Thursday, March 31, 2016

Day 53 -Day 53 for Sober at 53!!!!!!

March 31, 2016
Day 53

Today is kind of a milestone day for me.  It is day 53 of being alcohol free and my blog "handle" is Sober at 53!!!  Woohoo!!

So how did I celebrate?  I am on vacation in beautiful Charleston, South Carolina.  We walked around all of the shops this morning and I bought myself a new pair of shoes!  Nothing like a new pair of shoes to make you feel good (and they were a definite splurge!) They are cork platforms and they actually had my big footed size in the store!  Now this does go against rewarding myself in which I posted about yesterday!  But this was such a great reward!  It felt better than a glass of wine...it was unexpected and definitively cheered me up as I started out the morning very grumpy because I had such a hard time not drinking last night.  I was PISSED....( and very pissy). BIG TIME!  But I got another unexpected reward today!  I posted a comment on "sobermummys" blog about last night and she wrote back a comment that gave me strength at my dinner tonight!  I actually reread it in the restaurant!  Thank you Sobermummy!

And yet another reward...I received my 2nd comment on my blog!  And it was so helpful!  Thank you  Northwoman1996!  You really helped me tonight too!

And the rewards keep on coming!  This one a bit sad though.  Mr. Soberat53 and I encountered s woman in the lobby of our hotel who we had a conversation with.  She was trashed!  Mr. Soberat53 said he felt sorry for her....She's going to feel like shit tomorrow morning.  My reward in that you might ask?  That could've and has been me!  But it's not!  Not tonight! I am not going to feel like shit tomorrow morning!  I am not going to wake up at 3 am filled with self loathing!  I am not going to be downing Advils like they are candy tomorrow!  Instead, I am going to say a prayer for this woman.  And a prayer of thanks because I was strong enough  (not without a struggle) to keep away from the sauce!

Wishing you milestone days...and new shoes!

Love,
Sober at 53


Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Day 52 - Rewards

March 30, 2016
Day 52
Hello!
Today we are road tripping 8 hours to our next destination.  Our destination is a beautiful city in our country that I've never been to.  Just for the record I HATE LONG CAR DRIVES!  I really really hate them.  I have a problem with my lower back that only acts up when I sit too long!  8 hours is a loooooong time!  (On an interesting note I had my very first Cracker Barrel experience 😀 In my 53 years! I don't know how I got away with that!).

After 5.5 hours we stopped at a rest stop.  When I was getting back in the car, my first thought was "I can't wait to get there so I could have a glass of wine!"  It was like a reward for myself!  So, that's another observation of myself....I reward myself with a drink! Ok...that's not going to happen (said with great sadness) so what am I going to reward myself with instead of wine?  Do I even need/deserve a reward?  I guess I don't...but I want one!!!  I was doing fine until that thought popped in my head!  Will those thoughts ever go away?  Or do I have to change my thought process on needing a reward?

In thinking about my drinking, I realized that at the end of each day I rewarded myself  with a glass (plus the rest of the bottle!) of wine!  I lost a few pounds?  Wine reward!  Dinner cleaned up early?  Wine reward!  Paid the bills? Wine reward!  Yards yada yada!

So I guess I answered my own question?  Stop rewarding myself???  It sounds so dreadfully boring!! Maybe I just won't pay the bills or get dinner cleaned up early???  Ugh!  This one is going to be hard to change!

Hoping your rewards are not booze related!

Love,
sober at 53

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Day 51 - Part 2 of Emotions - Happiness...finally!

March 29, 2016
Day 51
Part 2
I have been really thinking about my emotions.  I really have to learn to deal with them.  I have to learn to deal with them properly (is that a thing?). I always drank to suppress the bad emotions and drank to celebrate the good emotions.  I have done this for over 10 years.  Time to start dealing!  I don't know if I remember how.

But, I received my very first comment on my blog!!!  I never thought anyone was even reading it!  So a HUGE thank you to "Unknown!"  You have no idea how happy you made me!  Oh boy...another emotion....HAPPINESS!  that's what I wanted!  That is an emotion I think I can deal with....and happily!  And, the commenters words made me feel not alone!  Again, thank you!

Hoping you find someone who makes you happy!  Thank you "Unknown!"

Love,
sober at 53

Day 51 - Angry, Angry, Angry

March 39, 2016
Day 51
Hello!
It is only 11:30 in the morning and I am in such a bad mood!  Little things are setting me off!  The blow dryer in the hotel keeps petering out...thus it's a bad hair day.  I am wearing new shorts and t-shirt that looked "decent" in the store dressing room mirror...I guess they were "skinny mirrors" as I feel like I look like a load in this damn hotel mirror.  I haven't eaten yet today except for the few peanut m&m's from my kids Easter baskets (so much for the "fat hotel mirror!).  And, it's going to rain!   I am just plain old in a worse than bad mood!  And...I can't drink (well, I can but I know if I do, My day will even get worse!). I think it's a carryover from last night too!  I want to scream!!

This is not the time when I would even be drinking.  (My wine o'clock was around 7:00 most days...trust me, it would've been earlier if Daughter #3 didn't have an activity each night!)  So, what is this angry bad mood all about?  I don't know!  Poor Mr. Soberat53.  I keep biting his head off...then apologizing...repeat, repeat, repeat!  Sigh.....

I guess I have to get through yet another awful emotion...ANGER!  when are those good emotions going to rear their heads????  Where is HAPPY?  Where is JOY?  Where is PEACE?  I want to use the happy emojis today!  Hahaha!  I want a glass of wine!!!!!  Grrrrr...!!!!!!

Wishing you all of the "good" emotions today!

Love,
A very angry Soberst53

Day 50 - Feeling the Emotion

March 28, 2016
Day 50
Hello!
Today has been 50 days since I had my last drink!  It has been the hardest day yet!  The cravings were  full throttle!  I did have an upsetting day and I am hoping that is why it was such a tough cravings day! I am on vacation with my family and extended family visiting my sick dad.  Dad  had a great day yday on Easter but today was a really really bad day for him...which of course was a bad day for me and my siblings that are here.  But, it was especially hard for me because on top of feeling so sad about my dad, I had cravings that seemed physical!  I'm sure it had to do with the emotion of "sadness" that I was feeling.  When I wasn't fighting the damn cravings I tried really hard to focus on the feeling of sadness.  I tried to let myself really "feel" it.  And I must admit, it was ugly!  I think 50 days ago I would've not let myself "feel" the emotion.  I would've reached for the bottle and drowned my sorrows.  I can't say that this stopped the cravings but it certainly is progress into feeling my emotions  and not hiding behind the bottle of wine.  

Wishing you progress in your journey to remain alcohol free!

Love,

Soberst53

Friday, March 25, 2016

Day 47 - Dividends

March 25, 2016
Day 47
Hello!
Today is the first day of vacation!
It's been a long day between getting up early and traveling by airplane to our destination.
When we finally got here to see my parents other family members had already arrived.  So excited to see them!  There was of course the obligatory trip to the liquor store.  I got myself some alcohol free beer.  It smelled and tasted like skunk!  My college aged sons saw that that was what I was drinking when everyone else was drinking regular beer.  They said that they were so proud of me and that I was so inspiring!  I, in my negativity (I was feeling badly about not having a real drink) replied that I was so sorry that it took me so long to finally stop drinking!  They said that at least I realized I had a problem and stopped.  Some people never do.  And that my friends is my DIVIDEND!  I am an inspiration to my sons and they are proud of me!!  It made me cry!  I never expected anyone to be proud of me and I certainly never thought I'd be an inspiration to anybody with quitting drinking!  Especially to my children! It makes me even more determined to forge on!

Hoping you find who is inspired by your efforts to quit drinking!

Love,
Soner at 53

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Day 46 - Therapy #2 Appt. and Packing..again!


March 24, 2016
Day 46
Hello!
Today I had my 2nd therapist appointment.  I am going away again tomorrow for a week for a family vacation to visit other family members.  I am predicting some stress on this trip as I have a very ill parent.  So there was lots to talk about!  If I don't drink next week, then I probably never will!!!  What a challenge it's going to be!

I did get a prescription for the Wellbuterin to help me with my on again off again newly taken up smoking habit.  My substitution for the wine…along with my Cadbury eggs!  (I don't think the Wellbuterin will help with that!)  I am a bit nervous to take it, but I will do it.  I am tired of needing a crutch.
  
We spoke at length about having to deal with my emotions.  In the post I wrote about my sadness at Daughter #3's sports banquet (Day 38 Post), the therapist suggested, that rather than buying Cadbury eggs and cigarettes, I could've sat in my car and had a good cry.  That would've been dealing with my feelings.  Instead, I pacified myself with things other than wine in order not to have to deal with them.  

