June 3, 2016
I do not know why I am quitting anymore!! I thought so many things would change for me. And guess what? Im not seeing those changes I want and need to see!!
Today, I went for my breast cancer check up my cancer center in NYC. I am an 11 year breast cancer survivor. I had a bunch of tests today and they all came back great, for which I am very grateful. BUT, the test that I was really excited to see were the blood work for the liver panel numbers!
After my day long appointments, my husband and I went out to dinner. We went to a Basque restaurant in the city. The place was really cool. My sweet husband talked to the bartender and had him make me a delicious mocktail. Muddled cucumber and mint with rhubarb syrup. It was delicious. I was so happy to be there. While we were waiting for our meal, I looked up my blood test results. Guess what? THEY WERE EXACTLY THE SAME AS WHEN I WAS DRINKING!!!!!! I was so pissed. I was POSITIVE that they would be even better. They have always been great...but I wanted greater!
I also had a bone density test today and they take your height and weight. I AM EXACTLY THE SAME WEIGHT AS WHEN I WAS DRINKING!!!!! I was so pissed!
I was so disappointed that I almost ditched that delicious mocktail for a glass, or bottle, of Spanish red wine! It took nearly everything I had not to. In the end, it was Mr. Soberat53 that convinced me not to (all the while sipping his red wine!). He said I have come so far and that my drinking had been escalating. He reminded me of how good I feel in the mornings. He told me that he thinks I look better (I am going to believe him). He reminded me of how my head is much clearer.
I had been so proud of myself today. I finally, after 11 years, got to check the "NO" box on the medical update forms to the question "Do you drink alcohol." I even took a picture of my checked NO box!!! (nobody saw me do that....I hope!) After the appointments I came across this beautiful church and went in and actually cried as I thanked God for giving me the strength to quit and even lit a candle!
But tonight, I am really questioning if this is all worth it! Nothing physically has changed. Those are the things that were the impetus for me quitting drinking. All of that hard work for what???
I know quitting is the right thing to be doing but I really don't know why anymore. I am not going to go back to drinking today, but I sure have lost my mojo for quitting. Since I am a secret quitter, I could go right back and nobody would be the wiser. It's funny how in one day you can be so high, and then, go so low! And tomorrow I have a girls dinner out in NYC. It was going to be a tough one for me with not drinking BEFORE I started questioning myself tonight! Ugh!
So now I have to come up with other big reasons that will enable me to continue on this sobriety journey.
Just ranting again...I still really can't believe my liver function numbers weren't lower!! They were right in the middle of the range, where they have been for years! How could they not be lower after giving up over 117 bottles of wine and then some!!! I just don't get it! And all of those calories in those 117+ bottles of wine?? I should be emaciated....trying to put on weight for goodness sakes!
Ok..if you got this far, thank you for once again attending Soberat53's Pity Party!
With GREAT FRUSTRATION,
Sober at 53