May 25, 2016
Day 108
Hello!
In reading the blogs that I follow, I have noticed that there seem to be a lot of people who have abstained from drinking for long periods of time and then have started back up again. They are now in a position where once again they are trying to quit.
I appreciate the honesty in these blogs so very much! It is raw. It is scary!!! Some people have gone years without drinking only to return to it. I am at Day 108. I read a blog where the writer went back right around this time in their sober journey. And, for no good reason. (Will there ever be a good reason? I don't think so!)
I am scared that I will never be safe. Right now I spend a lot of time quitting! It is a lot easier than it was in the very beginning and I'm sure as I continue on it will get even easier (one can hope!). For all of us ex-smokers out there, I know one day you get to the point where you can't even imagine a cigarette. It will taste gross and you would feel physically ill if you were to have one. I hope that is how it gets for me with wine. BUT...when I look into my future...everyone around me is still drinking. It is socially acceptable, whereas smoking is not...In fact, smoking is demonized...and rightfully so! It is not cool to smoke. But, drinking is considered cool.
So what do I do in this world where drinking is socially acceptable? Will I ever reach a point where drinking is a memory from a long time ago? Will I be able to be free of "drinking and quitting" in a world where it is all around me? Do I have to be strong FOREVER? I kinda don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. I don't mean I want to go to moderation (right! Like that was even possible!) but I certainly don't want to have to work on quitting forever! It's exhausting as it is, never mind having to do it for a lifetime! I'm 53 years old and I just want to get on with my life! (Ok, this is where I get really pissed at myself and berate myself for having to quit because I let my drinking get so out of hand!)
Will I ever be safe from relapsing? Do I wake up one day and realize that quitting is over? That I made it? That I'm done with quitting?
These are the thoughts that boggle my mind. I just want this whole quitting thing to be over...but will it ever be? Will I ever be safe? Please...SOMEONE...tell me I will be safe! Please! I beg you!!!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Day 105 - Why aren't you drinking?
May 22, 2016
Day 105
Hello!
What a whirlwind weekend it's been for me.
On Friday evening, we hosted a pre prom party for our daughter with special needs and 10 of her friends, also with special needs, sans 1 young man. (in fact, a NY news station did a story on him and his prom date on Friday!) We ended up having approx. 100 people at our house. I hosted similar pre prom parties for my sons. But the difference was, this time, I couldn't drink!!!
At my son's pre prom parties, we only served alcohol after the kids left for prom. Lead us not into temptation! hahaha At my daughters, we served alcohol during the pre-prom party. It was a "fun stressful" time having all of those people at my house...the getting ready in itself would usually cause me to drink! (I was outside the night before at 9:00 pm under my lights planting more flowers!). It seemed that everyone was drinking except for me! I grabbed an AF beer and promptly lost it when I put it down! But, I was so busy, that was fine.
When the kids left for the prom, a lot of people stayed. That is when it really hit me that I couldn't drink. And I was sad. So, I grabbed another AF beer and boy, did it prompt questions!!! (In hindsight, I should've put it in a glass and nobody would've been any the wiser!) Many questions! Along with the comments "you're brave".."I could never do it." "How could you go on vacation and not drink?" .."When will you start again?" etc. (I'll get to my answers soon!)
The very next morning, me and Mr. Soberat53 and 2 other couples went to another friends country home 3 hours away. These are my very closest friends. My absolute besties. I can tell them ANYTHING...except for my quitting alcohol. They knew I was a big drinker, but they really thought I was all talk! Little did they know! (and they still don't know)
We had a great day! This "urban girl" got her country on! We rode ATV's, shot shotguns, had a ginormous bonfire, and ate a great meal. After all of our country activities, you guessed it, the drinks were about to flow. I had brought a 6 pack of AF beer with me, so I started BEFORE anyone else started drinking so nobody would offer me wine and I would have more questions to answer! But, no, there were questions! Why? How long? Is it intentional?
How I answered: (and I had a captive audience..ugh!) Well, after a party in Feb. I woke up with a hangover. I was giving up wine for lent which was starting in a few days so I just started early. (that hangover did me in) After Lent, I decided I didn't want to drink because I liked how I felt....I slept better, I didn't wake up as much during the night, I felt better in the morning. I like the taste of alcohol, thus the AF beer, but I don't like how it makes me feel. I don't know when I'll decide to drink again. (I know damn well when I plan to start again: NEVER). As far as vacation, I just didn't drink. (Um, yeah, it was hard but I did it!)
During my explanation time, my sweet husband texted me from across the room asking me if I was alright. As the night continued, I tried to be the fun girl that I usually was. Everyone was sitting around and I suggested we play Left, Right, Center for $$. We all played, except for 2, and we had a lot of fun. Noteworthy: Nobody was drunk! (I would've been had I been drinking!) (BTW, I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed but I was determined to be the fun one without drinking!)
On the way home today, Mr. Soberat53 told me, unsolicited, that I did great with the not drinking once the QandA was over! I told him that if I was still drinking, I would've been bombed and that instead of a game of Left Right Center, I would've done God knows what! I might've been hanging from the chandelier! (And it would've been an antler chandelier as it is a country house!)
It is interesting to be the only one in the room not drinking. You really see people in a different light! And, I slept horribly, so I didn't even get that morning benefit of feeling great!!!
And. my daughters prom was wonderful! A couple with special needs won Prom King and Queen. So cool!And I was able to drive them home from the limo drop and i got to hear a rich exchange between her and her boyfriend that I would've never heard. had I been drinking In fact, I would've arranged it so somebody else picked them up!
Hoping you don't have to go through QandA sessions about your not drinking! It's not fun! Especially if the "askers" did not know how much you really drank!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 105
Hello!
What a whirlwind weekend it's been for me.
On Friday evening, we hosted a pre prom party for our daughter with special needs and 10 of her friends, also with special needs, sans 1 young man. (in fact, a NY news station did a story on him and his prom date on Friday!) We ended up having approx. 100 people at our house. I hosted similar pre prom parties for my sons. But the difference was, this time, I couldn't drink!!!
