Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Day 129 - I am so mean!!!

June 15, 2016
Day 129

A post by ASobermiracle really got me thinking!  ASobermiracle is so very kind!!!  Today she sent flowers, along with a compassionate note, to a woman who was arrested for a DUI fatality.  In the past, she took her money she didn't spend on alcohol and purchased healthy snacks and brought them to a women and children's shelter.

Let me tell you....since I have stopped drinking, I have turned into a total bitch!!  I have taken the liberty to say whatever is on my mind!  For example, this weekend I was at my state's Special Olympic games.  All of the athletes had special needs.  All of the spectators were there to support someone with special needs...myself being one of them.  Special needs parenting provides a kinship with other special needs parents.  It's a community where you don't ever have to feel embarrassed for something your child does, you don't judge or receive judgement, and you support one another 100%.  It's like one giant family....for me anyway! It's a very different dichotomy than it was with my typical sons.  Anyhow, I digress.  My daughter competes in the swimming.  You go to the spectator area when it is your child's turn to swim.  The mom next to me, whom I don't know, kept swinging her pony tail like it was a horse's tail!  It kept whacking me in the face.  At one point she saw me brush it away.  She apologized, I said no problem, and then she continued to do it.  When space allowed, I moved down.  Guess what?  So did she.  So what blurted out of my mouth without any thought was "damn, I moved down so you would stop hitting me in the face with your pony tail!"  She got all huffy, and changed seats with someone else.  I really owed her an apology, but I am not that big a person!  Plus, I was mortified that the words just flowed right out of my mouth!!

I also seem to have a bit of road rage!  I am flipping off anyone who disses me on the road.  I also will flash my high beams if the person in front of me is driving below the speed limit.  The "F" bomb has also been used a gazillion times!

I was in the supermarket last week and the cashier had to wait for the manager to correct something on her register.  The manager was speaking to an elderly woman right near us.  I was in a hurry.  I took it upon myself to interrupt their conversation and say that the cashier needed him and it looked like their conversation was going to go on for awhile!  The elderly lady apologized to me (I felt awful) and the manager looked at me and shook his head (rightfully so!).  I was embarrassed to say the least!  I went back to that supermarket a few days later to apologize but couldn't find that manager!

I don't even dare write what I say to my family!!!  Yikes!

I wrote a blog post at one point that suggested I had no filter when I was drinking and that I probably said and did things that were unkind.  I also wrote a post regarding a book I read "The Four Agreements" in which one of the agreements is "Be impeccable with your word."  I don't dare go back and read it because I probably spewed how the agreements gave me glorious revelations and I now live my life by them!!  That didn't last long!!  I think I'm worse than I was when I was drinking!

Was my temper always this short?  Was I always so rude?  I don't think I was...but I think I am now!  I think that on some level I feel that I can do whatever I want because I am doing this really hard thing...sobriety!  I think I should get a pass for my behaviors.  Hah!  wouldn't that be nice?  But, you know what?  I really have to think before I speak.  I really have to stop saying what I am thinking!  Who the hell am I to be so brazen and rude?  Since I don't want you all to think that I am always mean, I am the type of person that gives a lot of compliments too!  If you walk by me and I like your hairdo, I will tell you!  If I like your shoes I will tell you!  I smile at people all of the time!  OMG!  I am Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde!!!

So a big shoutout to Asobermiracle for making me think long and hard about my behaviors!  You have inspired me to be a kinder person!

If you see someone on the road flipping you the's more than likely me!  Sorry!

Sober at 53


  1. I get really irritable sometimes. I never know if it's hormonal or related to something else, but it's awful. I guess being aware of it is the important thing, so you can try and control it. But I know how frustrating it can be! Congrats on day 129! A x

  2. A couple things - A) when I moved from a big city to a much smaller community, I HAD to give up the bird-flipping (you never know.....). Hated to see it go. And miss it still.