So, this week is going to be a challenge.  I am going to have all sorts of "feelings" and I have to figure out a way to deal with them!  Damn the therapist for not giving me her personal cell phone number!  (Could you imagine if she did??  Oh boy!  She would have to change her number after next week!)

Also, and I don't mean to complain about having another vacation, but this time it's for a week and I have to pack..a lot!!!  I started on Monday and haven't been back to the suitcase since!  Yep, packing procrastination once again!  Ugh!

Hoping you find a really good way to deal with your feelings…if you do, could you please share them with me?  I need help!  Too many years of hiding behind the cabernet!!!

Love,
Soberat53

Day 44 - Old habits die hard!


March 22, 2016
Day 44
Hello!
I was doing fine tonight with not having any wine.  I was doing some stuff around the house.  Not even thinking about wine!  I walked into my kitchen and I see Mr. Soberat53's wine class of cabernet sitting on the counter.  I automatically walked over to it to pick it up to have a sip!!!  Then I remembered..I DON'T DRINK!

You see, before I went alcohol free,  whenever Mr. Soberat53 wasn't looking, I would take sips of his wine.  And yes…I had my own glass of wine!  This way, it was  more wine for me!  He never noticed…or if he did, he never said anything.  

So, I'm not safe.  Old habits die hard!  I am grateful that I remembered that I DON'T DRINK.  Trust me, I would most often choose to forget that if I could!  

This was a reel back to my non drinking reality!  I could go back to drinking sooooo easily!  Sigh...


Hoping you make a good choice today!

Love, 
Soberat53

Day 41 - changing my narrative


March 19, 2016
Day 41
Hello!
Mr. Soberat53 is away and won't be home until late tonight.  
It is just me and Daughter #3.  I am very worried about tonight.  Another night with nothing to do.  I know I want to drink…I have to get out of the house!

I take Daughter #3 and my nephew out to lunch and shopping at the mall.  It is now around 7:00 pm.  I can't go home.  There is nothing to do there.  Nobody to keep me on the straight and narrow.  (Although I am driving my own truck with not drinking!).  I am scared that it will be too hard not to drink.  I need to change my narrative.  I need to find something else to do.  

I decide to let Daughter #3 and nephew go to the movies to see Deadpool.  I have no interest in seeing it.  I am going to go home and then I will pick them up at 10:00 when the movie is over.  I can't drink because I have to drive.  (In the past, I would've headed straight home and drank and drank and made my sister pick them up!)  But, I was scared that I would be depressed and ruminating about not drinking…and that I would smoke.  So what did I do?  I went to the movie!  I sat in the back row, they in the front.  And guess what?  I really enjoyed the movie!  What a great surprise!  

So going forward I know that changing my narrative can work.  It may not always turn out as good as this did, but it may well just might!!!

Hoping you can change your narrative!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 40 - A Friday night alone


March 18, 2016
Day 40
Hello!
It's Friday night and I am home alone!  Nobody but me!  I could drink and nobody would be any the wiser.  It would just be between me and the cabernet.  You see, I do drink socially, but how much I drink is my dirty little secret.  I drink at home.  I have never been arrested, pulled over, blacked out.  Nothing has happened to me that was a game changer due to my drinking.  Or has it?  Is my liver pickled?  (i do get liver function tests every year and they are good…so far!)  Is a cancer from alcohol brewing?  Are other physical things happening within my body that I am not aware of?  I sure hope  I stopped before it was too late.  

But you know what did happen?  I think that I have hurt people.  I really do.  Because I have no filter when drinking, things just come out.  I have "righteous indignation."  I am always the "victim."  For years I've blamed relationship flaws on the other person…never me.  My righteous indignation!  I think that I have made people unnecessarily suffer because I just think I'm always right.  

Well, tonight, I am calling a good friend who I think I put in that situation.  I never really speak to her without booze in my system.  It just works out that we speak at night.  Tonight, I was a good listener.  I really enjoyed the conversation.  I wasn't filled with righteous indignation.  I was just me.  I hung up happy.  Time to fix what me and my wine broke!

So take that wine!  I didn't give into you (although I wanted to desperately!)  And I had a lovely conversation with a friend!!!

Call a friend tonight!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 39 - St. Patricks Day


March 17, 2016
Day 39
Hello!
Today is St. Patrick's Day.  Erin go bra ugh!  (Or something like that!)  
Every year we go to a St. Patrick's Day Fundraiser for my breast surgeon.
It is at a very nice place.  It's not a huge crowd.  There are a bunch of breast cancer survivors, local people I know, other doctors, and supporters of the doctors commitment to curing breast cancer.

There are baskets to win, silent auction, corned beef and cabbage and AN OPEN BAR!
This is going to be hard.  Very hard…so I think.  Mr. Soberat53 has his wine.  I have my club soda.  As I am looking around…I notice that a lot of people are not drinking alcohol.  I watched a few people in particular, thinking they looked like drinkers (not too judgmental of me, huh?)  You know what?  Those so called "drinkers" that I essentially stalked, sipped at their drinks.  Nobody got another one.  That was a "wow" moment for me.  I wonder if in years past people noticed how much I drank at the function.  I feel embarrassed about it.  They will probably get a reduced price for the function next year because of all of the alcohol that I DID NOT drink!  

And, I drove home!  I asked Mrs. Soberat53 on the way home if he still misses his drinking buddy.  This time his reply was a bit different.  He said that he did because knowing that I was imbibing made him have to keep his drinking in check to make sure he could drive home.  That's gone by the wayside for him!  It's funny how we can look at it from different perspectives and get different outcomes.  Very interesting!

Love,
Sober at 53

Day 38 - Emotions Got me


March 16, 2016
Day 38
Hello!
Daughter #3 has special needs.  She participates on a High School team.  She made the team fair and square!  Tonight was the end of the season banquet.  Daughter #3 is 17 years old.  This is her first year on the team.  The seniors spoke about each girl on the team.  It was so nice what they said about my daughter.  She even cried happy tears.  She was so happy.  

But guess who wasn't?  Yep, me!  I was so sad.  When I heard them talk about the accomplishments of all of the other team members, while happy for them, I was sad for me.  My daughter, although making stellar accomplishments of her own, would never achieve the greatness in the sport like her fellow team mates.  She will never earn points for her team.  She will never earn a Varsity letter.  It made me vastly see the difference between her and her typical peers.  Sigh...

She had a fantastic year on the team.  Some bumps in the beginning, but because of a great coach, we were able to work it all out.  Mind you, she is HAPPY.  It's me who is sad.  So guess what I did?  I bet you can!!!!  Yep, I bought Cadbury Chocolate eggs and cigarettes!  My heart was hurting.  And I just wanted to come home and drown my sorrows in a bottle of cabernet.  But I can't.  So I once again substituted!  Again, I feel like a fraud!  When the going gets rough Sober at 53 gets to the store and buys cigarettes!  Makes sense, right?  WTF????  Beat myself up a little more today!

7 more days to my next therapy appointment!  Smoking will be first on my list!
I have to find other ways to vent my emotions…Wine did it for me for years…helped me not to deal.  I guess at 53 it's time to grow up!

Hoping you find other ways to vent today!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 36 - The Therapist

March 14, 2016
Day 36
Hello!
Well, today is my first visit to the therapist.  Mind you, I had gone a few years back when I was having issues with my mother.  I hadn't been in 1.5 years.  So at least I didn't have to start from scratch.  I imagine she read her notes on me as a very boring refresher for herself.  I am excited to go as this therapist is GREAT!  I got lucky in finding her!  As I'm driving there I think of all of the things I need to work on:
  1. Not drinking
  2. Not smoking
  3. Not being a crazy lunatic mother sick with worry 
  4. Not being boring
  5. Not liking myself
I don't think this can all be sorted out in one appointment.  I am doing okay with the not drinking.  In fact, when I pull into the parking lot I had to figure out how many days I have been alcohol free.  It's a good thing to forget!  So, I pick the "not smoking" and "not being a crazy lunatic mother."  

What the therapist suggested was that I use the same strategies that I am using for not drinking for not smoking.  She recommended that I get a key chain with a set of lungs on them (remember I have my "anchor"…my keychain with the weight for my drinking)  But I decide that employing all of those strategies would spread my willpower too thin.  I don't usually smoke, but have found myself on occasions doing so.  So, we talk about wellbuterin to stop the urges.  We will talk about it again next week (yes, I am weekly……a lot to work on!).  

Next, we talk about my crazy mind the night Son #2 went out for his b'day.  The therapist gave me this GREAT mantra to use when I get crazy over my kids:

Explain to them ONCE what you feel and then repeat to yourself:

I can't predict what will happen
i can't control or prevent what will happen
But whatever happens, I will do my best to deal with it!

This made perfect sense to me!  I felt such relief.  I just might be able to knock #3 off my list!  