At my son's pre prom parties, we only served alcohol after the kids left for prom. Lead us not into temptation! hahaha At my daughters, we served alcohol during the pre-prom party. It was a "fun stressful" time having all of those people at my house...the getting ready in itself would usually cause me to drink! (I was outside the night before at 9:00 pm under my lights planting more flowers!). It seemed that everyone was drinking except for me! I grabbed an AF beer and promptly lost it when I put it down! But, I was so busy, that was fine.
When the kids left for the prom, a lot of people stayed. That is when it really hit me that I couldn't drink. And I was sad. So, I grabbed another AF beer and boy, did it prompt questions!!! (In hindsight, I should've put it in a glass and nobody would've been any the wiser!) Many questions! Along with the comments "you're brave".."I could never do it." "How could you go on vacation and not drink?" .."When will you start again?" etc. (I'll get to my answers soon!)
The very next morning, me and Mr. Soberat53 and 2 other couples went to another friends country home 3 hours away. These are my very closest friends. My absolute besties. I can tell them ANYTHING...except for my quitting alcohol. They knew I was a big drinker, but they really thought I was all talk! Little did they know! (and they still don't know)
We had a great day! This "urban girl" got her country on! We rode ATV's, shot shotguns, had a ginormous bonfire, and ate a great meal. After all of our country activities, you guessed it, the drinks were about to flow. I had brought a 6 pack of AF beer with me, so I started BEFORE anyone else started drinking so nobody would offer me wine and I would have more questions to answer! But, no, there were questions! Why? How long? Is it intentional?
How I answered: (and I had a captive audience..ugh!) Well, after a party in Feb. I woke up with a hangover. I was giving up wine for lent which was starting in a few days so I just started early. (that hangover did me in) After Lent, I decided I didn't want to drink because I liked how I felt....I slept better, I didn't wake up as much during the night, I felt better in the morning. I like the taste of alcohol, thus the AF beer, but I don't like how it makes me feel. I don't know when I'll decide to drink again. (I know damn well when I plan to start again: NEVER). As far as vacation, I just didn't drink. (Um, yeah, it was hard but I did it!)
During my explanation time, my sweet husband texted me from across the room asking me if I was alright. As the night continued, I tried to be the fun girl that I usually was. Everyone was sitting around and I suggested we play Left, Right, Center for $$. We all played, except for 2, and we had a lot of fun. Noteworthy: Nobody was drunk! (I would've been had I been drinking!) (BTW, I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed but I was determined to be the fun one without drinking!)
On the way home today, Mr. Soberat53 told me, unsolicited, that I did great with the not drinking once the QandA was over! I told him that if I was still drinking, I would've been bombed and that instead of a game of Left Right Center, I would've done God knows what! I might've been hanging from the chandelier! (And it would've been an antler chandelier as it is a country house!)
It is interesting to be the only one in the room not drinking. You really see people in a different light! And, I slept horribly, so I didn't even get that morning benefit of feeling great!!!
And. my daughters prom was wonderful! A couple with special needs won Prom King and Queen. So cool!And I was able to drive them home from the limo drop and i got to hear a rich exchange between her and her boyfriend that I would've never heard. had I been drinking In fact, I would've arranged it so somebody else picked them up!
Hoping you don't have to go through QandA sessions about your not drinking! It's not fun! Especially if the "askers" did not know how much you really drank!
Love,
Sober at 53
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Day 102 - Seeing the world Differently
May 19, 2016
Day 102
Hello!
A 17 year old boy in my town passed away unexpectedly on Sunday. I am so shaken up about it. He was to graduate HS this Friday. I did not know him or his family. It got me to thinking about if something like that would make me go back to drinking. I think it would. I hope to never find out. It also got me thinking that that boys family now views the world differently. When they now look out their window, their world is different. Horribly different. Nothing is the same. Nor will it ever be the same as it was on Saturday for that family.
I remember when on October 8, 2004, at 41 years of age, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My world was rocked. When I looked out my window, my world was different. Nothing was the same. Of course not in the same way as the family who lost their son, but it was different. My world had changed. I no longer had the same view out that window as I had had on October 7, 2004. My view was isolating. I felt alone...I felt that only I had the bad view while everyone else looking out that same window had a different and better view.
How does this correlate to sobriety? Well, for me, when I quit drinking 102 days ago on February 8, 2016, the view out my window changed for me. But, it changed in a good way. Unlike the two very life altering examples above, our views out our windows can also become more beautiful...even sometimes with life altering changes...like sobriety.
It took sobriety to make me see that the view I had out my window when I was drinking was a very bad view. In hindsight, the scenery was foggy. It was like looking through a prism glass. There was no clarity. It was grey. After I conquered (very difficultly I might add!) my first week of sobriety...BAM!!! the view out my window changed. It was no longer foggy. It was clear. It was colorful. It was vibrant. But, it was, and still is isolating. But not in a bad way. Maybe it's because I am a secret quitter and it feels a bit strange that I can't talk with anyone about my new view? I feel like I am in a bubble. while looking out that window. Not a bubble that is waiting to be popped, but inside a bubble that only I can see out. It is a surreal feeling if that makes any sense.
So, while my new view out my window is much clearer, it is still isolating. I think that means that I still have a lot of work to do on getting my view out that window in even better focus. Maybe I will have to share my secret with others . I think for now, I kind of don't mind being in that bubble...as long as the view is still clear.
Hoping you have a great view out your window!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 102
Hello!
A 17 year old boy in my town passed away unexpectedly on Sunday. I am so shaken up about it. He was to graduate HS this Friday. I did not know him or his family. It got me to thinking about if something like that would make me go back to drinking. I think it would. I hope to never find out. It also got me thinking that that boys family now views the world differently. When they now look out their window, their world is different. Horribly different. Nothing is the same. Nor will it ever be the same as it was on Saturday for that family.
