June 15, 2016
A post by ASobermiracle really got me thinking! ASobermiracle is so very kind!!! Today she sent flowers, along with a compassionate note, to a woman who was arrested for a DUI fatality. In the past, she took her money she didn't spend on alcohol and purchased healthy snacks and brought them to a women and children's shelter.
Let me tell you....since I have stopped drinking, I have turned into a total bitch!! I have taken the liberty to say whatever is on my mind! For example, this weekend I was at my state's Special Olympic games. All of the athletes had special needs. All of the spectators were there to support someone with special needs...myself being one of them. Special needs parenting provides a kinship with other special needs parents. It's a community where you don't ever have to feel embarrassed for something your child does, you don't judge or receive judgement, and you support one another 100%. It's like one giant family....for me anyway! It's a very different dichotomy than it was with my typical sons. Anyhow, I digress. My daughter competes in the swimming. You go to the spectator area when it is your child's turn to swim. The mom next to me, whom I don't know, kept swinging her pony tail like it was a horse's tail! It kept whacking me in the face. At one point she saw me brush it away. She apologized, I said no problem, and then she continued to do it. When space allowed, I moved down. Guess what? So did she. So what blurted out of my mouth without any thought was "damn, I moved down so you would stop hitting me in the face with your pony tail!" She got all huffy, and changed seats with someone else. I really owed her an apology, but I am not that big a person! Plus, I was mortified that the words just flowed right out of my mouth!!
I also seem to have a bit of road rage! I am flipping off anyone who disses me on the road. I also will flash my high beams if the person in front of me is driving below the speed limit. The "F" bomb has also been used a gazillion times!
I was in the supermarket last week and the cashier had to wait for the manager to correct something on her register. The manager was speaking to an elderly woman right near us. I was in a hurry. I took it upon myself to interrupt their conversation and say that the cashier needed him and it looked like their conversation was going to go on for awhile! The elderly lady apologized to me (I felt awful) and the manager looked at me and shook his head (rightfully so!). I was embarrassed to say the least! I went back to that supermarket a few days later to apologize but couldn't find that manager!
I don't even dare write what I say to my family!!! Yikes!
I wrote a blog post at one point that suggested I had no filter when I was drinking and that I probably said and did things that were unkind. I also wrote a post regarding a book I read "The Four Agreements" in which one of the agreements is "Be impeccable with your word." I don't dare go back and read it because I probably spewed how the agreements gave me glorious revelations and I now live my life by them!! That didn't last long!! I think I'm worse than I was when I was drinking!
Was my temper always this short? Was I always so rude? I don't think I was...but I think I am now! I think that on some level I feel that I can do whatever I want because I am doing this really hard thing...sobriety! I think I should get a pass for my behaviors. Hah! wouldn't that be nice? But, you know what? I really have to think before I speak. I really have to stop saying what I am thinking! Who the hell am I to be so brazen and rude? Since I don't want you all to think that I am always mean, I am the type of person that gives a lot of compliments too! If you walk by me and I like your hairdo, I will tell you! If I like your shoes I will tell you! I smile at people all of the time! OMG! I am Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde!!!
So a big shoutout to Asobermiracle for making me think long and hard about my behaviors! You have inspired me to be a kinder person!
If you see someone on the road flipping you the bird...it's more than likely me! Sorry!
Sober at 53