Here's to figuring out your "working on" list!
Love,
Sober at 53


Day 37 - Crazy mom put to the test!


March 15, 2016
Day 37
Hello!
Well, I am put to the test!  
Son #1 was not feeling well.  He goes to college far away.  I told him I would call him back around 9pm.  So I call…15 times  (remember…I'm still working on being a crazy lunatic mother…it will take time!)  I text him a gazillion times.  He is home alone as it is Spring Break and his two housemates are away!  I feel like a fool, but I texted his girlfriend, who lives in a different state than Son #1.  She was the voice of calm..she said that they were texting and then he just stopped.  She assumed he fell asleep because he wasn't feeling well.  I assumed he was dead.  How can she not be concerned like I am?  She loves him too!  In hindsight, I guess it's because she's not a crazy lunatic like me!  She is rational!  I want a drink…badly!!!  I try to wake up Mr. Soberat53 but he is in the sleep daze and keeps falling back to sleep while I was explaining my irrational fear.  So, again, ZERO help!

So, there was nothing I could do.  He was either asleep or dead.  I wasn't going to find out tonight!  t rolled the mantra over and over in my mind and was able to fall asleep.

I can't predict what will happen
i can't control or prevent what will happen
But whatever happens, I will do my best to deal with it!  REPEAT..a Gazillion times!

I eventually fell asleep.  And guess what?  That is what Son #1 did too.  He's alive and kicking.  As I even write this I see the pendulum swing from his rational girlfriends common sense to his crazy lunatic mothers irrational fears!

So, therapy is working!  I used the mantra.  While I did have a little "crazy town" in there (calling Son#1 15 times and texting the girlfriend and waking up Mr. Soberat53) I made it through…and I didn't drink.

Stress makes me want to drink.  I guess I want to drown out my feelings because they are so powerful.  Instead, I have to learn other tools to calm my self down.  The mantra is a good tool for me.

Hoping you find the tools that you need to get through the day!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 35 - I am BORING!


March 12, 2016
Day 35
Hello!
It's now morning.  I go to the gym to try and ease my worry.  No way Son #2 would be up this early!  I get home from the gym at 10:15 and Mr. Soberat53 has great news for me.  Son #2 has lived another day (yes, I still want to stab him!)

Well, my stress about going out tonight and leaving my birthday boy is alleviated because he is dog tired and just wants to veg.  (God only knows what he did last night!)  We take him out to lunch and I baked a cake.  It was all good! He had a very happy birthday1

Mr. Soberat53 and I go to our function.  We get there about half an hour after it started.  I so wanted a drink.  Mr. Soberat53 got a glass of red wine and told me it tasted horrendous…whether it really did or not, I do not know….but I was grateful for that tidbit of info….although he still drank quite a few of them!  Hmmmm….hindsight is 20/20…I guess it was decent wine!  I asked the bartender for an alcohol free beer.  He ended up finding me one.  I felt like I had a drink…although I'm not a beer drinker.  I drank about half of it.  But…I felt like I was really boring.  I didn't bring anything to the table.  I couldn't seem to make good conversation, something I usually find easy….but then again, I always have alcohol in my system.  I felt like a dud.  I don't know if it's from not drinking or that I was just in a slump.  Maybe I am truly boring!  It certainly wasn't the company.  Yet another thing for me to work on!!!
All I can say is that I have so much to work on….and it's only Day 35!  I think the therapist might charge me double!  I am a therapists dream come true!  There is no end to the work I need to do! I am not really looking forward to this….sigh…


Edited to say:  I had Mr. Soberat53 read my blog.  When he got to this post he said that he didn't think that I was being boring…but that I was bored!  God Bless him!!!  Maybe I'm not boring!  While I don't think I was bored at the function, it was a mellow groove…so I've learned that I am so wrapped up in myself and can't see beyond that…the situation you are in does have a life of its own outside of yourself!

Hope you analyze BOTH the situation and yourself before being hard on yourself!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 34 - Stressing out like a mad woman!!!!

March 11, 2016
Day 34
Hello!
I am a total stress case lunatic when it comes to my kids!!!!  Tomorrow is Son #2 20th b'day.  He goes to community college so he lives at home…for now.  He went away for a year and decided to come home for his sophomore year.  He is transferring in September and is just waiting to hear where.  I tell you this because Son #2 HAS lived away..far away…at college for a year.  He has that "college experience."

OK, so luckily for him, his high school friends are all home on Spring Break this week.  (How lucky for Son #2)  They are going up to one of the friends frat houses at a University in our state to celebrate Son #2's b'day.  He will be staying the night.  So, Mr. Soberat53 and I commit to going to a fundraiser that is for a charity that is close to a very dear friends heart.  It works out perfectly!!!  NOT!

2 days ago Son #2 tells me plans have changed.  His b'day celebration has been changed to tonight at his friends frat house!  He will be home on his b'day!  Oh crap…we've made a commitment.  Son #2 is fine with us going out.  But guess who's not?  ME!!!!  I feel like a horrible mother…I want a drink..NOW!  But, I don't have one..and it's not easy!

So now we are to the night of the celebration.  He is gone.  I am so damn worried that he is going to drink himself silly.  After all, he has been home for almost a year!  He hasn't gotten a change to do much partying (well, if you count watching me drink every night then he "officially" is at a party!)  I am so worried that he is going to die from alcohol poisoning, get in a car with someone because you now these teens…they are invincible!  what if he chokes on his vomit during his sleep?  OMG…I am like a bat out of hell crazy woman!!!!  I try to talk to Mr. Soberat53 and he keeps telling me he will be fine!  (This same Mr. Soberat53 whom I love with all my heart and soul, also told me that he thought that I would be "fine" when I was having a breast biopsy..so he is not God to me anymore..but don't tell him!)  I am IMPOSSIBLE to reason with.  I am 100% certain that my son is going to die.  I WANT A DRINK!  PLEASE!!!  I CAN'T HANDLE HOW I'M FEELING…NEITHER CAN ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!!!!   It's now midnight..should I go jogging?  I feel like I'm coming out of my skin…anxiety is a beast!  (Thank goodness for that therapy appointment on Monday!).

I decide to practice deep breathing.  There is nothing for me to do.  I wish I had cigarettes!  I get ready for bed and of course text Son #2 to make sure he is alive before I try to sleep.  And thankfully he is!  So I lie down and want to stab Mr. Soberat53 because he just nods right off to dreamland.  No worrying for him!  And, no comfort for me from him!  (Granted, I am a beast tonight..going to sleep was probably the best thing he could do so I didn't stab him!)  I take many deep breaths and guess what?

So now I know yet another reason why I drank.  Drinking is the ultimate smokescreen, isn't it?

Wishing you an anxiety free day, and if it's not, I implore you stay away from any knives!

Love,
Sober at 53

Day 30 - And still no weight loss! Ugh!

March 7, 2016
Day 30
Hello!
Well, today is an entire month that I haven't had a drop of alcohol!  What an accomplishment for me.  It feels good.  But, I have not lost a pound yet!!!  So, today, I am joining Weight Watchers. It's time!

 Since I am an  "all or nothing" person (hello wine!) I need portion control.  The first two weeks of being alcohol free I let myself eat whatever I wanted.  I was just trying to deal with my will power.  It was fun not caring about what I ate.  Cadbury eggs are my absolute favorite and I was devouring them (no wonder why I couldn't lose weight!)  But seriously, I was taking in an extra 6500 calories a week in wine (see post Day 15 - weight loss and wine).  I wasn't consuming 6500 calories in Cadbury eggs!!!  I have continued my same exercise.  But the scale doesn't budge.  WTF?  It makes me want a drink!  My non drinking started because of weight loss.  Of course now, I realize that it's way more than that.  Weight was my catalyst, my anchor.  Mummywasasecretdrinker blogger writes extensively about alcohol and weight loss.  She did not see a big change until around day 100 of her alcohol free journey.  I'm scared that I won't see it at all!  So I keep googling "quitting alcohol and weight loss."  There is so much contradictory information out there!  Some people lose fast, some lose slow, some (gulp) GAIN weight!  So, I guess it is an individualized process…but secretly, I can't help wonder how giving up 6500 calories a week doesn't result in weight loss?  Maybe my body has to go thru some sort of adjustment period?  It better damn well hurry up!!!  I am pissed!!!!

So off I go, alcohol free, smoke free and maybe fat free too!

Love,
Sober at 53

P.S. - I did make a therapist appointment for next Monday!


Day 29 - Smoke free


March 6, 2016
Day 29
Hello!
Just a short post to let you know that I once again, threw away the cigarettes.  Today is a new day!  I've got this!  No substitution…Hopefully! (hmmm…I don't sound very committed, do I?)

