Friday, June 3, 2016

Day 117 - Why am I doing this?????

June 3, 2016
Day 117

I do not know why I am quitting anymore!!  I thought so many things would change for me.  And guess what? Im not seeing those changes I want and need to see!!

Today, I went for my breast cancer check up my cancer center in NYC.  I am an 11 year breast cancer survivor.  I had a bunch of tests today and they all came back great, for which I am very grateful.    BUT, the test that I was really excited to see were the blood work for the liver panel numbers!

After my day long appointments, my husband and I went out to dinner.  We went to a Basque restaurant in the city.  The place was really cool.  My sweet husband talked to the bartender and had him make me a delicious mocktail.  Muddled cucumber and mint with rhubarb syrup.  It was delicious.  I was so happy to be there.  While we were waiting for our meal, I looked up my blood test results.  Guess what?  THEY WERE EXACTLY THE SAME AS WHEN I WAS DRINKING!!!!!!  I was so pissed.  I was POSITIVE that they would be even better.  They have always been great...but I wanted greater!

I also had a bone density test today and they take your height and weight.  I AM EXACTLY THE SAME WEIGHT AS WHEN I WAS DRINKING!!!!!  I was so pissed!

I was so disappointed that I almost ditched that delicious mocktail for a glass, or bottle, of Spanish red wine!  It took nearly everything I had not to.  In the end, it was Mr. Soberat53 that convinced me not to (all the while sipping his red wine!).  He said I have come so far and that my drinking had been escalating.  He reminded me of how good I feel in the mornings.  He told me that he thinks I look better (I am going to believe him).  He reminded me of how my head is much clearer.

I had been so proud of myself today.  I finally, after 11 years, got to check the "NO" box on the medical update forms to the question "Do you drink alcohol."  I even took a picture of my checked NO box!!! (nobody saw me do that....I hope!)  After the appointments I came across this beautiful church and went in and actually cried as I thanked God for giving me the strength to quit and even lit a candle!

But tonight, I am really questioning if this is all worth it!  Nothing physically has changed.  Those are the things that were the impetus for me quitting drinking.  All of that hard work for what???

I know quitting is the right thing to be doing but I really don't know why anymore.  I am not going to go back to drinking today, but I sure have lost my mojo for quitting.  Since I am a secret quitter, I could go right back and nobody would be the wiser.  It's funny how in one day you can be so high, and then, go so low!   And tomorrow I have a girls dinner out in NYC.  It was going to be a tough one for me with not drinking BEFORE I started questioning myself tonight!  Ugh!

So now I have to come up with other big reasons that will enable me to continue on this sobriety journey.

Just ranting again...I still really can't believe my liver function numbers weren't lower!!  They were right in the middle of the range, where they have been for years!  How could they not be lower after giving up over 117 bottles of wine and then some!!!  I just don't get it!  And all of those calories in those 117+ bottles of wine??  I should be emaciated....trying to put on weight for goodness sakes!


Ok..if you got this far, thank you for once again attending Soberat53's Pity Party!

Sober at 53



  1. Lol, your pity party was kind of fun to read. Can I point out something...even YOU said your liver numbers were right in the middle of the range when you were drinking. Girl, that just means you hadn't screwed up your body too much when you were drinking. You were lucky. You don't need them to be different, mid range is ideal! The weight issue probably has to do with our consumption of all things other than alcohol. But if your blood was fine, your weight is probably healthy too even if you think you have some to lose. See? It's all perspective!

    1. When I was sober for 2 years, my weight was MUCH higher than I thought it would be, especially since I wasn't eating that much and was really active. I remember feeling really pissed about that. Also, my blood pressure could have been much better too.. but what I know today as an active drinker, my blood pressure is MUCH higher, my weight is higher, and I can't accomplish anything at all no matter what much I want to. I'm sorry you didn't see the rewards you expected and totally understand why you feel the way you do. Drinking makes everything worse though. I swear by that.

  2. Thank you for such an honest post! This is SO hard sometimes, I hope you feel better tomorrow. You will definitely feel better than you would have done if you had downed that bottle that's for sure. I struggle with WHY am I doing this sometimes too, especially when I don't see outward physical results (I am EATING MY BODYWEIGHT IN CHOCOLATE right now) however I try to remember the mental health angle for me.p: the removal of obsession with drinking and all the head space that took up. Sending you good vibes from here in London! Xxxx

  3. I have been at day 117 before and I too thought there were no changes in my life. That it was all for nothing. It's only when I started drinking again on day 129 that I remembered why I was doing this, and by then it was too late.

    I know it's so frustrating not seeing the scales move. I'm sure they will but it does seem to take time. While your liver and weight are the same, they both may have been worse had you consumed an extra 117 bottles of wine.

    Stick with it, it's not for nothing. It's just easy to forget the bad. Maybe re-read your blog from the beginning to see how far you've come.

  4. I was just looking at my blog and a while back I did a post called 'for me to remember' I think you are far enough down the line to read something like this and insert your own small changes. I imagine when I'm at day 117 I'll be needing it too.

