May 25, 2016
In reading the blogs that I follow, I have noticed that there seem to be a lot of people who have abstained from drinking for long periods of time and then have started back up again. They are now in a position where once again they are trying to quit.
I appreciate the honesty in these blogs so very much! It is raw. It is scary!!! Some people have gone years without drinking only to return to it. I am at Day 108. I read a blog where the writer went back right around this time in their sober journey. And, for no good reason. (Will there ever be a good reason? I don't think so!)
I am scared that I will never be safe. Right now I spend a lot of time quitting! It is a lot easier than it was in the very beginning and I'm sure as I continue on it will get even easier (one can hope!). For all of us ex-smokers out there, I know one day you get to the point where you can't even imagine a cigarette. It will taste gross and you would feel physically ill if you were to have one. I hope that is how it gets for me with wine. BUT...when I look into my future...everyone around me is still drinking. It is socially acceptable, whereas smoking is not...In fact, smoking is demonized...and rightfully so! It is not cool to smoke. But, drinking is considered cool.
So what do I do in this world where drinking is socially acceptable? Will I ever reach a point where drinking is a memory from a long time ago? Will I be able to be free of "drinking and quitting" in a world where it is all around me? Do I have to be strong FOREVER? I kinda don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. I don't mean I want to go to moderation (right! Like that was even possible!) but I certainly don't want to have to work on quitting forever! It's exhausting as it is, never mind having to do it for a lifetime! I'm 53 years old and I just want to get on with my life! (Ok, this is where I get really pissed at myself and berate myself for having to quit because I let my drinking get so out of hand!)
Will I ever be safe from relapsing? Do I wake up one day and realize that quitting is over? That I made it? That I'm done with quitting?
These are the thoughts that boggle my mind. I just want this whole quitting thing to be over...but will it ever be? Will I ever be safe? Please...SOMEONE...tell me I will be safe! Please! I beg you!!!!
Sober at 53