Today we fly home…wah!!!  So, its a busy day traveling.  Once again, I have the airport and the airplane to deal with…But I got this!  I survived my first vacation alcohol free.  (still feeling totally shameful as I substituted with cigarettes and feeling like a fraud).

You know, as I think about the smoking…it reminds me of the wine.  If you read my post on self loathing then you understand how wine made me hate myself.  Cigarettes are doing the same thing.  Maybe I need to hate myself?  Maybe I don't really like myself?  I thought I did.  Others seem to like me.  But maybe it's not real.  Maybe it was all under the cloak of wine.  Wine does tricks to your mind. How many times have we said something because we have no filter when drunk?  How many times have we drunk phone called, texted, emailed?  I know I have.  And, in all of the times that I did, whilst doing it, I thought I was justified.  I felt confident.  I felt brave.  It was all a smokescreen.  So maybe me  liking myself is a smokescreen?  It's only been 29 days since I've quit the wine.  I am still in the "honeymoon" stage….proud of myself, confident (well, mostly).  Maybe I drank because I don't like myself.  Oh man…..this not drinking thing is going to be sooooo hard.  Nevermind that I have to engage will power to stay away from the wine, but I am going to have to figure "ME" out!  What if I'm not as good as I think?  What if I'm a horrible person who thought they were good because they always had wine in their system?  Oh good God!  I think I better call a therapist…STAT!!!

Hoping you really like yourself today!

Love,
Sober at 53

Day 28 - Mr. Soberat53


March 5, 2016
Day 28
Hello!
Yes! Yes! Yes!  I threw the cigarettes away!  They are not hanging over my head now..whew!  Today, Mr. Soberat53 and I have the day to ourselves.  The kids are all off together.  It is overcast out, so we decide to walk all around the town.  There is a lot to see.  It starts off lovely.  A beautiful walk on the water.  Great conversation.  Love is in the air!!!!

We decide to venture outside our little island we are staying on and walk over the bridge with many other pedestrians.  It was so nice!  We get to the other side of the bridge, and there, along the water are many BEAUTIFUL outdoor bars…Just my kind of thing!  The old me would've dragged Mr. Soberat53 right into one and there we would've planted ourselves and merrily partied on!  But, I don't drink.  So we didn't do that.  Both Mr. Soberat53 and I were both sad.  We always seem to have great conversations while we are sharing a bottle of wine.  I asked Mr. Soberat53 if he missed his drinking partner…fully expecting him to say "No!  You go girl…I am so proud of you for recognized you had a problem and doing something about it!"  Instead, I got "Yes!  I miss you not drinking…but I am so proud of you!"  Well, I had to ask!  I felt so badly that I was taking away something he enjoyed…safely, as opposed to me!  I even offered to sit there while he had a few drinks, but Mr. Soberat53 is the kindest man in the world and he would never put me through that.  But, as we continued to explore, I was sad in my heart all whilst struggling with not drinking as everywhere we went was geared towards booze!  

So, what did I do?
Yep, I bought another pack of smokes.  What I am saving in wine I am making up in smokes!  All I have to say is "Fuck me!"

I guess I drink/smoke to make myself feel better due to my emotions?  Although drinking certainly was used as celebratory too!

Wishing you an alcohol and smoke free day as you deal with your emotions.
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 27 - Damn me!!!!


March 4, 2016
Day 27
Hello!!!
Remember y'day I said that this was going to be hard????    OMG!!  I didn't know I could feel so damn sorry for myself.  I actually had a pity party!  I had to snap out of it.  The blogger I told you that helped me so much "mummyisasecretdrinker" has books that she recommends.  One is "Kick the Drink…Easily" by Jason Vale.  So I download it to my kindle and read, read, read!  Reading about not drinking is actually a really great concept (thank you sobermummy).  The book is helping me not to drink.  I will tell you about the book when I am finished.  

But, before I go on, I need to make a confession.  No, I did not drink.  But I was so wound up and feeling sorry for myself that I did something really bad.  Worse than drinking.  I bought a pack of cigarettes.  No haters please.  I am well aware of the dangers of smoking…and this from a person whose body has ALREADY made cancer once before.  But of course, I don't think of that then.  I smoke a few and feel much better.  I actually even smoked one this morning?  Why?? I never drank in the morning!  It was just like wine..I can't have just one.  My OCD like personality kicked in. 

Now, I must tell you, I feel like a total alcohol free fraud!  I substituted wine for cigarettes.  So, what that is telling me (and I got this from the above book I'm reading) is that I'm not really "free" from the vice grip of wine as I am rewarding myself for not drinking with another bad habit.   Don't worry, I will throw the smokes away soon.  I can't go back…I just can't.  But I am so ashamed of myself.  

I really think that I need to have a little "bad" in my life…thus the drinking and now some smoking.  Maybe I just want to be a bad girl?  I don't know.  I have a lot to work on.  

Please, don't substitute like I did.  Trust me, you will feel so awful about yourself.  It's not worth it.  I thought that with each drag of the cigarette, but it had me….because I let it.

Wishing you the strength that I so wish I had!
In shame,
Sober at 53

Day 26 - The Trip

March 3, 2016
Day 26
Hello!
So, we are at the airport.  Our flight is at 12:00.  We have been here for awhile.  Usually, being in an airport makes me want to drink!  I am going on vacation..a drink is in order!  But, I can't.  I am okay with that…for now.  We board the plane.  We walk thru first class and the drinks are flowing.  Our seats are right behind first class and I can see the flight attendants pouring wine!  I am still okay.  We take off.  The drink cart is making it's way down the aisle.  So many people are drinking!!!  Now, I am not fine!  I want a drink!  It's my mini vacation!  How am I going to do this???  Thankfully, the people on either side of me are not drinking.  That helps!  I order a tomato juice.  It tastes good.  Kind of like a blood Mary, right?  I decide to watch a movie so I can't hear everyone ordering more drinks!  Heck, that used to be me!  It kind of feels good not drinking.  I won't be dehydrated!  I make it thru the flight alcohol free!  Go me!

We are staying at a "swanky" hotel (we got a really great internet rate!)  When we arrive, it is so "Shi Shi!"  And guess what….when you walk in?  Yep,  straight on is a bar!  The place exudes sexiness.  Many people dressed to the nines at 3:30 in the afternoon.  It makes me want to get out of my flying clothes (really comfy mom jeans) and into one of the MANY outfits I packed (see, great that I overpacked..I might be able to fit in?  Although, I don't have sexy clothes so I think not!)  and belly up to the bar and order an exotic drink with a real edible flower in it!  But, that is not me…anymore.  I stick with the crappy unsweetened alcohol free pomegranate juice given to us at check in.

 We were graciously upgraded to a suite.  FANTASTIC!    Mine and Mr. Soberat53 have a private balcony off our bedroom with an amazing view.  The room is spectacular.  Everyone wants to go to the pool and eat lunch…so off we go.  The cocktail menu (will I ever stop reading them?) is lovely.  I ordered a non-alcoholic bloody mary because Daughter #3 ordered another fancy non alcoholic drink that I could taste (if she lets me!)  Mr. Soberat53 ordered a mojito.  I actually smelled it and boy did it smell good! Sigh…(I am only a red wine girl, but now that I'm alcohol free I think ANY beverage with alcohol would be fantastic!)  I get thru the lunch, albeit a bit grumpy, as I'm feeling sorry for myself.  This is going to be hard!!!

Wishing you a great day!
Love,
Sober at 53


Day 25 - Packing for the trip


March 2, 2016
Day 25
Today is the stressful day packing for our 4 day trip to Florida.  I HATE packing.  I tend to overpack as I like to have options while I'm away.  What if I don't bring enough clothes and the outfit that I have pre picked feels all wrong?  What if I feel fat in it?  God forbid!  So, I am a packing procrastinator.  I start with some wine, then have some more.  By the time I get around to starting, I'm well oiled with wine!  I just want to go to bed…because inevitably our flight is in the early morning so we have the whole day on the trip!  But, I need to pack for me and for Daughter #3.  And the others who pack themselves always need something washed or can't find something that I am the only one that apparently knows where it is hidden!!! (oh, just look in your top drawer…I did mom….mom opens top drawer and guess what's there?  Yep, what I told you you would find there….repeat this a gazillion times!)  So, packing makes me weary…especially when snookered!

But guess what?  I am not drinking!  Packing will be a breeze.  I will get to bed early!  

That sounded good right?  But even not drinking, I am still a packing procrastinator!  People still couldn't find stuff that cost me packing time.  I still overpacked.  And I did not get to bed early!  BUT,  I DIDN'T DRINK!!!!!  So, I should wake up better tomorrow morning and leave for my trip bright eyed and bushy tailed!  Here's hoping!!!

Love,
Sober at 53

Day 24 - I don't drink!

March 1, 2016
Day 24
Hello!