I remember when on October 8, 2004, at 41 years of age, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My world was rocked. When I looked out my window, my world was different. Nothing was the same. Of course not in the same way as the family who lost their son, but it was different. My world had changed. I no longer had the same view out that window as I had had on October 7, 2004. My view was isolating. I felt alone...I felt that only I had the bad view while everyone else looking out that same window had a different and better view.
How does this correlate to sobriety? Well, for me, when I quit drinking 102 days ago on February 8, 2016, the view out my window changed for me. But, it changed in a good way. Unlike the two very life altering examples above, our views out our windows can also become more beautiful...even sometimes with life altering changes...like sobriety.
It took sobriety to make me see that the view I had out my window when I was drinking was a very bad view. In hindsight, the scenery was foggy. It was like looking through a prism glass. There was no clarity. It was grey. After I conquered (very difficultly I might add!) my first week of sobriety...BAM!!! the view out my window changed. It was no longer foggy. It was clear. It was colorful. It was vibrant. But, it was, and still is isolating. But not in a bad way. Maybe it's because I am a secret quitter and it feels a bit strange that I can't talk with anyone about my new view? I feel like I am in a bubble. while looking out that window. Not a bubble that is waiting to be popped, but inside a bubble that only I can see out. It is a surreal feeling if that makes any sense.
So, while my new view out my window is much clearer, it is still isolating. I think that means that I still have a lot of work to do on getting my view out that window in even better focus. Maybe I will have to share my secret with others . I think for now, I kind of don't mind being in that bubble...as long as the view is still clear.
Hoping you have a great view out your window!
Love,
Sober at 53
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Day 101 - Triggers vs. Cravings
Day 101
May 18, 2016
Hello!
Thank you so much for celebrating my 100 Days Sober with me y'day!!! I really appreciated all of the comments and emails!! Thank you so very much! So happy to have found this sober blog world!
That being said, this afternoon, while so happy about today, I thought to myself "I will have to celebrate with a drink tonight!" WTF? That got me thinking...is it a trigger or a craving?
The definitions:
trigger: something that causes something else to happen
craving: a powerful desire for something
I kind of always lumped them together. Today, my celebratory happiness was a trigger. Luckily, it didn't cause a craving. But, it was paralyzing! I couldn't believe it happened. And, it felt so natural! And, yes, when I realized that I don't drink, I was sad!
I wonder if a trigger always precedes a craving? Can you just have a plain old craving for wine? Does it have to be triggered by something?
I am realizing that the "triggers" are something I really have to watch out for. That trigger could lead to a craving! I am hoping, that over time, there will be little to no triggers. I guess I have to work on the triggers...can you even help them? Like today, should I not have been happy so I didn't have a trigger? What should I do instead? I can't avoid all things that may cause a trigger. Maybe you just have to recognize that a trigger is just a trigger and you don't have to act upon it. This led me to do a google search. I found an article in Psychology Today about triggers and cravings. Interestingly, it said this:
"...the simplest way to break the trigger-response connection is simply repeated exposure without the reward. As bizarre as this may seem, staying away from the triggers can make their ability to bring back the old drug-behavior stronger." Adi Jaffe, Ph.D.
So, I guess I answered one of my questions! Don't stay away from the triggers! Could that really be right? I don't know.
As I've moved along in my sobriety journey, I have found that the cravings are way less then they were when I first started, but the triggers are all still there.
So a wise word to myself:
BEWARE OF THE TRIGGERS!!! DO NOT REWARD THEM WITH WINE!
Hoping you have a trigger and craving free day!
Love,
Sober at 53
May 18, 2016
Hello!
Thank you so much for celebrating my 100 Days Sober with me y'day!!! I really appreciated all of the comments and emails!! Thank you so very much! So happy to have found this sober blog world!
That being said, this afternoon, while so happy about today, I thought to myself "I will have to celebrate with a drink tonight!" WTF? That got me thinking...is it a trigger or a craving?
The definitions:
trigger: something that causes something else to happen
craving: a powerful desire for something
I kind of always lumped them together. Today, my celebratory happiness was a trigger. Luckily, it didn't cause a craving. But, it was paralyzing! I couldn't believe it happened. And, it felt so natural! And, yes, when I realized that I don't drink, I was sad!
I wonder if a trigger always precedes a craving? Can you just have a plain old craving for wine? Does it have to be triggered by something?
I am realizing that the "triggers" are something I really have to watch out for. That trigger could lead to a craving! I am hoping, that over time, there will be little to no triggers. I guess I have to work on the triggers...can you even help them? Like today, should I not have been happy so I didn't have a trigger? What should I do instead? I can't avoid all things that may cause a trigger. Maybe you just have to recognize that a trigger is just a trigger and you don't have to act upon it. This led me to do a google search. I found an article in Psychology Today about triggers and cravings. Interestingly, it said this:
"...the simplest way to break the trigger-response connection is simply repeated exposure without the reward. As bizarre as this may seem, staying away from the triggers can make their ability to bring back the old drug-behavior stronger." Adi Jaffe, Ph.D.
So, I guess I answered one of my questions! Don't stay away from the triggers! Could that really be right? I don't know.
As I've moved along in my sobriety journey, I have found that the cravings are way less then they were when I first started, but the triggers are all still there.
So a wise word to myself:
BEWARE OF THE TRIGGERS!!! DO NOT REWARD THEM WITH WINE!
Hoping you have a trigger and craving free day!
Love,
Sober at 53
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Day 100!! My 100 day Blog Party!
May 17, 2016
Day 100
Hello!
Drumroll please.....DAY 100!!!!
Because I am a secret quitter I have to celebrate here as nobody in real life knows to throw me a party! hahaha!
I am so excited to have made it this far! I never thought I could do it...but I did! I feel like there should be cake and fireworks!
But, I know that I am still not "safe" with a 100 sober days under my belt. I am not fooling myself.
I heard this quote on The Bubble Hour that resonated with me...it helps to keep me going:
"I am only one drink away from ground zero."
It is so true. One drink would wipe away my success..because one drink would NEVER be enough for me.
