June 21, 2016
I am not quite sure what to make of this...
My usual wine drinking occurred in the evenings. My husband would go to bed and I would sit down and watch TV and drink wine (in addition to the wine I had already drank!). OR, I would talk on the phone to my drinking friend.
Last night, I watched episode 4 of the new season of "Orange is the New Black." It ended at 10:50. And, as binge watching goes, I cued up episode 5...after telling myself I really should go to bed because I had to get up early to get my daughter to school (we are still in session here until Thursday). But, as usual, like when I was drinking, I didn't listen to that voice. I started to watch episode 5. Part of the way into it, at around 11:10pm. I went in the fridge and took an AF beer and opened it. And of course drank it. This was the same kind of thing I did with wine. It didn't matter how late it was or what I had to do the next morning, if I wanted it, I'd have it.
So now I am sitting here thinking if this was a bad thing? It doesn't feel right. It reminds me exactly of what I did when I was drinking, except I replaced the alcoholic drink with a non alcoholic drink. Why an AF beer? Why didn't I have a glass of seltzer, or make a cup of tea? It didn't even cross my mind!
Is watching TV at night a trigger for me? I have watched it in the last 135 days and don't think that I have done this before. Maybe it's a one out? Maybe "Orange is the New Black" makes me want to drink? (I did drink through the past 3 seasons!) Please tell me it's not a trigger!!!
I didn't even think about wine when I grabbed that AF beer. It's just an old habit...and it weirds me out that I did it. Old habits die hard! What really scares me is that I didn't recognize my old pattern until after I had finished that AF beer...then it hit me! I haven't changed nearly as much as I thought I have.
In the end, does it really matter? Isn't the main thing that I didn't drink? (Like I said, it didn't even cross my mind to drink!) I am not sure! But, it must not be good, because I have a bad feeling in my gut about it and you always have to go with your gut!!!
Thinking I'll watch OITNB during the day!!
Sober at 53