June 1, 2015
Day 115
Hello!
Well, it seems like I've been totally blown off by one of my best friends. My friend M. was my drinking buddy. Besides Mr. Soberat53, she is the ONLY person in the world who knew how much I drank. She drank just like me. For years, we were drinking buddies, via phone..every night We told each other our darkest secrets while we were drinking (of course we would...alcohol enables loose lips!). Through our drinking, we also became very close outside of our drinking. We shared a lot of the same interests. We are both intense exercisers. We both have children with special needs. We both LOVED our wine! We really spent hours on the phone late into the night when our husbands and kids were asleep. It was like we were having a party over the phone. And we live close so sometimes she would sneak over here after work for some wine before she went home.
We have tried quitting together a gazillion times. Tried supporting each other through it. Even went to an AA meeting together. Of course we never made it. Years of this drinking and talking about quitting went on.
Then something happened...I quit. She didn't.
In the beginning, she was very proud of me. I gave her inspiration. She kept telling me I was her hero. I kept telling her to be her own hero.
She told me that she was jealous that I quit. She wants to so badly, but it just isn't happening for her.
She does go to a therapist that specializes in alcohol addiction. I mentioned in a previous post that she is working on why she drinks, so that in figuring that out and ultimately getting rid of those issues, she won't want to drink because there will be no reason to. A different approach.
She told me that she didn't want to call me anymore because she didn't want to trigger me. I told her that nobody could make me drink except for me. So, she kept calling...and yes, she was drunk,
I let her know, in no uncertain terms, how much I love and need her and I couldn't get through this without her. Only she could understand. She kept calling...and yes, she was drunk.
I do not judge her at all. I have walked in her shoes. Nor do I try to get her to quit. I listen when she talks about wanting to quit. I listen when she talks about her therapy appts. I only support her. I know that she has to find it in herself to quit...just like I had to.
Now, I haven't heard from her since last week. We spoke every day!!! And in thinking about it, it was generally me who did all of the calling of late.
I fully understand that I have something she wants...sobriety. But, I miss her so much. It pains me to think that our relationship was solely built on our drinking. It takes years to build a relationship like we had. I thought it was real. Her family spends Thanksgivings and Christmases with our family for goodness sakes! We even talked about me and Mr. Soberat53 becoming her child with special needs legal guardian should anything happen to her and her husband. Now, that is closeness!!!
I know she lost her drinking buddy...but I thought we had so much more! Mr. Soberat53 also lost his drinking buddy...but I guess since he lives with me, he still has to talk to me!
I guess I just have to let her find her way? Can I really be reduced to a small role in her life? I am so sad. I wish I could call her during the day, when she is not drinking...but she has a huge job, that she loves and is brilliant at, and cannot be reached while she is at work.
I am thinking that this relationship is one of the consequences of me not drinking. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it though. I just thought it was so much more!!
I miss my friend!!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Hi Sober@53. That's sure a sad story. I'd feel low too. It does sound like a real, long-term friendship though, and there's lots of hope that it will work out in time. I don't see losing the relationship as a consequence of you not drinking. But it might need time for you both to find new ways to hang out together. My mother-in-law gives brilliant advice, and I know she would say that if you keep calling her once in a while and stay available, you'll leave an opening for things to work out when they can, and you'll be available for your friend if she joins you in being sober, as it sounds like she very much wants to do. My heart goes out to you on this. Take care xo
ReplyDeleteLoss is loss. It's going to hurt, S@53! Any you will have to grieve the loss. I'm so sorry. And she's been going through loss as well, of course. And a lot of other emotions to boot - guilt, envy, who knows what all. I'm sure your friendship WAS built on a lot more than drinking, Was a REAL bedrock friendship. And down the line, maybe that can emerge again.
ReplyDeleteI feel that you've gained the strength, through these past 115 days (yaaaay!), that you can let this rock you...but not change the path you're on. You have to do whats right for you....perhaps you'll be the catalyst for her to eventually find the strength to do what's best for her. I hope so.
Separately, I've been thinking about this 'figuring out WHY we drink' approach, partly spurred by something read somewhere else. And I had the 'horse/cart' thought. The 'cart' is all the baggage that might go into fueling our drinking to begin with...but the 'horse' is the drinking itself, out of control, galloping through our life, destroying things in its path.
Figuring out what's in the cart is all well and good. But first things first: we gotta get that damned horse under control, no matter what. Then, the cart can be sorted -- and in far better fashion with crystal clear, a/f thinking.
Just some further thoughts...kudos to you for trying to hang in there and avoiding preaching, etc. Not everyone could do that.
ReplyDeleteAnd not everyone is the sort who can really, truly commit to friendship. I'm always amazed to come across people who can just X others out of their life....but, it sure does happen.
I'm sorry this has happened. Maybe she just needs time and a bit of space to sort things out? Maybe she is going through s hard time with her own drinking? Either way, all you can do is key her know that you are there for her. Hopefully she will realise that the friendship is too important to let go? Good luck. And congrats on 115 days! So awesome! A x
ReplyDelete'Let' her know (typing on my phone!)
DeleteOh you poor thing!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments above. Let her know that you're still there, and she will come back when she gets her own demons under control. Being sober together is AS bonding an experience as being drunk together :-)
In the meantime, is there anything you can do together during the day? I know she has a big job, but weekends? Exercise based, maybe? Or with the kids? That'll keep the door open until she's ready....
Hugs xxx
I think she will come back. Perhaps this is part of the adjustment. Your friendship has changed, but maybe for the better. Maybe she just needs to process it all. You have what she wants. She will get there too, it might just take a while. I hope it all works out ok. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. That is a big loss. I hope everything will work out with time. Maybe the closeness you have just needs to hibernate for a while and will re-emerge stronger when the time is right. Sending much love your way.
ReplyDeleteEchoing what everyone else has said, I hope this is just a hiatus while she processes the changes that have occurred - which is MASSIVE. Don't write the friendship off yet it may take a little time but hopefully she will come around both to the friendship and the AF status. Incidentally my therapist took a similar stance re solve your problems and then you will have no desire to drink. I think that works up to a point but I wasn't prepared to wait until that happened so stopped drinking of my own choice.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like she needs some time to deal with her issues and right now you remind her of them. Your success is probably daunting. It sounds like your friendship is strong. I echo SoberMummy's idea on how to keep the door open and maybe find new things to do together. Keep making those phone calls from time to time just to check in.
ReplyDeleteOh I'm so sorry. You have been a really good friend to her. I'm wondering if it might be something else that is preventing her from calling you and not her disinterest in continuing the friendship? Maybe something happened in her life that she isn't ready to talk about yet. Reach out and let her know you are there when she is ready. Big hugs to you my friend. XOXO
ReplyDeleteDear SoberMomat 53,
ReplyDeleteThat would be very hard.
I too lost a drinking buddy.
I hope she finds her way back to you, because you sure could help her, just by listening.
I wish you a good day today.
xo
Wendy
Thank you all for your lovely comments and your great ideas. My friend actually called me last night because she was upset and need to talk! Hooray!!! I ended up telling her how I missed her and she didn't even realize. I'm glad I told her. I'm glad she knows. We will see how things go from here! Again, thank you so much!!! I really appreciated every word!! xo
ReplyDelete