It is interesting, because I can now think that I will never drink again (most of the time anyway!). I still like to count days. I like to "see" my success. But, I try to picture myself in the future as a sober person. (A skinny sober person). I hate to rush my life, but I just want to get this whole drinking/quitting thing over with already! (hmmm....do you think that I should work on patience? After all, it is a virtue.)
My goals:
I want to get through all of the "firsts." (Someone please remind me of this when I am complaining as I am scared for my first sober summer!)
I want to go one day without even thinking about a drink (I hope that does not require me to be in a comatose state!)
I want to be able to learn how to deal with my feelings...properly (is there really such a thing? I am going to find out!)
I still have to lose that dang 20 lbs. 100 days and NADA! The scale hasn't budged. But somehow, my jeans fit me better?
I want to make a list of all of the great advice I get from the sobersvere so I can help someone else.
(that is going to be a very long list!)
And one of my "fun" things to do with this blog is to see the countries where people that read my blog are from. (Don't worry, there are no names, cities, etc. You are anonymous!) Someone read my blog from a country that I never even heard of! I had to get out the old globe!(I really just googled it and learned a lot about a country that I've never heard of! Watch out Jeopardy!)
I am happy today. Very happy. Pink Cloud happy.
Thank you for coming to my Day 100 blog party!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 100
Hello!
Drumroll please.....DAY 100!!!!
Because I am a secret quitter I have to celebrate here as nobody in real life knows to throw me a party! hahaha!
I am so excited to have made it this far! I never thought I could do it...but I did! I feel like there should be cake and fireworks!
But, I know that I am still not "safe" with a 100 sober days under my belt. I am not fooling myself.
I heard this quote on The Bubble Hour that resonated with me...it helps to keep me going:
"I am only one drink away from ground zero."
It is so true. One drink would wipe away my success..because one drink would NEVER be enough for me.
It is interesting, because I can now think that I will never drink again (most of the time anyway!). I still like to count days. I like to "see" my success. But, I try to picture myself in the future as a sober person. (A skinny sober person). I hate to rush my life, but I just want to get this whole drinking/quitting thing over with already! (hmmm....do you think that I should work on patience? After all, it is a virtue.)
My goals:
I want to get through all of the "firsts." (Someone please remind me of this when I am complaining as I am scared for my first sober summer!)
I want to go one day without even thinking about a drink (I hope that does not require me to be in a comatose state!)
I want to be able to learn how to deal with my feelings...properly (is there really such a thing? I am going to find out!)
I still have to lose that dang 20 lbs. 100 days and NADA! The scale hasn't budged. But somehow, my jeans fit me better?
I want to make a list of all of the great advice I get from the sobersvere so I can help someone else.
(that is going to be a very long list!)
And one of my "fun" things to do with this blog is to see the countries where people that read my blog are from. (Don't worry, there are no names, cities, etc. You are anonymous!) Someone read my blog from a country that I never even heard of! I had to get out the old globe!(I really just googled it and learned a lot about a country that I've never heard of! Watch out Jeopardy!)
I am happy today. Very happy. Pink Cloud happy.
Thank you for coming to my Day 100 blog party!
Love,
Sober at 53
Monday, May 16, 2016
Day 99 - Last day in double digits!
May 16, 2016
Day 99
Hello!
Well, today is my very last day in the double digit number days of sobriety...hopefully forever! I cannot wait to get over this whole "quitting" thing. It is almost as time consuming as drinking was. But, I need the online support I get from reading all of the blogs, listening to the Bubble Hour and reading books about sobriety.
I am very much looking forward to tomorrow where I will turn the corner and enter the triple digit number of days! I can't wait to read the 100 day posts of those that are ahead of me!
I think tomorrow I will also read my blog in its entirety to remind myself how far I've come!
I know this sounds really strange, but it really is a surreal feeling being at Day 99. I never could've imagined it. I feel like that tomorrow, when I reach 100 days, I will be different! I know I am still in the early stages and there will still be cravings and triggers...and I still have a lot of work to do on how I deal with things. But, mentally, I will be different. I will have made it to a place that I NEVER thought I could get to. Remember....this time is the only time I've ever made it past a Day 1 in 10+ years!!!
I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!! (old Helen Reddy song for you young ones!)
So, today is a big turning point for me! Tomorrow, I'll be another day older!!! hahaha!
Wishing you a great day!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 99
Hello!
Well, today is my very last day in the double digit number days of sobriety...hopefully forever! I cannot wait to get over this whole "quitting" thing. It is almost as time consuming as drinking was. But, I need the online support I get from reading all of the blogs, listening to the Bubble Hour and reading books about sobriety.
I am very much looking forward to tomorrow where I will turn the corner and enter the triple digit number of days! I can't wait to read the 100 day posts of those that are ahead of me!
I think tomorrow I will also read my blog in its entirety to remind myself how far I've come!
I know this sounds really strange, but it really is a surreal feeling being at Day 99. I never could've imagined it. I feel like that tomorrow, when I reach 100 days, I will be different! I know I am still in the early stages and there will still be cravings and triggers...and I still have a lot of work to do on how I deal with things. But, mentally, I will be different. I will have made it to a place that I NEVER thought I could get to. Remember....this time is the only time I've ever made it past a Day 1 in 10+ years!!!
I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!! (old Helen Reddy song for you young ones!)
So, today is a big turning point for me! Tomorrow, I'll be another day older!!! hahaha!
Wishing you a great day!
Love,
Sober at 53
Friday, May 13, 2016
Day 95 - Secret Quitter
May 12, 2016
Day 95
Hello!
I read a blog by "Find a Sober Miracle." The other day she wrote a blog entitled Paranoia, which was about blogging anonymously (and it was quite humorous). The comments that followed that post showed that many of us do just that. My comment had the word "secret quitter" in it. Because that is what I am...a secret quitter. I was a secret drinker that has turned into a secret quitter.
And guess what? That secret bit me in the arse tonight!!!
I was at my book club mtg. which happened to be at my best friends house. (and no, she doesn't even know about my secret quitting, nor did she know about how much I drank secretly at home each night!) I have been in the same book club for 18 years! True to form, our book club, revolves around a lot of wine! We do have great book club discussions though!