I am getting reading to go away to sunny Florida next weekend.  Me thinks I need a bikini wax!  It is not something I do regularly because it hurts like a mother f'er!  But, I rationalized, that maybe it always hurt because my body was always in a hungover state the previous times I went.  But, now i'm alcohol free for 24 days!  I can do this!!  I make an appointment at a swanky spa and I am even getting a massage afterwards to relax me from the stress of the painful bikini wax that I will have endured!  (for me massage is like wine…I can always find an excuse to have one!)

Well, I grit my teeth and make it thru the bikini wax (no, not a Brazilian :))  I realize that I need a lip wax, which I get regularly at the nail salon.  But, hey, I'm here, and I can save myself a trip.  I ask the technician if she had time to do one and she said yes.  BUT, she said, your face is very red (oops…from too much drinking?  I look like a drunk?  I know I have rosacea and I always thought that is why my face was red…(another thing I talk myself into?))  So, I tell her that I have rosacea, but I feel I look like a drunk, WC Fields look alike??  hahaha  I then say to her,,'I DON'T DRINK" so it really is rosacea.  That was the VERY FIRST TIME I ever said it.  Trust me, it did not roll off my tongue easily.  I felt like an impostor.  It was almost a surreal experience in which I was outside of my body looking down at myself.  It felt very uncomfortable.  I really needed that massage..or a drink!  I opted for the massage.

The rest of the day I kept mulling over my statement..I DON'T DRINK.  And I realized…I DON'T DRINK!  It took all day, but now I feel empowered.  The words were probably meaningless to the woman that was my torturer (waxing technician) but to me they were probably the most meaningful words I have said in a very long time.

Wishing you meaning in your day!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 23 - Breast Cancer and wine


Sunday, February 29, 2016
Day 23
I know I said I would write about this the other day…but I am doing it now instead!  In 2004 I was diagnosed with breast cancer….in both breasts.  Stage I for both.  I did 2 surgeries, 8 rounds of chemo and 30 days of radiation.  Because of some past health issues, I had the kind of chemo where you don't lose all of your hair…My hair thinned out so much you could see my scalp in some places.  I looked like a train wreck!  Plus, you couldn't wash it a lot…GROSS!  I digress….My chemo was every 2 weeks.  I never felt nauseous but I was completely, 100% exhausted.  I had 3 little kids.  It was not easy.  So, the first week after chemo I wouldn't drink…but by the 2nd week, I would feel much better and I did drink…not a lot, but I certainly held my own with the wine!  I confessed this all to my oncologist and remember, that was 11 years ago.  There wasn't yet the connection between alcohol and breast cancer.  She told me just not to gain a lot of weight, as weight holds or produces more estrogen (I can't remember which) and my cancer was estrogen positive.  Hello!  I just got a ticket to continue drinking!  Woohoo!  Breast Cancer wasn't going to rob me of my red wine!!!  Yeah!

Well, fast forward a few years and all of the studies point to a big link between alcohol and breast cancer.  The limit for women in the USA is seven 5 ounce glasses of wine PER WEEK!  Heck, I could take care of that in one day sometimes!!!  What was I going to do?  I know…I am taking medication (tamoxifen) daily for 5 years to keep the breast cancer away.  That must protect me from the effects of alcohol, right?  Can you even believe that I bought my silly story????  What an idiot I was!!!  Well, after 5 years on the drug, I got a 2 year drug holiday, but the medicine is supposed to continue for another 2 years in your body…so I was technically safe, right?  Then I started another drug which I have been on for 3 years now.  Still safe, right?  

Oh how we can trick our minds into believing ANYTHING in order to get our wine fix!  I am so embarrassed to even share this.  I am educated!  I help people who have breast cancer!  But, I was not helping myself…except to another glass of wine!!!

I hope I didn't screw it all up for myself.  Time will tell.  It's scary.  No wake up call for me..until now!  It's never too late, right?

Wishing you the wake up call you need!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 21 - Out with the girls

Day 21
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Hello!

Today I am going out with a whole group of women, some whom I don't know.  We are meeting an hour away for a fun activity.  Like I said y'day, I even offered to drive in case there was any alcohol involved so I would be less tempted to imbibe.

After our fun activity, we all went to a great little town and walked around.  There were many bars.  The old me would've been itching to go to one and I would've found somebody in the group to go with me.  Instead, I walked around with all of the girls, looked at the sights, got hot chocolate and really really enjoyed my day.  I felt light and uplifted.  And proud of myself.  I was able to enjoy myself immensely without having to drink!  Go me!

But, then I got home.  I was bored!  Mr. Soberat53 had to take care of Daughter #3 all day and he just wanted to relax.  Of course he had his few glasses of red wine.  Why can he control his and I can't???  Wah!  I got thru the night by remembering what a great day I had!

Wishing you a great alcohol free day!

Love,
Sober at 53

Day 20 - Another Friday night

February 26, 2016
Day 20
Hello!
It's another Friday night!  Oh how I looked forward to that first Friday glass of wine (and the many that came afterwards!)  I came straight home from Daughter #3's evening activity.  I have big plans for Saturday.  I day out with a bunch of women doing a fun activity.  I even offered to drive the hour away.  That way, if there was any drinking involved I would be less tempted to do so.

I was still grouchy.  I found that reading about other people struggling with alcohol addiction was helping me to stay grounded.  It also made me feel not so alone!  I finished reading that great blog I ha mentioned "mummyisasecretdrinker."  I keep going back to her beginning and that is really helping me.    Oh how I wish I didn't have to do this!  Why oh why?  How in the world did I get here?  Where did I cross the line from a casual drinker to a heavy drinker?  So not fair!  I am an educated, bright woman.  Where did I go wrong?  I guess there is no looking back, only going forward!  So onward I go…alcohol free…and struggling!

Wishing you a wonderful Friday evening!

Love,
Sober at 53

Day 19 - Figuring out Thursday night


Day 19

February 25, 2016
Hello!
Today is Thursday.  For me, that's when my weekend started.  No reason why!  Just another day to drink!  Oddly, Thursday's and Monday's seemed to be my HUGE party days!  I miss them!  So, I remembered that I had at one point written a journal about my drinking.  I dug it out and the first post is from May 24, 2005!!  That is almost  ELEVEN years ago!!!  OMG!!!  This is what it said:

I have made a conscious decision to stop drinking.  How can I keep putting booze in my body?  I buy organic meats and milk products, try to eat right, I exercise…and then drink too much red wine.  My liver needs a break, plus I feel so guilty doing it (I will explain why tomorrow!)  I need to stop drinking I KNOW I CAN DO IT!!!

The next post is from May 26, 2005  (in ineligible handwriting!)

Well, I messed up!  I went to a skin care party and I had too much red wine.  3 glasses to be exact!  Then I came home and had 2 more!  What the hell?  I feel terribly guilty.  Geez, look at my handwriting…too much wine!  HELLO!  I HAVE GOT TO STOP!  Am I a DRUNK?  Very possibly!!!!  This sucks!  I hate that I like wine!  Oh well, tomorrow is another day.  I will get back on that "non-drinking" horse!

The next post is from May 27, 2005 (in perfectly legible handwriting)

Well, It's the morning after.  Look at my handwriting now!  Boy, did I ever fall off the wagon!  I guess what it boils down to is that I can't even have 1 glass of wine….that starts the whole thing for me.  Well, here's to today..a new beginning!!!

The next post….yep…fast forward almost 11 years……sigh…

Wishing you more willpower than I had 11 years ago!
Love,
Sober at 53







Day 16 - Quitting Alcohol and Sleep


Day 16
February 23, 2016
Hello!
I have always slept like a baby.  I fall asleep easily and stay asleep until I have to get up in the middle of the night and use the facilities…then the self-loathing begins!  (see post from Day 2).  I figured that my red wine induced sleep wasn't "real sleep."  And don't the experts now say that you need 7 hours of sleep a night to lose weight?

Now, I cannot fall asleep!  I cannot even believe it!  Maybe I am an insomniac and the wine hid that fact?  I went for 4 nights in a row with barely any sleep.  You know those times where you cry because you can't fall asleep?  The times when you are almost there and then boom..you are suddenly wide awake for no specific reason.  4 nights of this people!!!  Remember I said I was crabby?  Now I am crabby tenfold!!!  Last night I slept, but I think from sheer exhaustion!  I am almost afraid to go to sleep!

In her blog, sobermummy, sleeps like a rock!  7  hours of rock hard sleep!!  I am jealous!  I almost resorted to taking an ADVIL PM, but I had never taken one before and I was nervous.  (but it's okay for me to take naltrexone to quit drinking????Where is my rationale?  (see post from Day 5)

Hopefully, tonight will be a great sleep night!

