Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Day 135 - Old Habits die hard!

June 21, 2016
Day 135

I am not quite sure what to make of this...

My usual wine drinking occurred in the evenings.  My husband would go to bed and I would sit down and watch TV and drink wine (in addition to the wine I had already drank!).  OR, I would talk on the phone to my drinking friend.

Last night, I watched episode 4 of the new season of "Orange is the New Black."  It ended at 10:50.  And, as binge watching goes, I cued up episode 5...after telling myself I really should go to bed because I had to get up early to get my daughter to school  (we are still in session here until Thursday).  But, as usual, like when I was drinking, I didn't listen to that voice.  I started to watch episode 5.  Part of the way into it, at around 11:10pm. I went in the fridge and took an AF beer and opened it.  And of course drank it.  This was the same kind of thing I did with wine.  It didn't matter how late it was or what I had to do the next morning, if I wanted it, I'd have it.

So now I am sitting here thinking if this was a bad thing?  It doesn't feel right.  It reminds me exactly of what I did when I was drinking, except I replaced the alcoholic drink with a non alcoholic drink.  Why an AF beer? Why didn't I have a glass of seltzer, or make a cup of tea?  It didn't even cross my mind!

Is watching TV at night a trigger for me?  I have watched it in the last 135 days and don't think that I have done this before.  Maybe it's a one out?  Maybe "Orange is the New Black" makes me want to drink?  (I did drink through the past 3 seasons!)  Please tell me it's not a trigger!!!

I didn't even think about wine when I grabbed that AF beer.  It's just an old habit...and it weirds me out that I did it.   Old habits die hard!  What really scares me is that I didn't recognize my old pattern until after I had finished that AF beer...then it hit me!  I haven't changed nearly as much as I thought I have.

In the end, does it really matter?  Isn't the main thing that I didn't drink?  (Like I said, it didn't even cross my mind to drink!)  I am not sure!  But, it must not be good, because I have a bad feeling in my gut about it and you always have to go with your gut!!!

Thinking I'll watch OITNB during the day!!

Sober at 53


  1. I'm no expert, but I don't see this as a problem at all. If you like binge-watching TV and drinking AF beer along with that, what's the problem? If you didn't even want wine, and that was what you drank, then you're doing fantastic! Of course, if you feel you're in danger of drinking, changing up your patterns makes sense. But don't worry too much about it, I think. And congrats on day 135! xo

  2. Firstly, well done on day 135, that is excellent. I agree with Thirsty in that it seems ok for you to pair those things together. If it worries you then just observe it and see if it develops or becomes more obsessive in which case it might turn into a trigger. I had a mini struggle the other day and had 2 AF beers but it was to stop any cravings and it worked. You are still figuring this out though and you are doing great especially since the other week you were wondering what you were doing this for at all. I think the excitement of the show and bingewatching gave you a bit of a buzz that's all.

  3. I have just wrote about AF beer today. I felt guilty buying it at the shop like someone was going to jump out and shout 'caught you' haha I felt like I was doing something wrong. Was it because I was walking up the beer aisle? I've drank AF beer a few times now and I never crave the real thing but I do feel like its cheating somehow. I don't know why and at the end of the day it is not alcohol so what's the big deal. I've decided to just go with the flow and not over analyse it. If I start wanting the real thing though I'll have to give up AF beer. I view AF beer as a treat maybe that's why you reached for it on your binge watch.

  4. I think you are being too hard on yourself. A lot of us have felt guilty and fallen into these old behaviors but with AF beer instead. And I think we feel icky about it because so many have said that we shouldn't drink AF beer. Many feel that drinking AF beer isn't appropriate when sober. So we internalize that and do things in a way that reminds us of our drinking days. I say have that AF beer and enjoy the heck out of it!

  5. I agree with everyone else.
    I don't really think it's a problem unless it makes you want to drink wine.
    Some people won't agree with this, but AF beer doesn't bother me.
    AF wine DOES bother me, however, as it is too close to the real thing.
    Way to go on day 135!!

  6. I first started watching OITNB when I was doing Ocsober (sober October)in 2014, so it reminds me of NOT drinking lol! I haven't started watching it yet but when I do, I am sure I'll be binge watching it too. I just watched season 1 of UnReal and I watched 2-3 episodes in one sitting! I can't help myself! I don't think it's anything to worry about. As long as you aren't drinking alcohol I wouldn't worry. Unless it's starting to really bother you of course. Congrats on day 135! A x

  7. 'I Haven't changed nearly as much as I thought I have,' you write.

    Hey, there! You are on Day 135! You did not pour a glas/bottle of wine to accompany your viewing!! I call THAT change. And I say - good for you!!

  8. I wouldn't worry about it. Sober first, if you want to curb staying up late watching telly next, then that can wait. If you drank AF beer it doesnt matter. It's AF and you need to do whatever works for you. No harm in that. PDTG

  9. I think it's different for each of us. My goal was to feel better and remember the things I was pairing with wine. So now I do most of the same things but with AF drinks. However, sometimes drinking led me to not want to cook or get caught up on bills and instead just talk and tune out life. That is really the habit to curb for me...wine just made it easier to forget my responsibilities.