The hostess and I had this exchange when I arrived:
Hostess: Have a glass of wine.
Me: No, thank you. I'll have something else.
Hostess: But I bought you your favorite cabernet.
Me: That was so nice of you, but I don't feel like drinking right now.
Hostess: Come on, just have a glass. I bought this for you! I know how much you like it!
Me (as I want to run out of her house!) There are a lot of people here who love Cabernet. I'm sure it will get drank!
Hostess: Well..ok.. (and I could tell she was a bit hurt)
I wish I could've just shouted "PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I AM NOT DRINKING ANYMORE! I HAD A PROBLEM AND I AM WORKING ON IT!"
But, because I'm a "secret quitter" I couldn't say that! I couldn't say anything!
I had heard on a Bubble Hour podcast that when you go to someone's house always bring your own drink so it wouldn't be a problem. I brought my SWELL bottle filled with peppermint tea. It was no biggie. But, I did get asked why i brought my own tea! I made us some BS excuse...Oh, I am trying to get hooked on herbal teas to cut down on my Equal habit in my morning tea." I really couldn't have come up with a worse reason! That is how I am on the fly! NOT GOOD!
So, this secret quitter thing is hard! At first I felt empowered by being a secret quitter. Then I felt isolated. Now I feel frustrated...I need to get back to that empowered feeling!
Maybe I don't want anyone to know how weak I was? That I drowned my evenings in Cabernet? That I haven't dealt with my emotions for a long time because I drank too much? I just don't want to come clean. But, it is hard without the support in real life. But, I don't want the stigma attached to me about being an alcohol addict. I don't want anyone to know how bad I was!!!
I guess I have to keep pushing on and knowing that because I made the decision to be a secret quitter, then I have to just deal with that and the situations that come up!
Wishing you an easy "secret quitter" life!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 95
Hello!
I read a blog by "Find a Sober Miracle." The other day she wrote a blog entitled Paranoia, which was about blogging anonymously (and it was quite humorous). The comments that followed that post showed that many of us do just that. My comment had the word "secret quitter" in it. Because that is what I am...a secret quitter. I was a secret drinker that has turned into a secret quitter.
And guess what? That secret bit me in the arse tonight!!!
I was at my book club mtg. which happened to be at my best friends house. (and no, she doesn't even know about my secret quitting, nor did she know about how much I drank secretly at home each night!) I have been in the same book club for 18 years! True to form, our book club, revolves around a lot of wine! We do have great book club discussions though!
The hostess and I had this exchange when I arrived:
Hostess: Have a glass of wine.
Me: No, thank you. I'll have something else.
Hostess: But I bought you your favorite cabernet.
Me: That was so nice of you, but I don't feel like drinking right now.
Hostess: Come on, just have a glass. I bought this for you! I know how much you like it!
Me (as I want to run out of her house!) There are a lot of people here who love Cabernet. I'm sure it will get drank!
Hostess: Well..ok.. (and I could tell she was a bit hurt)
I wish I could've just shouted "PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I AM NOT DRINKING ANYMORE! I HAD A PROBLEM AND I AM WORKING ON IT!"
But, because I'm a "secret quitter" I couldn't say that! I couldn't say anything!
I had heard on a Bubble Hour podcast that when you go to someone's house always bring your own drink so it wouldn't be a problem. I brought my SWELL bottle filled with peppermint tea. It was no biggie. But, I did get asked why i brought my own tea! I made us some BS excuse...Oh, I am trying to get hooked on herbal teas to cut down on my Equal habit in my morning tea." I really couldn't have come up with a worse reason! That is how I am on the fly! NOT GOOD!
So, this secret quitter thing is hard! At first I felt empowered by being a secret quitter. Then I felt isolated. Now I feel frustrated...I need to get back to that empowered feeling!
Maybe I don't want anyone to know how weak I was? That I drowned my evenings in Cabernet? That I haven't dealt with my emotions for a long time because I drank too much? I just don't want to come clean. But, it is hard without the support in real life. But, I don't want the stigma attached to me about being an alcohol addict. I don't want anyone to know how bad I was!!!
I guess I have to keep pushing on and knowing that because I made the decision to be a secret quitter, then I have to just deal with that and the situations that come up!
Wishing you an easy "secret quitter" life!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Day 94 - The Impossible
May 11, 2016
Day 94
Hello!
I heard this quote today by the comedienne Tina Fey and it reminded me of drinking and sobriety. (I am concerned that every "quote" I come across I can somehow relate to either drinking or sobriety! I think I might need to work on changing that!)
Day 94
Hello!
I heard this quote today by the comedienne Tina Fey and it reminded me of drinking and sobriety. (I am concerned that every "quote" I come across I can somehow relate to either drinking or sobriety! I think I might need to work on changing that!)
You go through big
chunks of time where you're
just thinking,
'THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE
-----------OH THIS IS-----------
IMPOSSIBLE'
And then you just keep going
and keep going, and you sort
of do the impossible.
That is me, and so many of us. Drinking for years and trying to quit many, many times but not being successful because we thought it was too hard or impossible! But, then, one day, after one of our many attempts at putting down the bottle, we succeed! We start to accomplish the impossible!
If you are just starting out on your journey, keep going and going and going. No matter how many times it takes. Eventually, you will sort it out. And if that means you need help to do so, get it! That is the part of "keep going." You have to sometimes try different avenues. Ask for help. Go to a recovery program. Blog. Do whatever it is you need to do to keep going so you get to the other side of the Impossible!!! And, you may have to do it all!
And for those that are well on their way to the other side of Impossible, keep doing what you are doing. And, if you get stuck, ask for help. You are already well on your way! Keep the momentum going..show yourself that you can overcome the impossible! (I am going to hold onto this as I have no bigger critic of myself than me!) And, please share your success stories with those that are struggling. While misery does love company, so does happiness!
Hoping you keep going and going!
Love,
Sober at 53
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Day 90 - Not me this time!
May 7, 2016
Day 90
Hello!