Wishing you sweet dreams!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 15 - Weight Loss & Alcohol

February 22, 2016
Day 15
Hello!
I have been alcohol free for TWO FULL WEEKS!!  Go me!  I am so happy!  I haven't gone this long in 10 years! But why is the weight not falling off????  The scale hasn't budged.  If I'm being honest, I am way less puffy around my wine belly.  Even my face looks less puffy…so much so, that I can see the bags under my eyes (tomorrows post will be about sleep…or lack of in my case!)  I always asked my friend who is a nurse if the whites of my eyes looked yellowish.  She said..no, they look bloodshot!  (ugh!).  I was worried that my liver was drowning in wine and that it would turn the whites of my eyes yellow and that would be an imminent sign of either pancreatic issues or cirrhosis of the liver!!!  I digress, what about that weight loss that is supposed to be happening?  I thought the weight would be falling off me!

The way I figured it, is that I drank a bottle of wine per night..There are approximately 625 calories in a bottle of red wine.  (I think white wine is pretty much the same)  So, if I drank 7 bottles a week that would be an extra 4,375 calories in addition to my daily food intake.  BUT, if you remember, I drank MORE than 7 bottles of wine per week! Monday thru Friday was 1 bottle and a glass.  A glass of red is 125 calories for 5 oz.  My pours were bigger than 5 oz.  I'd say they were 7 oz.  So, if I add in those calories that is another 175 calories per day.  (for the 5 days 875 calories extra).  Then on the weekends I would be good for about 2 bottles for Saturday and Sunday…that's another 1250 calories.  I WAS CONSUMING APPROXIMATELY 6500 CALORIES PER WEEK IN RED WINE!  Again, that is on top of my daily food intake!!!  Oh my gosh!!  A woman in her 50's needs 1800-2200 calories per day, dependent upon activity level.  It is said that if you burn off 3500 more calories than you consume you will lose a pound.  I should be losing almost 2 lbs per week!  WTF????

In thinking about the last two weeks, I let myself eat whatever I wanted.  I guess I made up my wine calories in chocolate!  That's better than drinking, right?  I think so!  But, I am mad!!!  Mad enough that I joined Weight Watchers today.  I need the portion control. You see, I am an "all or nothing" kinda girl.  I just can't have one glass of wine, I need the whole bottle!  One m&m?  Is that even possible???? While I won't take a whole piece of cake, I will cut small slivers….then lo and behold half of it is gone!  Weight Watchers always worked for me.  I lost weight.  But, I would have most of my points in wine!  They just changed the point system to Smart Points.  A bottle of wine is 23 points! I get 30 points per day and then 35 extra points for the week.  If I continued drinking the way I was, that translates into 233 points per week.  I get 245 points in the week…and you can't borrow and steal day to day with the exception of the extra 35 points.  That would leave me 12 points to eat for the week.  No way I could do that. But now, I don't drink and I can do this!!!!

I joined.  My weight is 181.6.  Yep…20 lbs of wine!!!  Ugh!  I am so disgusted with myself!!!  But now I take action!  Eventually it will come off…right???  I have taken to the internet once again and googled "quitting alcohol and weight loss."  (Yes, Julian Kirkman-Page's weight loss inspired me, but he's a dude!  I needed a chic perspective…and fast!)  It led me to what has saved me….a blog called "mummywasecretdrinker."  The author, Sobermummy, is just like me!  A mom of 3, granted she's a few years younger, but was a drinker like I was.  She quit in March of 2015 and is almost a year sober! She chronicles her thoughts, her struggles, her joy, her fear with humor and grace.  I highly recommend it!  My blog can't even come close to hers.  I am not trying to. I am so grateful for hers.  It gets me thru some of the rougher times.  I HIGHLY recommend it.  Don't feel like you have to come back to me….the goal is to quit drinking, right?  Whatever it takes (it's already taken so much, hasn't it?..sigh)  She lost weight, but it took her to around day 100 of being alcohol free to really notice a difference.  That makes me feel better!!!

Wishing you some weight loss as you quit the booze!

Love,
Sober at 53

Day 14 - Oh, you can drink!

February 21, 2016
Day 14
Hello!
Tonight we met one of my sisters for dinner. We meet her on Sundays about once per month.  We go to a restaurant by her house.  My criteria had always been that the restaurant needed to have a bar.  She decides where we go and lets us know.  So, she sends me a text and she asks me what food I'm in the mood for.  I say I don't care and I can go anywhere..I gave up booze or Lent. Her response:  "But it's Sunday, you can drink today!"

I guess that is actually true as per Wikipedia:

 Lent is a season of forty days, not counting Sundays, which begins on Ash Wednesday and ends on Holy Saturday. Sundays in Lent are not counted in the forty days because each Sunday represents a "mini-Easter" and the reverent spirit of Lent is tempered with joyful anticipation of the Resurrection.

Did I mention that this sister was an alcohol addict and has been alcohol free for almost 5 years!!!!!  I couldn't believe she said that to me!  I wasn't prepared to tell her I was trying to go forever (because I really don't know if I can!).  A former alcohol addict had my number!  And if the truth be told, in the past, I would've been all over the "Sunday is not Lent" thing and drank my red wine!!!

By the way, at dinner I drank seltzer water and my sister never brought up the drink again!

Stay Strong!
Love,
Sober at 53



Day 13 - A realization


Friday 20, 2016
Day 13
Hello!
So, today, I wake up feeling so proud of myself!  I made it through another Friday.  I get to the gym (still not feeling like I'm doing it better since I quit drinking…that better come soon!)  Mr. 53, myself and Daughter #3 decide to go into NYC to walk around.  It is an unseasonably gorgeous day.  We are in the Little Italy section, walking to some lighting stores in the Bowery.  We pass a gazillion outdoor restaurants and because it is mid afternoon, the tables are filled with people drinking their wine!  I nearly cried!  And of course, I forgot my anchor!  Crabby is back!!!!  So, we go to the lighting stores, I pick a fight with Mr. 53, who is so kind and understanding, and continue to be crabby!  So, a few crabby hours go by and it's dinner time.  We don't have a reservation, so we decide to go to this really good place that I have been to, but not Mr. 53.  He's been wanting to go.  They have no tables available but we can eat in the lounge.  Well, the lounge has a bar in it!  But, we do it. 

 This place had an alcohol free drink menu!  I ordered my "mocktail" (which was like a mojito) and Mr. 53 ordered a glass of white wine.  (Mr. 53, like I said, is so kind and understanding…not to mention sexy! and he is a red wine drinker, as I was, and he ordered white as to not "tempt" me!  (I would never touch white wine..I just don't like it!)  I just love him!  And this was after I've been so crabby to him for the past, oh say, 4 hours!.  I was so flattered that I told him to order red.  

It's funny, because as soon as I had my mocktail, my body completely relaxed.  It made me wonder if the actual "alcohol" in my first glass of wine per night made me relax, or just the thought of it.  In hindsight, I realize it was the "thought."  There is no way that the wine can hit your bloodstream that quickly!  This was a big realization to me as I always loved my first sip of wine…That warm feeling going down your throat and into your belly. ( I truly loved that first glass on an empty stomach…bad, right?)  So, now I've got a new realization and I hope that helps me going forward with regard to missing that "first sip."  

So, Mr. 53 ended up having 2 more glasses of red.  I went thru the alcohol free drink menu with Daughter #3.  We had them all!  As a reward, I treated myself to dessert.  All of those calories from alcohol have to be more than a dessert, right?

And the best news…I DROVE HOME!  Yep, me!  Like I've said, I have NEVER drove home!  I was so proud of myself!  A realization and being able to drive home all in one night!  Life is Good!

Wishing you a realization tonight!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 12 - Another Friday


February 19, 2016
Day 12
Hello!
My 2nd Friday night AF…It is soooo hard!  Once again, I am super crabby!  I really should break out my adult coloring books, but I'm not in the mood.  I went to the gym this morning and played tennis this afternoon.  The endorphins should be flying!  I also indulged in some chocolate today.  More endorphins!  So where the hell are they?  They say that the first drink releases endorphins, but after that, as you crave more endorphins (the next drink), you start to stop the endorphin production as you continue to drink, thus, alcohol is a depressant.  Well, I am booze free, exercised and ate chocolate!  Where the "F" are my endorphins to put me in a good mood?  Another night getting to bed early because I might bite somebody's head off!!!  Ugh…my poor family and Facebook friends!

Wishing you an endorphin filled night….and not from alcohol!

Love,
Sober at 53

Day 10 - The Anchor

February 16, 2016
Day 10
Hello
In Julian Kirkman-Page's book, "I Don't Drink," he carried a rock in his pocket with the word "gout" written on it.  You see, he suffered from terrible gout due to his drinking.  Every time he felt an urge to drink, he would put his hand in his pocket and hold his "rock."  He suggests that you figure out the reasons why you want to quit drinking, and try to sum it up in to one word and get, what I call "an anchor" (like his rock) that you can look at, touch, or whatever, when you get an urge to drink.

