Monday, June 13, 2016

Day 127 - The hardest day ever!!!

June 13, 2016
Day 127

I've been remiss from the blogosphere because I am still trying to figure out why I am doing this sobriety thing!  I'm trying to find a new reason, but haven't found one yet.  Since I have seen no physical changes I am struggling with my motives.  I still haven't drank but I find myself constantly saying "hmmm....maybe I'll drink today."  But, I haven't done it.  I really don't know what is stopping me.  Could it be that I am a strong person?  hahaha!  But today, I might've found a reason to keep going.

In the 127 days since I've quit drinking, today was by far the most difficult day that I have had.  Something happened that greatly upset me.  So much so, that I spent the day with a terrible stomach ache.  The first thing I wanted to do was buy a pack of cigarettes.  My next thought was, how am I going to get through this without drinking?  It was 10:00 in the morning. I was never a morning or afternoon drinker.  I couldn't imagine how I would or could get through my day without a vice!  I was on the phone with a girlfriend and I told her that I wanted to smoke...she said "that's not going to help anything."  You know what?  She was right.  I transferred that sentiment over to drinking.  It was not going to help anything.  

It certainly made me realize that when the going gets tough, Sober at 53 gets drinking!  And...the day was really really tough.  I decided to let myself feel my feelings (anxiety, sadness, fear).  I talked to Mr. Soberat53 a gazillion times today to help get me through it!  I bet he didn't get a lick of work done today!  My book club had plans to go to the movies tonight to see a book we had read "Me Before You" so I knew that I could get through my night.  (Highly recommend the movie to anyone who has read the book!) I am not sure that if I didn't have plans that I wouldn't have drank.  That scares me that I didn't know.  

While this did not get rid of my stomach ache (and I still have it at 11:00 at night as I type this) I didn't smoke or drink!  I did eat popcorn with extra butter and chocolate covered pretzels when I got home!  I treated myself to an AF beer as well.  (That will surely help my stomach ache!  hahaha)

So now it's 11:00 pm.  My stomach still hurts.  But, I feel much better.  While the issues that made me super upset are still there and are not going away anytime soon, I am happy that I am dealing with my emotions. I am so glad I didn't drink.  If I did, I know it would've made everything worse!   There was no way in hell that if I were drinking that I could've started to really deal with the issues that confront me.  I needed to be clear headed.  I don't know what would've happened if I wasn't.  That is how big this issue is.  Maybe this is the reason that I need to keep me motivated on the sobriety path. Maybe how I deal with this is my "reward" for not drinking.  It is not physical, but maybe I need to change that thought process.

And one thought....I have honestly not been dealing with any cravings in awhile.  I've been lucky.  It's been 127 days.  But whoa....out of left field came this HUGE problem and all I wanted was my wine.  So don't get complacent.  You never know what's going to be thrown your way!  And, you want to be clear headed to deal with it!!

Sober at 53


  1. Glad you are back!

    I don't use the 'day at a time' motto much. But perhaps this is a place where it fits, can be helpful? You got through a very bad day. You Doubted you would, but you did (which kinda strengthens my own idea that our sub-conscious DOES hear what we want to do, and starts kicking in to help). Hopefully, the knowledge and confidence that today gave you will add just a bit of will to aid you in getting throughthe next hard day.

    Sorry for whatever the horrible terrible no good situation is..and hope you find some ease or solution.

    Meanwhile.....strength and good luck to you!

  2. I'm glad you didn't drink in the face of your tough day. We're all different, sure, but it does seem that people kind of lose the focus on getting sober some time after 100 days. I guess it gets old or something. I know when that happened to me, and I did return to drinking, it just wasn't a great idea for very long. Once alcohol has become a problem, there just aren't good reasons to go back to it, or so I found. Anyway, I'm sorry you had a rough day, and I'm sorry you're not sure why you're doing this. I hope you reconnect with your reasons soon. Nice to see you here obline again! xo

  3. This fits exactly with Sober Mummy's post yesterday about coping strategies. She said if we don't find new healthier ways to cope, we are tempted to drink when things get tough. I'm yet to find new ways to cope. Hope you are feeling better soon.

  4. So good to hear from you Sobermomat53. You are right. Alcohol is not going to help anything. If you think coping is bad now it would be a whole lot worse if you were drinking. This is a very good reason to keep you on your sobriety path. I believe that every new situation/problem/heartache we learn to deal with or overcome sober, makes us stronger and more able to cope next time. Reach out anytime but dont reach for the bottle. Im really proud of you for dealing with your extremely hard day. Big Hugs

  5. You are such a strong person! I'm in the middle of dealing with similar feelings (but with no traumatic events to set them off) so I know how you are feeling. So proud of you for making it through the day and using logic to get you there! We can do this my friend!

  6. Every time you get through a tough day, you build a little more confidence that you can do hard things.
    That inner faith is very powerful.
    Drinking won't change anything for the better. And starting again is such a difficult task. Many never find their way back to where you are. You are doing great.
    Keep going.

  7. I am proud of you that you rode that big craving all day because as I have written many times before, when I got mine on day 139 I barely gave it any thought at all and was drinking within 30 minutes. I admire anyone who has the fortitude to stick it out. Even if you haven't found your 'reason' there is a massive part of you stopping you from drinking so somewhere in your psyche there is a reason that you think is very valid. I think you are doing fantastically well and I am happy to read your post even if it was a tough day for you. I hope you feel more yourself soon.

  8. Well done for getting through your craving. I get frustrated too that I haven't had a big physical transformation. I'm at 206 days and I still haven't lost weight, and I just don't get it! But I figure, if I was drinking I would be the same size but feeling miserable which would be 10 times worse! So I am going to continue. For me, drinking is just not worth it. Keep going, you are doing great. A x

  9. Wishing you well and thank you so much for sharing candidly.<3

  10. Thank you all for your thoughts and kudos!!! I really appreciate it!!! Things are getting a bit easier...I love you blogosphere friends!!! xo