Yesterday was my oldest child's graduation from college! It was a beautiful day! Lots of happy tears were shed (by me). It was such a celebratory day. And I wanted to celebrate...with wine! Badly! But...I had a few mocktails and made it thru the day!
That night we had a late dinner with one of my sons friends family. I had only ever met the friend and never his family. We had to wait a half an hour at the bar before our table was ready (and this was after a reservation that was made 2 months ago!). Again, I had a mocktail and an AF beer. I was ok. The mom asked me what I was drinking and I explained that I liked the taste of alcohol but I don't like how it makes me feel so I stick to AF drinks! Of course she was drinking my favorite...red wine! Which I was trying hard not to longingly look at!
At dinner, the wine was flowing...I think they went through 5 bottles of red (only 2 out of 11 of us weren't drinking...me and my daughter). Well, the mom of the friend drank too much and had to leave before dinner was over! She could barely stand up without wobbling! One of her kids had to call her an Uber and take her back to her hotel! In all fairness to her she didn't eat a lot at dinner. BUT...all I kept thinking was "IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME!" I looked at this woman and saw the old me. I feel badly for her because she's probably going to be embarrassed in the morning and she's going to have a hangover. I don't judge her...I feel for her. And I fell so happy that "IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME!"
And...its Day 90 for me! Woohoo!!
Hoping you have a lot of "IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME" days!
Love,
Sober st 53
Day 90
Hello!
Yesterday was my oldest child's graduation from college! It was a beautiful day! Lots of happy tears were shed (by me). It was such a celebratory day. And I wanted to celebrate...with wine! Badly! But...I had a few mocktails and made it thru the day!
That night we had a late dinner with one of my sons friends family. I had only ever met the friend and never his family. We had to wait a half an hour at the bar before our table was ready (and this was after a reservation that was made 2 months ago!). Again, I had a mocktail and an AF beer. I was ok. The mom asked me what I was drinking and I explained that I liked the taste of alcohol but I don't like how it makes me feel so I stick to AF drinks! Of course she was drinking my favorite...red wine! Which I was trying hard not to longingly look at!
At dinner, the wine was flowing...I think they went through 5 bottles of red (only 2 out of 11 of us weren't drinking...me and my daughter). Well, the mom of the friend drank too much and had to leave before dinner was over! She could barely stand up without wobbling! One of her kids had to call her an Uber and take her back to her hotel! In all fairness to her she didn't eat a lot at dinner. BUT...all I kept thinking was "IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME!" I looked at this woman and saw the old me. I feel badly for her because she's probably going to be embarrassed in the morning and she's going to have a hangover. I don't judge her...I feel for her. And I fell so happy that "IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME!"
And...its Day 90 for me! Woohoo!!
Hoping you have a lot of "IT'S NOT ME THIS TIME" days!
Love,
Sober st 53
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Day 88 - Vacation Pregnancy!
May 5, 2016
Day 88
Hello!
Happy Cinco de Mayo...NOT!
We are in Miami for my sons college graduation tomorrow.
This is my 3rd time away since I quit drinking.
The first time was a novelty...while nervous, I was all "cheerleader like" with rooting myself on for not drinking....but I let myself smoke cigs. I needed a reward for my good behavior!
The second time, while hard, I was with my SIL whose been sober for 5+ years so I told her about me and that gave me some ownership...and, I also let myself smoke!
This time is really really hard! And, I am not smoking...haven't since that last vacation! I digress...today we went for lunch to what we thought was a Brazilian restaurant. As luck would have it, it was a Mexican restaurant and it is Cinco de Mayo! Every single table had beautiful large margarita glasses on them...giant glasses! Now, that was never my drink! But I still wanted one! Funny, how I was only a red wine drinker and now I think I would drink anything with alcohol in it! We decided to stay because I thought I could get through it. I asked for an AF beer and they didn't have any...the waiter told me hardly anybody asks for one so they discontinued carrying it because it took up too much space at the bar! The stupid waiter then asked me, after our AF beer conversation, If he could get me a margarita! Really? WTF? I just asked you for an AF BEER! Why in hell would I want a margarita?!?!?! I think that started my downward spiral! I had to go to the old standard...seltzer water. My husband had 2 margaritas. I was really struggling...thus, I overate and now my stomach hurts (and we have a dinner planned for tonight) and I was crabby! Once again, I felt left out! And I was pissed at that waiter!
We walked back to our hotel and it is gorgeous weather. It was hard to stay upset. On our walk back I spotted a pregnant woman. And I thought to myself.."she's like me...she can't drink!" So, now, when I go out to a restaurant I am just going to say I'm pregnant!!! That should raise a few eyebrows! I am going to have some fun with this! I'm 53 but don't look a day over 45! Hahaha! And I will have my 3 kids (22, 20, 17) with me! This is going to be fun! I will report back with reactions! And I'm not going to tell my kids that I'm doing this! The look of shock they will register will be so funny!
That stupid waiter! Now he has me resorting to a pretend pregnancy!!! I know this will get old fast but it makes me laugh to think about doing it! Vacation pregnancy!! Turning that negative into a positive!
I am also laughing because I keep thinking of other "creative" ways to throw off those people that are like my stupid waiter!
(And no offense to anyone who has any of these ailments!)
Sorry, I can't have alcohol because I have a bad yeast infection and alcohol makes it itch more!
Sorry, no alcoholic beverage for me! I am using toenail fungus medication and it has an interaction with alcohol!
None for me thanks, I have a bad case of diarrhea tonight! Oh..and can you please tell me where the ladies room is?
You get my drift!
Please send me some pretend vacation pregnancy vibes and pray I don't get a yeast infection, toenail fungus or diarrhea!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 88
Hello!
Happy Cinco de Mayo...NOT!
We are in Miami for my sons college graduation tomorrow.
This is my 3rd time away since I quit drinking.
The first time was a novelty...while nervous, I was all "cheerleader like" with rooting myself on for not drinking....but I let myself smoke cigs. I needed a reward for my good behavior!
