic. I am suffering from PAWS. My SIL said it can last for days! Oh joy!
Thank you again sobermummy for pointing this out. Knowing what I am experiencing and realizing that it's part of the journey can help me not go back to the bottle!
So, what did I do to make myself feel better:
Well, I booked a massage for this evening. And, please don't shoot me, I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one! (I only smoke when I'm super stressed it seems….I am working on that!)
I am also very thankful that this is a real thing and not my new non drinking personality!!!
Now that I am fully aware of PAWS, I will have a plan in place so that I can deal with it better than I have today…and that plan will not include smoking!
I went for that massage. I am a massage junky! I just love them. They are one of my favorite things. You know what I did through my hour massage? I cried! and I couldn't stop! And, the massage place was next to a liquor store! But, I didn't go in. I realize that I am just experiencing what I really brought on myself (PAWS) by having drank so much! I WILL GET THRU THIS!
I do wonder…does everyone who quits drinking experience PAWS or am I just one of the unlucky ones? Ugh!
Hoping you make an action plan in case PAWS hits you!
Love,
Sober at 53
April 8, 2016
Hello!
Ok, y'day I posted a "psycho" blog post. The first part I was on a high note (the pink cloud).
The second part I was on a low note (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome - PAWS)
I rec'd an e-mail from sobermummy suggesting that I was suffering from PAWS. I referred to her blog and sure enough it seemed like I was indeed experiencing PAWS. I was on that roller coaster that she writes about! (If you haven't already, you should really really read her blog. It has helped me so very much!
http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com)
Then, I called my sister in law, who went through recovery about 7 years ago and now works as a recovery counselor. Unfortunately she lives 2000 miles away from me! She told me that in her experience PAWS hits around day 30, 60, 90, etc. and can keep on hitting up until the 2 year mark (Oh fuck!)
I googled PAWS and there is SO MUCH info. about it. Apparently, most people relapse during the PAWS period. When you are first quitting, you can experience acute withdrawal syndrome. Then, once you have the booze out of your body, you can experience post acute withdrawal syndrome.
I took this from a site I thought was informative regarding PAWS:
One of the most common symptoms of PAWS is the feeling that the individual is on an emotional rollercoaster. They might swing from feelings of happiness to despair in a matter of minutes. These intense fluctuations in mood can be quite disturbing for the individual who is not used to dealing with feelings. In the past they will have been able to turn to alcohol or drugs to escape uncomfortable emotions. Now they are left to face them and this can take a bit of getting used to.
One of the common experiences that people have in early recovery is pink cloud syndrome. This is where they go through a period of feeling exceptionally happy. The pink cloud is an enjoyable experience, but there are also some hidden dangers associated with. One problem is that people can feel so good about things that they begin to neglect the work they need to do in order to remain sober. There is also the risk when the pink cloud ends the individual will feel terribly disappointed and they will use this as an excuse to return to alcohol or drug abuse.
Here is what they say to do deal with it:
Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms do not tend to be there all the time. They come and go and most people will find that they have mostly disappeared within the first few months of recovery. The individual can help to speed the recovery process along by:
* Ensuring that they eat a balanced diet and taking nutritional supplements as prescribed by their doctor. If these symptoms are being caused by nutritional deficiencies then eating a balanced diet should help to address this.
* Exercise is not only good for physical health but also for mental well-being. It is important that people in recovery devote at least a little time each day to physical activity.
* Meditation is a wonderful tool for improving concentration and developing inner peace. Those who are dealing with PAWS can find it difficult to mediate, but they can begin by learning some simple breathing exercises.
* Those people who belong to a recovery group are likely to find that this provides them with support and advice.
* Exercise is not only good for physical health but also for mental well-being. It is important that people in recovery devote at least a little time each day to physical activity.
* Meditation is a wonderful tool for improving concentration and developing inner peace. Those who are dealing with PAWS can find it difficult to mediate, but they can begin by learning some simple breathing exercises.
* Those people who belong to a recovery group are likely to find that this provides them with support and advice.