 It took me a few days to figure out what my anchor would be.  I was stopping drinking for all health related issues.  Weight, being the big one for me.  But, I was concerned about cancer, my liver, my pancreas, and other body parts!  How would I sum it up into one word?  I was lucky, in that it came to me!  I purchased a key chain on Amazon that has about a 1.5 inch barbell attached to it.  My word was WEIGHT.  And my barbell is a "weight."

 I love my anchor.  I keep it in my pocket and just touching it reminds me of being healthy.  It doesn't remind me of what I am losing…but reminds me of what I'm gaining…Health.


Hoping you find your anchor today!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 9 - Exercise


February 15, 2016
Day 9
Hello! 
I had a great workout at the gym this morning…no hangover!  I take a bootcamp class 4 days per week.  I believe it has kept me from getting even bigger!  I always used it as a justification to drink….I'll just sweat it out in class tomorrow!  I wonder how many times my sweat smelled like cabernet?  I bet a lot!  I am a huge exerciser.  In April, I joined a running group and ran 3 times per week in addition to my 4 days of bootcamp.  And yes, I did lose weight and get thinner…but then all of a sudden it stopped..so I ran harder..and faster…and challenged myself…and then I got hurt!    This was in October.  Yes, it was easier to exercise more and diet then it was to quit the wine.  So, now I have an injury.  I can no longer run and I've put back the weight I had lost (10 lbs…interesting how hard it is to lose and how easy it is to gain, right?)   I hope to get back soon, but I am not letting myself go back to running until I am AF.  I am now!!!  But, the weather here is too cold to run outside and I abhor a treadmill.
I thought that I would feel better during my workout while AF…but I don't.  I don't understand.  All alcohol should be out of my bloodstream by now.  I also don't feel better in the morning.  I still wake up most mornings and feel like crap…and for a moment, the self-loathing starts…but just for the moment..then I remember…I didn't drink last night.  The difference with the wake up is that I still feel crappy when I wake up, but once I'm out of bed, I am good!  It takes way less time to get me going then when I was drinking.  Now, I am waiting for my exercise to take a turn for the better!

Wishing you a healthy day!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 8 - Valentine's Day

February 14, 2016
Day 8
Hello!
Happy Valentine's Day!!!  
Today was easy.  We had Daughter #3's boyfriend (also special needs) and his mom over for heart shaped ravioli and a heart shaped cake that Daughter #3 and I baked.  Her boyfriends mom is not a drinker.  That made it easy for me not to drink.  I found that I really focused on my conversation with her.  In the past, when I shared a meal with her I would be worrying about if she thought I drank too much.  (She probably did..and rightfully so!)  It was so nice to be "in tune" with a conversation.  A benefit that I didn't know would happen!

Happy Valentine's Day and I hope you are "in tune" (in whatever way…wink wink…) with someone today!

Love,
Sober at 53

Day 7 - First Saturday AF

February 13, 2016
Day 7
Hello!
Ok…first day of a 3 day weekend with Valentine's Day thrown in the middle!  Why did I pick this time to quit drinking???? (oh yeah, Lent)  Is there ever a good time?  So, tonight, we were going to the movies with a bunch of friends.  There were 5 couples, counting us.  We had a sitter  for Daughter #3 so all was good.  Of course, this movie theater served cocktails!  But, nobody in our group had one.  You know, if I was still drinking, I would've been the first to belly up to the bar!  No joke!  And, there are some "drinkers" in this group!  So, we watch the movie.  I was proud of myself for making it thru without even craving a wine.  The plan was to go out for a bite after the movie.  So, we walked in the BITTER COLD to a restaurant next door.  Of course, with my luck, our table was in the bar area!  So much for "Lead us not into Temptation!"

We ordered drinks and appy's.  One of my friends did ask me privately why I wasn't drinking.  This great girl holds everything close to her breast so I knew she wouldn't give me up.  I just told her that I felt I was drinking a bit too much and needed to take some time off.  I was giving it up for Lent.

We were there for over an hour, and it was hard for me.  I felt deprived.  I also was now on my very first "designated driver" ride home!  And you know what?  It felt good!  It felt really good!  But the best was, coming home and not having more wine!  That was my usual modis operandi.

Making it thru my first Saturday was easier than I thought.  I did struggle at night at the restaurant, but I made it through.  First Saturday being AF…OVER!  Go me!

Love,
Sober at 53

Day 6 - my first Friday


February 12, 2016
Day 6
Hello!
Today is my first Friday!  How the heck am I going to get thru the night without my wine?  Friday night was always a time of relaxation.  A long week had ended and now the weekend was approaching.  Time to relax and celebrate that….with a bottle of wine (or two or three!).  This was going to be tough!  After all, Mr. 53 doesn't have my drinking issues so he is free to imbibe!  I knew I shouldn't hang at home.  Daughter #3 has an activity on Fridays that ends at 6:30.  On Fridays, I spent the entire time at said activity waiting to get home and pop the cork on a bottle of red.  What was I going to do?  I thought about the book that I had read, "I DON'T DRINK" and in it, the author said that at night he decided to swim in place of staying home and drinking.  Well, I do not have the luxury of finding another activity that lets me go out of the house on a nightly basis.  Have I mentioned that Daughter #3 has special needs? (that will be another post coming soon!).  So,with that in mind, I stopped at the local Barnes & Noble (as well as COSTCO and a pharmacy…anything not to go home and be tempted!) and purchased my next book club book, and some adult coloring books and markers, as well as a new calendar so I could mark off my days AF.  I thought that the adult coloring books would be my "activity."  OK…so now I can go home.  I have a plan..I am going to order in a good dinner and watch TV and color!  EPIC FAIL!  I get home, and Mr. 53 is cooking dinner.  We NEVER cook on a Friday night.  Also, it is a sub par dinner!  Mr. 53 was trying to get rid of what's in the fridge!  So, that turned me into a beast!  My good dinner went out the window with my wine!  I turned into a crabby woman…the kind that I don't want to be around!  Needless to say, I didn't color.  I went up to my bedroom and tried to find something to watch on TV.  I couldn't find anything and was so  bored and crabby.  It took EVERYTHING I had not to drink.  I finally went to bed….after offering up many apologies to Mr. 53 and to Daughter #3!  

But the good news is….I woke up with NO SELF LOATHING!  And in addition…PURE JOY!  I had made it thru my first Friday night!  Go me!  Now…how in the world am I going to make it through Saturday night?????

Wishing you an easy day of "firsts!"
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 5 - Past attempts at quitting

February 11, 2016
Day 5
Hello!
This is not my first time trying to quit.  I have tried to quit drinking before, rather unsuccessfully.  I participated in an 8 week study of women who want to quit drinking at a state college.  It was an hour a way and I had to hire a babysitter for my kids.  I did the program.  I did not quit drinking, but the stress from it made me take up my old habit of smoking (and I thought it was justifiable…WHAT????).  So now, I was a drinker and a smoker.  I was lower than low.  I didn't think my self-loathing could get worse than it already was…I was wrong.  So, that habit lasted about a summer, and then every time I tried to quit drinking I would smoke.  I replaced one bad habit with a worse bad habit!  (Just for the record, I am smoke free..and now 5 days alcohol free..Woohoo!).  After that program was unsuccessful, I went to a psychiatrist, got put on prozac and wellbutrin to try and help.  (I am an all or nothing girl and I was convinced that if I could just NOT have one drink then I would be okay…an OCD thing).  Guess what?  Didn't work!  And, I think the effects of the prozac intensified the alcohol (maybe it was just my obsessing on taking prozac with wine was intensified?)  So, I read a book on "The Sinclair Method" and determined that naltrexone was the drug for me.  I FOUND A CURE!
According to Wikipedia, this is the prescribed usage of naltrexone:

The main use of naltrexone is for the treatment of alcohol dependence. Naltrexone has been shown to decrease heavy drinking.[2] The evidence for bringing about no drinking is less clear.[3]
The combination of drinking and naltrexone is known as the The Sinclair Method.[3][4] Research suggests that individuals receiving naltrexone in combination with supportive therapy and abstinence see no benefit from the administration of naltrexone versus placebo. Instead the research suggests that continuing to drink while naltrexone is administered results in an extinction mechanism that is much stronger compared to administration of naltrexone with abstinence.

In addition to taking the "nal" (as I called it) you were to record in a journal how many drinks you had a day.  I cut down! Some days I was even AF!  But I was obsessed in thinking about drinking.  Plus, the "nal" gave me vivid nightmares.  I don't even remember my dreams (probably because of the wine!)  So..I was doing really well….until I was not!  When you take naltrexone you need to get your liver functions tested before you start and every 6 months thereafter.  Mine remained fine.  But, now, I am drinking and taking the naltrexone!  And, I've thrown in a cigarette every now and then for stress relief. Yes…again, lower and lower I fall.  I really didn't know how low one could go!  But, I keep finding out!  So, I go off the naltrexone.  I am back to my bottle of wine per day and I'm once again not smoking.  Self loathing is in full force….ten fold!!!

