May 25, 2016
Day 108
Hello!
In reading the blogs that I follow, I have noticed that there seem to be a lot of people who have abstained from drinking for long periods of time and then have started back up again. They are now in a position where once again they are trying to quit.
I appreciate the honesty in these blogs so very much! It is raw. It is scary!!! Some people have gone years without drinking only to return to it. I am at Day 108. I read a blog where the writer went back right around this time in their sober journey. And, for no good reason. (Will there ever be a good reason? I don't think so!)
I am scared that I will never be safe. Right now I spend a lot of time quitting! It is a lot easier than it was in the very beginning and I'm sure as I continue on it will get even easier (one can hope!). For all of us ex-smokers out there, I know one day you get to the point where you can't even imagine a cigarette. It will taste gross and you would feel physically ill if you were to have one. I hope that is how it gets for me with wine. BUT...when I look into my future...everyone around me is still drinking. It is socially acceptable, whereas smoking is not...In fact, smoking is demonized...and rightfully so! It is not cool to smoke. But, drinking is considered cool.
So what do I do in this world where drinking is socially acceptable? Will I ever reach a point where drinking is a memory from a long time ago? Will I be able to be free of "drinking and quitting" in a world where it is all around me? Do I have to be strong FOREVER? I kinda don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. I don't mean I want to go to moderation (right! Like that was even possible!) but I certainly don't want to have to work on quitting forever! It's exhausting as it is, never mind having to do it for a lifetime! I'm 53 years old and I just want to get on with my life! (Ok, this is where I get really pissed at myself and berate myself for having to quit because I let my drinking get so out of hand!)
Will I ever be safe from relapsing? Do I wake up one day and realize that quitting is over? That I made it? That I'm done with quitting?
These are the thoughts that boggle my mind. I just want this whole quitting thing to be over...but will it ever be? Will I ever be safe? Please...SOMEONE...tell me I will be safe! Please! I beg you!!!!
Love,
Sober at 53
I completely understand what you are saying! From what I've read (and imagine, in sober daydreams), it does continue to mellow out. It just becomes a thing you once did, and instead of obsessing about not drinking, you just move on to thinking about other things. I think you absolutely WILL be safe! Because you will finally be at peace with not drinking and seeing yourself as a non-drinker. I guess it can't be forced, but every new day is working toward that. <3 :)
ReplyDeleteThe same answer again..PEACE!!! That is it! I want it now! WAH!!! xo
DeleteI totally understand your worry, and get the smoking parallel. What I can tell you is that after 14 months I really don't think about drinking any more BUT I do think about being sober. I still blog and read the blogs. I presume that, over time, I'll do that less and less....
ReplyDeleteGood to know SM! And don't stop blogging! Please!!!! xo
DeleteUh oh you kinda stole my post for tonight ha ha. I have started a draft that eeads very similar except that I still love the thought of smoking and all the trappings around it. I might still post it as like you I have had some realisations around what I am looking at long term. The fact that so many of us seem to be thinking and blogging similarly shows that this journey is individually different but really just the same. My advise to you today is different than yesterday in that I think you just for now and just for today focus on the present and not the future. It's too big and too overwhelming. You are doing fab, like amazingly well. Just take that for now.
ReplyDeleteI loved smoking too! In fact, when I quit 109 days ago, I took up the occasional cig. I stopped that 6 weeks ago. But I loved it...and miss it! xo
DeleteI've never gotten there myself but from what I read I've noticed around 6-12 months people start coming out the 'other side'. I got to day 129 last year so I know that's not the 'other side' yet, well not for me anyway. I think it's easy to become complacent over time and it's true you can be tired of quitting, but that's the important part. It won't last forever, better than having to start over.
ReplyDeleteI cannot wait to get to the other side of drinking/quitting! It can't come soon enough for me!! But, I don't think I'm close!! I'm just tired of it all! xo
DeleteI'm optimistic that it will move to the back of our minds at some point. The hard part about blogging is that we now have this community of support but it's a daily reminder that we are trying to quit. At some point I'd like to get to a point where I stop posting daily and check in, back with my friends, about once a week. As if I'm just catching up on people's lives. That's quite a ways into my future though.