The second time, while hard, I was with my SIL whose been sober for 5+ years so I told her about me and that gave me some ownership...and, I also let myself smoke!
This time is really really hard! And, I am not smoking...haven't since that last vacation! I digress...today we went for lunch to what we thought was a Brazilian restaurant. As luck would have it, it was a Mexican restaurant and it is Cinco de Mayo! Every single table had beautiful large margarita glasses on them...giant glasses! Now, that was never my drink! But I still wanted one! Funny, how I was only a red wine drinker and now I think I would drink anything with alcohol in it! We decided to stay because I thought I could get through it. I asked for an AF beer and they didn't have any...the waiter told me hardly anybody asks for one so they discontinued carrying it because it took up too much space at the bar! The stupid waiter then asked me, after our AF beer conversation, If he could get me a margarita! Really? WTF? I just asked you for an AF BEER! Why in hell would I want a margarita?!?!?! I think that started my downward spiral! I had to go to the old standard...seltzer water. My husband had 2 margaritas. I was really struggling...thus, I overate and now my stomach hurts (and we have a dinner planned for tonight) and I was crabby! Once again, I felt left out! And I was pissed at that waiter!
We walked back to our hotel and it is gorgeous weather. It was hard to stay upset. On our walk back I spotted a pregnant woman. And I thought to myself.."she's like me...she can't drink!" So, now, when I go out to a restaurant I am just going to say I'm pregnant!!! That should raise a few eyebrows! I am going to have some fun with this! I'm 53 but don't look a day over 45! Hahaha! And I will have my 3 kids (22, 20, 17) with me! This is going to be fun! I will report back with reactions! And I'm not going to tell my kids that I'm doing this! The look of shock they will register will be so funny!
That stupid waiter! Now he has me resorting to a pretend pregnancy!!! I know this will get old fast but it makes me laugh to think about doing it! Vacation pregnancy!! Turning that negative into a positive!
I am also laughing because I keep thinking of other "creative" ways to throw off those people that are like my stupid waiter!
(And no offense to anyone who has any of these ailments!)
Sorry, I can't have alcohol because I have a bad yeast infection and alcohol makes it itch more!
Sorry, no alcoholic beverage for me! I am using toenail fungus medication and it has an interaction with alcohol!
None for me thanks, I have a bad case of diarrhea tonight! Oh..and can you please tell me where the ladies room is?
You get my drift!
Please send me some pretend vacation pregnancy vibes and pray I don't get a yeast infection, toenail fungus or diarrhea!
Love,
Sober at 53
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Day 87 - Emotional Toolbox
May 4, 2016
Day 87
Hello!
For me, one of the most difficult things about quitting drinking has been having to deal with all of those negative emotions and feelings that I had masked with wine. (Happy feelings are not requiring any work at this time!) Sometimes, I almost feel like my emotional being has been stunted. It's been 10+ years of heavy drinking...so that means 10+ years of no emotional growth. Sometimes I feel like my kids can deal better than I do! (Can I think that I gave them the skills? I am going with that! hahaha) I seemed to have forgotten how to handle them...that is, if I had really known!
So, now all of my family and friends, and sometimes strangers have to deal with a 53 year old BABY! Seriously! I am working so very hard on not going to the depths of despair when I am sad or depressed, not blowing up when I am angry (this one is VERY hard for me) not be harsh on MYSELF with judgement, not letting my self feel victimized because I can't drink, recognizing my anxiety so I can prevent some of these negative emotions.
I am a work in progress!!! It is a very slow path forward. But, I have found a few things that are helping me...and I am looking for more so post away!!! Please!
Sober53's Emotional Toolbox:
1. Going to a therapist. I go once a week. I talk about things that happened during the week. For example, blowing up at Mr. Soberat53 because he left a glass of wine in my plain sight on a Friday night. Usually I have no problem with this. But last Friday night, when I came in and saw it I lost my mind. Therapist explained that Mr. Soberat53 was probably confused as I keep changing the rules and how is he to know? So, she suggested that a.) I make my anger about me and not yell at him for leaving the glass in plain sight, (me: How could you do that, knowing I am in early sobriety, it's a Friday night, yada, yada, yada) (Instead: Seeing that wine glass really bothered me. It made me feel like I wanted to pour myself one. It brought a lot of my drinking struggles to the surface) After all, how was he to know it would bother me when it hadn't before? and b.) Explain to him that sometimes I am fine with seeing the wine glass and sometimes I am not. Therefore, if he could keep it in a more discreet place then I wouldn't have to ever worry about seeing it.
2. Reading the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. I wrote a post about this. (https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7562529066027046102#editor/target=post;postID=312885625019780993;onPublishedMenu=posts;onClosedMenu=posts;postNum=9;src=postname)
Here is a recap:
Agreement 1: Be impeccable with your word.
Agreement 2: Don't take things personally
Agreement 3: Don't make assumptions
Agreement 3: Always do your best
I LOVE this book. And, I really try to use the agreements. It is so helpful. I wish you all could read it.
3. Sobermummy wrote a post on 3/25 quoting a poem "The Guest House" by Rumi. You know when you read a blog and something just really "clicks" for you? This did it for me. The poem is below. But you should really read her entire blogpost that day. For your reading pleasure..and I hope the link works, if not look up 3/25//2016, post entitled "Conscious Uncoupling" (http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/2016/03/conscious-uncoupling.html)
When I am experiencing a negative emotion I remember this poem and just let it in. I sit with it and ruminate about it and am able to make a plan of action (most times anyway!)
The Guest House - Rumi
Now that I have some tools in my emotional tool box I am trying hard to "just sit" with whatever emotions I am currently experiencing. I LOVE having things to help me out. And, just for the record, I am NOT always successful! Sometimes these emotions just suck and I handle myself poorly! I am a work in progress!!! Just ask Mr. Soberat53!!!!
What is in your emotional toolbox?
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 87
Hello!