    1. I'd post the link but I don't know how to from my phone...sorry

  5. Ah Sobermom@53,there are some wise words above. Okay so the liver and blood test could have been better but they werent bad and they WOULD have been worse if you drank. Maybe not this time but eventually in the future they would be. I feel like you've had a bit of a tough few weeks. The prom party, missing your friend, now the hospital appointment. Thats a lot for someone to deal with. You are doing the right thing. Mentally you are in a stronger place. Phisically you are healthier and stronger (though you may not feel it now) dont focus on the weight loss, I too havent lost anything and it can be a bit disheartening but I know that you are like a sober super hero compared to your drinking friends. You have a clear head, while their's are fuzzy. You wake up happier in the morning, while they have hangovers. You have more money, while they have just spent theirs on more booze. You are healthier, while they play roulette with their liver and brain cells. You have a wide range of sober friends here and a toolbox to boot. They have to get inebriated to numb out everything including the good.
    I could go on but this is way longer than i meant, sorry :) I hope you are feeling better soon. hugs xxx

  6. I know how you feel. I'm at 195 days and still haven't lost weight. I haven't been sleeping well so look tired most of the time, so don't look all glowing or 10 years younger like a lot of people who give up drinking. BUT I feel so much better mentally. Try and remember how you felt in the mornings, tired, hungover and filled with shame and remorse (that's how I felt anyway) Do you really want to go back to that? Maybe it's our age that has made the weight loss slow. I really don't know. It's not fair!! But it's not worth drinking again. A x

    1. I hope you feel better tomorrow. A x

    2. Look back at pictures...see if you don't see a difference. Maybe just a little less distress...

  7. Oh my friend. I'm so sorry for your disappointments. I totally get why you would feel this way. That happened to me when I quit smoking. I didn't feel any different, ever. But I knew that ultimately it would not be the reason I would die early. Same with alcohol. My parents come from a long line of people who lived well into their 90s. They both died before age 70. So regardless of the changes you are noticing right now, know that you are possibly adding decades onto your beautiful life.

    1. And my parents died from alcohol related issues.

  8. Aaaaah, SM@53! You really are being do this very difficult thing without a visible reward...well, does just kinda suck sometimes. Plain and simple.

    No idea if it is so, but I read a snippet just recently that it can be six months before the liver shows improvement for quitting (making me realize I need to wait a while before hurrying in to ask for that liver panel).

    Too bad any of us, when tempted, can't go back for a day or a week, just to be reminded of what REALLY sucked. The hangovers and attendant physical complaints of the next day, the guilt and recrimination (that's not 'just me,' I wonder? Cuz, man, how I LOATHED what I was doing!) But the risk of trying that -- well the evidence is allll over this sobersphere, right? Good folks who get good time under their belts, slip back....and then are unable to get 'back on the ship,' for months, or even years. I'm sure not ready to take that risk. And i hope you can resist it. (And think hard about that line from your patient hsband, that your drinking WAS escalating...)

    I have found an increasing mental peacefulness and calm since stopping. Not something I've especially worked at, it just seems to have quietly crept over me during these past months. I LIKE it!! It's not visible, like weight loss...but it makes me feel good about myself (and often, things outside myself) and is one of the things making what I'm doing 'worth it,' for me. I wish I could send you some of this lovely acceptance (in a bottle!)

  9. Maybe it's time to be a non secret quitter.
    To tell people what you are accomplishing and ask for support.

    It's great that your already good blood work stayed that way. It's hard to blame or credit 117 sober days for anything after thousands of drinking days.

    You have made a decision that is only positive. Health, wealth and mentally. Congratulate yourself. Embrace sobriety. You may be shocked to find a whole world of friends!

  10. You are doing this because somewhere in your head, maybe tucked away right now, you know this is the right thing for you. You have done do well and you have been challenged and had some unfortunate issues with you friendship BUT you have stayed the course. What you had today is relateable to dieting for a month and feeling great, looking good, feeling like you got your mojo back only to step on the scale and you haven't lost a pound. Before you stepped on the scale all was well now a bunch of numbers can ruin your day. That is what happened with your test results. Remember how you FEEL not what you expected to be the results. I hope you feel better about this soon.

  11. Dear Sobermomat53,
    I know I keep waiting for the good sleep to come!
    But, you quit for a reason.
    Keep those reasons in your mind.
    117 days is great, and it really does get better the longer you are sober.

  12. I've been thinking about this post and the feelings/frustration that you expressed, SM53, for several days now. Last night, I went and re-read something I posted in my journal, early days. From the Wake Forest Medical School website, it's a piece that details a lot about the brain chemical/alcohol connections. For me, info re dopamine was extremely helpful in understanding what was going on when one tries to quit. And it is not the same for all of us. But it confirms that it's hard, WHY it's hard. And involves a lot more than just self-control or commitment. I will post the link if you like.

    My name is Mrs Alex from Atlanta Georgia my husband was a habitual drunker and smoker, he always comes home drunk every night and always causing problem to me and my two kids he lost his job because of his drinking habit i was frustrated because i wanted to divorce him but i still love him, all i ever wanted was how to stop him from his drinking habit and smoking because i love him until i met dr ehis info on blog concerning spell for bringing back your lost love, (heart break) bringing back your wife or husband and making your husband to be responsible and stop the habit of drinking, all thanks to him if you have similar problem contact him on