ReplyDeleteI need the blogs because I am a secret quitter. This is the only support I have besides my husband! I don't think I could've quit without them! xo
DeleteI've been thinking about relapses a lot too. Bubble Hour has two good episodes on it and listening really helps. I'm not personally scared but I know it's potentially out there. All depends on what happens around me and how I react to it. I would love to tell you that you will be safe. But we both know that I can't with any certainty. But the good news is there are plenty of people who have relapsed and started on the wagon successfully immediately after. For some, relapse is part of the learning process. I so wish we could see ourselves in the future!
ReplyDeleteI will look at the Bubble Hour podcasts. I think this would be a great topic for them to do! xo
DeleteDear Sober at 53,
ReplyDeleteMost of the time, I don't work hard at being sober. There are a few times I stress out about not being able to have a drink, but now I know I can blow those thoughts away. But I also know, I can't take my sobriety for granted. I don't drink anymore, but I am not "cured".
I know people from my meetings who have been sober years, and they know they are never "safe", but they have a peace about being sober.
What is happening is my life is more peaceful.
(Except this week, as you read in my blog!)
Very Proud of your 108 Days!!
xo
Wendy
And there is my answer! "Peace" Thank you Un-Tipsy! xo
DeleteI know where you are coming from. I sometimes feel the same way. Will I always be thinking about not drinking? Will my days still be consumed with staying sober 5 years from now or will it have eased off by then. Sometimes it is all so exhausting and I just want it to go away. I'm hoping with more time, it won't be so all consuming. A x
ReplyDeleteIt makes me so tired!!! Happy to have camaraderie in this! Thank you Angie! xo
DeleteI keep meaning to respond to this post, but I'm not sure what I have to say is going to tell you you're safe! I'm one of the people who returned to drinking twice after long stretches of being sober. I don't think I will do that this time around. For me, I have had to keep re-examining my decision, as I felt so far outside the social norm and I found that very uncomfortable. This time around, I don't feel that way any more. I'm probably going to blog about this soon, but I have a sense now that I won't be ensnared again by the culture of alcohol, that I see it for the lie it is. But I wasn't able to take anyone else's word on that; I really did have to come round to it all my own way. So I guess I feel kind of "safe" this time, over eight months into my third long stretch of being sober. I very rarely think about drinking these days. I almost never want to drink, and when I do it's a very fleeting kind of want. I do stay involved in the online sober world though, as I know that being sober requires ongoing work, and I'm happy to keep on doing that. For me, staying true to my experience and avoiding dogmatic approaches have been important.
ReplyDeleteNot sure whether any of that helps you, but that's been my experience. Seems like you're doing great these days. I'd say working through any doubts by talking to others instead of withdrawing when you have doubts about being sober (if you end up having some at times) is an important part of this. Most people (and that includes me!) seem to take up little ideas and thoughts about drinking again and entertain them privately long before they return to drinking. Keeping honest with what you're thinking is one way to stay on the safer side of all this.
Sorry for such a long answer. Really glad to see you're doing so well! xo
So true Thirsty, about the honesty.
DeleteWhen I tried to get and stay sober the first few times, I hid my desires to drink...a little secret.
This time, there was no more hiding and I tell someone right away.
xo
Wendy
Thank you Thirsty. You gave me a lot to think about. I am trying to feel ok in the social norm. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard! I just don't want to confuse complacency with "safety." I really appreciate what you wrote. I think I've read it 20 times already!! Thank you! xo
DeleteI've been sober for 2.5 years. It takes no effort. I feel free. I love my life.
ReplyDeleteI'm stringer and more capable. I still have anxiety. I still take care of my emotional and physical health carefully.
But those just enhance my life. I live life this because I like it!
I do, however, remember how horrible my life felt at the end of my drinking. I hope to never become so complacent that I forget just how much of a gift sobriety brings.
Anne
I was sober for two ish years and it definitely got to the point where I stopped craving it. Very much like cigarettes. I started smoking at 12 and finally quit for good at 30 after two several year long stretches of not smoking. I rarely think of smoking now, but I remember when it took up a good portion of my thoughts. Thank you for this post. I can look at my smoking cessation as a very similar journey to this drinking cessation. I feel so free from smoking, and I remember feeling FREE from drinking. It was such a great feeling. I grew in creativity during that time and learned new skills and took up new hobbies.
ReplyDelete