Wishing you a successful endeavor with quitting the drink!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 4 - Girls Night Out

February 10, 2016
Day 4
Hello!
I get together with 4 girlfriends often.  Unfortunately, we haven't been able to get together in months,  We planned this night about a month ago.  Nobody realized it was Ash Wednesday.  What was I going to do?  I was really a secret drinker.  Sure, I drank when I went out, but usually in moderation.  I don't believe anyone except for Mr. 53 and my drinking compadre knew how much I drank.  I didn't really know until I started writing this blog!

 People think of me as someone who appreciates wine, but who has it all under control (what a lie I live!).  So, I lamented all day about what I was going to say.  Nobody would believe I was going to give it up for Lent as I always joked that I couldn't wait to have my wine at night.  But, my friends, with the exception of my drinking compadre, never knew that when I said "one glass," I meant "one glass bottle!"

So, I thought about canceling, but I missed my girls!  None of which, again except my drinking compadre, were big drinkers (How I hated them that night…total JEALOUSY!)  I was so nervous about going…not just because I didn't want to say I wasn't drinking (and Lent is a great, believable reason) but because I didn't know if I would have fun going out and not drinking.  I never really did it.  When I went out, I would catch a ride or Mr. 53 always drove home, or if was my turn, I'd make sure we Ubered or taxied home.  I also really wasn't ready to say I gave it up for Lent because I didn't know if it was something I could really do (yes, I wavered from the night before when I thought being AF for 2 days meant I cold do 40!).

Guess what?  Nobody even questioned my not drinking!!!  Woohoo!  They didn't think I was a big drinker (my secret is safe!) My drinking compadre knew, as we always do our self loathing thing in the morning via telephone….sigh.  And the most important thing….I had FUN!  Again, I am empowered!  I am so proud of myself!  All that worry for naught!

Wishing you AF girls night out!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 3 - Day before Lent

February 9, 2016
Day 3
Hello!
Today is the day before Lent.  I am going to give up wine for the 40 days of Lent.  Well, today is my 3rd day AF.  But, it is the last day I can drink before giving it up for Lent tomorrow.  What should I do?  I really can have some, because I am going to give it up for 40 days starting tomorrow!  I just did 2 full days AF, surely I can have wine tonight!  Why deprive myself?  I know I can do just fine for 40 days, I just did 2 feeling fine (that's a rational thought, huh?)  The alcohol "ping pong" goes back and forth in my head ALL DAY LONG!  What should I do????  I know…I will read the book I just downloaded "I DON"T DRINK."  So, that's what I did…I read…ALL DAY LONG!  (See how I changed in my head my "ALL DAY LONG?")  It really empowered me.  That's right, I felt empowered!  Opposite of self-loathing!  I loved that feeling.  I haven't felt empowered in a very long time.  I could take control of my drinking.  I can call the shots.  It won't be easy…that I know.  So, I read all day into the evening.  I didn't have any wine!  I wanted to celebrate!  (with wine of course!)  
Go me!  I am so proud of myself!

Wishing that you find what empowers you!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 2 - Self Loathing


February 8, 2016
Day 2
Hello!
Well, today is Monday and Day 2!  
It was sooooo good to wake up after a good nights sleep (In part because of my lack of "real sleep" the previous night!) and with ZERO self-loathing!  That's right…NO SELF LOATHING!  That is a HUGE part of my drinking process.  Start drinking whilst making dinner….have more with dinner…have more with Mr. 53 after dinner while watching TV.  Mr. 53 goes to bed..I get on the phone with my aforementioned drinking compadre (Party Hostess) and drink more.  It's party time.  After I finish a bottle of wine, I fight with myself as to whether or not I should uncork another one.  I KNOW I shouldn't, but sometimes I do..a lot of times I do.

I think, if I'm being totally honest, I drink a bottle and a glass each night.  Mr. 53 used to drink like me, but in the last 3 years he has been able to have 2 glasses a night and stop (Yeah!  more for me!!!)  So, when bed time for me finally rolls around, between 11:30 and 12:30, I'm blotto.  I drink a huge glass of water before I go to bed thinking that will stave off the alcohol effects (yeah, right!).  Sometimes I even take ADVIL, but not often as I figure I am already hurting my liver with wine.  So, I fall asleep like a newborn baby.  But, I wake up to use the facilities and then have trouble falling back asleep.  In fact, this is where the self-loathing comes in..I HATE MYSELF!  How can I be such a drunk?  I am hurting my mind, my body, my family, my friends! Did I go on Facebook last night?  Did I drunk text anybody?  Did I send an email?  Did I call someone?  While I have never blacked out, I do have a hard time remembering what I did.   I so hate myself. I Promise today will be a new day and I will quit drinking…(Said in the middle of the night, DAILY, for the last 10 years!)  Eventually, I fall back to sleep….it is a restless, dreamless sleep and when I wake up a few hours later to get Daughter #3 off to school the self-loathing cycle begins all over again.  Sometimes I think that I would blow a breathalyzer if I got pulled over taking her to school.  On these days, I don't make it to the gym, so the self-loathing process happens all over again!  Then…I get on the computer, and google "Am I an Alcoholic?"  I take the questionnaires and of course don't pass them.  I don't drink in the morning, I don't drink in the afternoon, I have never blacked out, never drove drunk (hmmm….except maybe taking Daughter #3  and probably Sons #1 and #2 in years past when I drove them to school)….how can I possibly be an alcoholic?  

So, on this day, I reread Julian Kirkman-Page's article and realize that he has an ENTIRE BOOK about this called "I DON'T DRINK."  So, I download it onto my kindle.  No more self-loathing for me!

Wishing you a day of no self-loathing!
Love,
Sober at 53

Day 1 - How the hell did I get here?

February 7, 2016
Day 1 Sober
Hello!  I decided to start blogging about quitting alcohol.  About trying to become Alcohol Free (AF).  How in hell did I get here????  I will start at the beginning….5 days ago….
On Saturday night, my husband (Mr. 53) and I attended a good friends 50th birthday dinner at a restaurant.  We were seated with 2 other couples whom we love dearly.  The wine bottles were on the table.  (The birthday boy is a wine lover so they were high end bottles and they kept coming!).  The birthday party was fun.  I thought I drank the same as everyone else at my table.  I was feeling good and happy!  We got home around midnight, Mr. 53 went to bed, and what did I do?  I cracked open another bottle of red and drank half of it.  Stayed up until about 2 am.  Slept in on Sunday..woke up at 11:00 and told Mr. 53 that I was really sick…I thought I caught the flu or something.  He informed me that I was indeed suffering a hangover!  While I had 9 hours of "sleep," I don't think it was "real sleep."  I felt HORRIBLE all day long!  That night was a party being thrown by a dear friend, who is a drinking compadre.  I HAD to go to her party…she probably even ordered extra bottles of red just for me!  So, we went…me, Mr. 53, Son #2 and Daughter #3.  Son #1 is away at college.  Well guess what?  For the first time in YEARS, I couldn't drink…I have NEVER felt like that!  Everyone kept telling me to have one…the hair of the dog…it would take away the hangover.  I did consider it, but didn't imbibe... that is how tired I felt.  I drank a lot of seltzer water.

I had planned on giving up wine for Lent…which was in 4 days.  In years past I have also given up wine, only to find myself switching my drink to cosmos!  But, the real reason I wanted to give up the drink is because I cannot lose any weight!!!  I am not giant…but am on my way.  I drink a bottle and sometimes more EVERY SINGLE NIGHT….come the weekend….MORE!  And it is any wonder why I can't lose any weight?  I want my old body back….20 lbs ago!  I have a HUGE wine belly.  It makes me sick to look at it.  It physically appalls me to look at it because I know it's ALL RED WINE!  So, I had googled "quitting alcohol and weight loss" and it led me to this article:

https://manvfat.com/stopping-alcohol-weight-loss-transformation-julian-kirkman-page-amazingloser/

For some strange reason, this article resonated with me.  I can't tell you why.  First off, the subject of the article is male..I am female.  He lives across the pond, I live in the US, he drank WAY more than me.  But…he LOST WEIGHT without even trying!  I wanted that for myself!  I was actually jealous that he upped and quit drinking just like that!  And lost weight doing so! I wanted to be Julian Kirkman Page!

So, in the end, a bad hangover and a gentleman across the pond were my catalyst!  (Not to mention the MAJOR self-loathing I experienced each and every day!)

Hope you find your catalyst!
Love,
Sober at 53