* One of the important tasks for early recovery is for people to develop skills for dealing with stress. A good reason for attending rehab is that it gives the individual a head start in developing such coping mechanisms.
* It is important that those who are dealing with PAWS realize that these symptoms will almost certainly disappear once they are established in recovery.
These are the symptoms:* It is important that those who are dealing with PAWS realize that these symptoms will almost certainly disappear once they are established in recovery.
Fuzzy thinking (AKA brain fog)
* Inability to concentrate
* Problems with memory
* Inability to develop a normal sleep pattern
* Repetitive thinking
* Emotions that feel out of control
* Difficulties managing stress
* Problems with coordination
* Feelings of depression
* Feelings of anxiety
* The individual may feel like they lack initiative
* Cravings
* Feeling tired all the time
* Difficulty experiencing pleasure – this is also referred to as anhedonia
* Problems getting along with other people
* Obsessive compulsive disorder
* Feelings of guilt
Here is the full website if you want more info. I liked it because it was short and sweet:
http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/post-acute-withdrawal-symptoms/
So, I am not a a raving lunatic. I am suffering from PAWS. My SIL said it can last for days! Oh joy!
Thank you again sobermummy for pointing this out. Knowing what I am experiencing and realizing that it's part of the journey can help me not go back to the bottle!
So, what did I do to make myself feel better:
Well, I booked a massage for this evening. And, please don't shoot me, I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one! (I only smoke when I'm super stressed it seems….I am working on that!)
I am also very thankful that this is a real thing and not my new non drinking personality!!!
Now that I am fully aware of PAWS, I will have a plan in place so that I can deal with it better than I have today…and that plan will not include smoking!
I went for that massage. I am a massage junky! I just love them. They are one of my favorite things. You know what I did through my hour massage? I cried! and I couldn't stop! And, the massage place was next to a liquor store! But, I didn't go in. I realize that I am just experiencing what I really brought on myself (PAWS) by having drank so much! I WILL GET THRU THIS!
I do wonder…does everyone who quits drinking experience PAWS or am I just one of the unlucky ones? Ugh!
Hoping you make an action plan in case PAWS hits you!
Love,
Sober at 53
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Day 60!!!! Happy and Sad/Angry/Pissed
April 7, 2016
Day 60
Hello!
I have nothing to post today except that today is DAY 60!!!! I NEVER thought that I could do this! I am actually in awe of myself! I quit something that was ingrained in my life! I lost my best friend…WINE! Or so I thought! Good self esteem is my new best friend!
Was it hard to quit? Hell ya, and it still is!!! I am learning to deal with my emotions that I ensconced in wine over the last 10 years plus! I am learning a new way to "be." Sometimes, I don't know what to do with myself! I read a lot of books and blogs about living alcohol free!
One thing I will say today, is that if you come across this blog post and you yourself want to get to Day 60 (I just love saying Day 60…there! I said it again!) read Jason Vale's book "Quit the Drink….easily." Soooo many bloggers recommend this book. They all must've gotten something out of it! It is such a different way of thinking about quitting drinking…for me, and I think for a lot of the other bloggers who recommend it, it has really really helped. It seems so simple. I HIGHLY recommend it. It will help you to get to Day 60!
So Congratulations to me! I can't believe it! This motivates me to keep going! I love the milestones! I just hope this journey doesn't get any harder!!! I think my honeymoon phase is over! (Yikes!)
Hoping you get to Day 60 and beyond!