    B) Sad but true: some people ARE ignorant and rude. They, I'm afraid, are all but begging to be made aware of it. They do NOT deserve apiologies. (Swatted w
    someone else's hair?? Major ick!)

    C) Ok, so now I am probably harping/nagging (and it's ok, you can flip me off if you want to...but I always know I'm in dangerously bad humor when I start swearing at the dog (for basically no reason). And I always stop short and realize - I havent been taking my B complex! Never fails...when I go off it, I turn into a shrew.

    I'm betting some of this anger will ease for you soon. Hope so - hang in there!

  3. When I was drinking I was normally too hungover/tired to care much. If someone was flicking me with their hair (yuck! by the way) or I was waiting forever in a queue I'd probably retreat further into myself. Now im sober, I'm definately more forthright with my opinions and on the whole its okay or justified. However, on occasion I have succumbed to some inner rage. Where I feel so pissed off about something or someone I can feel my blood boil. Afterwards however, once I calm down, I cannot understand why it bothered me so much. Sometimes I recognise it happening and I take a few breaths as I know I'm being totally irrational. I have a few theories about this. Attack of PAWS, Hormones or maybe since I drank from such an early age (15), I havent grown up yet and need to learn to have an inner voice.:). Whatever the reason, the fact that you are aware of your temper is a good think.

  4. Regarding the pony tail lady. I don't think you owe her an apology at all. She continued to do something that irritates others and behaved as if it's your issue, not hers. Incorrect! Ponytail etiquette is important! I think irritability is a big part of menopause so it may not have to do with being sober.

    1. Pony tail etiquette ha ha ha that cracks me up!!

  5. If you flip me the bird, step up a gear sister cos I will chase you down and run you off the road! Not that I get road rage at all 😉 You are still recalibrating, your body is searching for a new normal and all this is just the difference bubbles coming to the surface. You will find your peace, equilibrium and new normal sometime so for now just count to 3 and then decide do you wanna go for it or just let it ride. Good luck, I feel for you as I do and say things I later regret but I bet you also do nice things that you just aren't thinking about right now.

  6. When I first quit drinking, I was filled with rage at times. After a while I wrote about it, and wondered why no one else seemed to feel that. It turned out others did, and do, but it's a less popular thing to talk about than the lovely parts of being sober. For me, I think I had to learn to feel my emotions and then learn to modulate them, and with drinking as much as I had, I hadn't properly felt my emotions for years, and all the good and the bad was pretty darn close to the surface for a while. The good news is that the rage and even my bad temper seems to have dissipated. Of course, if the ponytail lady swatted me a few times, I don't think I'd be the soul of patience either! Anyway, sending you good wishes and a little calm once in a while xo

  7. I think it's a process. You are letting out your thoughts and responding.
    Over time you will realize what's worth being upset about, like the ponytail, and what's not.
    In the mean time cut yourself some slack and apologize to your family. Ask them to help you with this. And ensure they know you are trying!

    Keep at it!


  8. The reason you are so angry and easily irritable is because the body is still going through changes. When you give up drinking, you remember many of the good times and now feel like you are being deprived. The result, you lash out in anger to everyone because you want to go back feeling happy and high from drinking again.

    Eliseo Weinstein @ JR's Bail Bonds

  9. I don't think you're mean. It just means you've been stuffing your emotions. Before, you weren't expressing enough. Now that you're sober, the pendulum has swung the other way. Eventually, you will find just the right balance. All you have to do is keep on keeping on, one day at a time. It is so cool to read these posts, keep 'em coming!

    Kim Hunter @ KHunterLaw

  10. Hahahaha. I just found this!!! Are you still out there? I love this post. And I also suffer from road rage. ; )

  11. I too had a serious issue with rage, to the point I would yell and scream at other drivers who were not moving fast enough for me. One day a car I was tailgating almost got into an accident, and when I drove past the car riding my horn and saw it was an 80 year old grandma, I never let my rage out on the roads again.

    Stephanie Waters @ Chastaine Law