Ok..so I wrote the above in the morning! I was flying high! So I thought it would be a good day to take my measurements. The last time I took them was on Feb 26th. Guess what????????? NO F'ing CHANGE!!!! WTF??? What did I do? I cried and contemplated digging into the leftover Easter candy! I have been pretty good with my diet (last week i was on vacation so it was free for all…but altogether…not that bad..no wine!). So, my "honeymoon phase" is definitely over!!! I always thought that if I could quit drinking I would lose weight! I guess not! Now, I am at the high end of the normal BMI range for my height. I would so like to be in the middle of that range! When I was drinking, maybe I subconsciously didn't eat a lot and saved my calories for wine? Maybe the wine dehydrated me so I have a lot of catching up to do now? I don't know! I am sad, angry and so pissed! The weight loss was my goal…and 60 days and NOTHING!! Aaaaaargh!!!!! And I exercise like an animal! I do bootcamp 4 days a week and I do some sort of flexibility class 2 other days, and run when I can! Is there such a thing as too much exercise for weight loss? I highly doubt it! I am thru menopause…have been for 11 years. So that's not it! I have been following Weight Watchers, albeit loosely. OMG..I am so depressed about this! And yes, this has produced a wine craving!!! I just want to climb in the bottle! I thought by quitting, in addition to the mental change I would also be getting an "outward" physiological change. No such luck! It is making this journey even harder for me than it already is! I know, I know, good things are happening inside of my body from being alcohol free (at least I hope so!) But I am vain! I want the outside changes as well….and fast! Damn, Damn, Damn!!!! Even my "Happy" Playlist is not gonna get me out of this funk..sigh.
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 60
Hello!
I have nothing to post today except that today is DAY 60!!!! I NEVER thought that I could do this! I am actually in awe of myself! I quit something that was ingrained in my life! I lost my best friend…WINE! Or so I thought! Good self esteem is my new best friend!
Was it hard to quit? Hell ya, and it still is!!! I am learning to deal with my emotions that I ensconced in wine over the last 10 years plus! I am learning a new way to "be." Sometimes, I don't know what to do with myself! I read a lot of books and blogs about living alcohol free!
One thing I will say today, is that if you come across this blog post and you yourself want to get to Day 60 (I just love saying Day 60…there! I said it again!) read Jason Vale's book "Quit the Drink….easily." Soooo many bloggers recommend this book. They all must've gotten something out of it! It is such a different way of thinking about quitting drinking…for me, and I think for a lot of the other bloggers who recommend it, it has really really helped. It seems so simple. I HIGHLY recommend it. It will help you to get to Day 60!
So Congratulations to me! I can't believe it! This motivates me to keep going! I love the milestones! I just hope this journey doesn't get any harder!!! I think my honeymoon phase is over! (Yikes!)
Hoping you get to Day 60 and beyond!
Ok..so I wrote the above in the morning! I was flying high! So I thought it would be a good day to take my measurements. The last time I took them was on Feb 26th. Guess what????????? NO F'ing CHANGE!!!! WTF??? What did I do? I cried and contemplated digging into the leftover Easter candy! I have been pretty good with my diet (last week i was on vacation so it was free for all…but altogether…not that bad..no wine!). So, my "honeymoon phase" is definitely over!!! I always thought that if I could quit drinking I would lose weight! I guess not! Now, I am at the high end of the normal BMI range for my height. I would so like to be in the middle of that range! When I was drinking, maybe I subconsciously didn't eat a lot and saved my calories for wine? Maybe the wine dehydrated me so I have a lot of catching up to do now? I don't know! I am sad, angry and so pissed! The weight loss was my goal…and 60 days and NOTHING!! Aaaaaargh!!!!! And I exercise like an animal! I do bootcamp 4 days a week and I do some sort of flexibility class 2 other days, and run when I can! Is there such a thing as too much exercise for weight loss? I highly doubt it! I am thru menopause…have been for 11 years. So that's not it! I have been following Weight Watchers, albeit loosely. OMG..I am so depressed about this! And yes, this has produced a wine craving!!! I just want to climb in the bottle! I thought by quitting, in addition to the mental change I would also be getting an "outward" physiological change. No such luck! It is making this journey even harder for me than it already is! I know, I know, good things are happening inside of my body from being alcohol free (at least I hope so!) But I am vain! I want the outside changes as well….and fast! Damn, Damn, Damn!!!! Even my "Happy" Playlist is not gonna get me out of this funk..sigh.
Love,
Sober at 53
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