For me, one of the most difficult things about quitting drinking has been having to deal with all of those negative emotions and feelings that I had masked with wine. (Happy feelings are not requiring any work at this time!) Sometimes, I almost feel like my emotional being has been stunted. It's been 10+ years of heavy drinking...so that means 10+ years of no emotional growth. Sometimes I feel like my kids can deal better than I do! (Can I think that I gave them the skills? I am going with that! hahaha) I seemed to have forgotten how to handle them...that is, if I had really known!
So, now all of my family and friends, and sometimes strangers have to deal with a 53 year old BABY! Seriously! I am working so very hard on not going to the depths of despair when I am sad or depressed, not blowing up when I am angry (this one is VERY hard for me) not be harsh on MYSELF with judgement, not letting my self feel victimized because I can't drink, recognizing my anxiety so I can prevent some of these negative emotions.
I am a work in progress!!! It is a very slow path forward. But, I have found a few things that are helping me...and I am looking for more so post away!!! Please!
Sober53's Emotional Toolbox:
1. Going to a therapist. I go once a week. I talk about things that happened during the week. For example, blowing up at Mr. Soberat53 because he left a glass of wine in my plain sight on a Friday night. Usually I have no problem with this. But last Friday night, when I came in and saw it I lost my mind. Therapist explained that Mr. Soberat53 was probably confused as I keep changing the rules and how is he to know? So, she suggested that a.) I make my anger about me and not yell at him for leaving the glass in plain sight, (me: How could you do that, knowing I am in early sobriety, it's a Friday night, yada, yada, yada) (Instead: Seeing that wine glass really bothered me. It made me feel like I wanted to pour myself one. It brought a lot of my drinking struggles to the surface) After all, how was he to know it would bother me when it hadn't before? and b.) Explain to him that sometimes I am fine with seeing the wine glass and sometimes I am not. Therefore, if he could keep it in a more discreet place then I wouldn't have to ever worry about seeing it.
2. Reading the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. I wrote a post about this. (https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7562529066027046102#editor/target=post;postID=312885625019780993;onPublishedMenu=posts;onClosedMenu=posts;postNum=9;src=postname)
Here is a recap:
Agreement 1: Be impeccable with your word.
Agreement 2: Don't take things personally
Agreement 3: Don't make assumptions
Agreement 3: Always do your best
I LOVE this book. And, I really try to use the agreements. It is so helpful. I wish you all could read it.
3. Sobermummy wrote a post on 3/25 quoting a poem "The Guest House" by Rumi. You know when you read a blog and something just really "clicks" for you? This did it for me. The poem is below. But you should really read her entire blogpost that day. For your reading pleasure..and I hope the link works, if not look up 3/25//2016, post entitled "Conscious Uncoupling" (http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/2016/03/conscious-uncoupling.html)
When I am experiencing a negative emotion I remember this poem and just let it in. I sit with it and ruminate about it and am able to make a plan of action (most times anyway!)
The Guest House - Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
Now that I have some tools in my emotional tool box I am trying hard to "just sit" with whatever emotions I am currently experiencing. I LOVE having things to help me out. And, just for the record, I am NOT always successful! Sometimes these emotions just suck and I handle myself poorly! I am a work in progress!!! Just ask Mr. Soberat53!!!!
What is in your emotional toolbox?
Love,
Sober at 53
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Day 84 - Feeling left out
May 1, 2016
Day 84
Hello!
Yesterday I ran in a local race with a group of about 20 friends...some besties, some acquatainces. It was a a tutu race for a local charity. 1000 people in tutu's..over our running clothes of course! It was on the ocean, only 2.2 miles, cool temperature (a little too cool!). Most of our group of 20 walked the course. One of my girlfriends and I ran it.
Why did I run it? Not because I am any kind of great runner. I ran it because the race ended at a beer garden and I wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as I could without any questions! I also didn't carpool with any of our group because I wanted to have my own car so I could leave. I told my group that I would be leaving afterwards because I had something to do for my daughter. Which was the truth, but I honestly could've stayed. I just didn't want to go to the beer garden. First off, beer was not my drink, but in a huge party atmosphere I know it didn't matter what the booze was! The first beer was free too! It was also 10 am (you would be surprised how many people can drink a beer at that time!..I would've too!)
I had it all well planned out...no questions asked. I was proud of myself for planning ahead. BUT...when I saw all of the pictures of the beer garden on Facebook that my friends posted, I felt so left out. I was so sad and angry at myself at the same time! I seem to keep coming back to asking myself "how the hell did I let myself get here that I can't drink!!!" Am I going to have to avoid these kinds of events FOREVER? I literally missed having a fun experience with my girlfriends. I missed being part of that memory that they will always share and I won't. They all had such a good time....and they only each had 1 beer. I would've had WAY more. I feel so left out...
Hoping you don't feel left out because you are sober!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 84
Hello!
Yesterday I ran in a local race with a group of about 20 friends...some besties, some acquatainces. It was a a tutu race for a local charity. 1000 people in tutu's..over our running clothes of course! It was on the ocean, only 2.2 miles, cool temperature (a little too cool!). Most of our group of 20 walked the course. One of my girlfriends and I ran it.
Why did I run it? Not because I am any kind of great runner. I ran it because the race ended at a beer garden and I wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as I could without any questions! I also didn't carpool with any of our group because I wanted to have my own car so I could leave. I told my group that I would be leaving afterwards because I had something to do for my daughter. Which was the truth, but I honestly could've stayed. I just didn't want to go to the beer garden. First off, beer was not my drink, but in a huge party atmosphere I know it didn't matter what the booze was! The first beer was free too! It was also 10 am (you would be surprised how many people can drink a beer at that time!..I would've too!)
I had it all well planned out...no questions asked. I was proud of myself for planning ahead. BUT...when I saw all of the pictures of the beer garden on Facebook that my friends posted, I felt so left out. I was so sad and angry at myself at the same time! I seem to keep coming back to asking myself "how the hell did I let myself get here that I can't drink!!!" Am I going to have to avoid these kinds of events FOREVER? I literally missed having a fun experience with my girlfriends. I missed being part of that memory that they will always share and I won't. They all had such a good time....and they only each had 1 beer. I would've had WAY more. I feel so left out...
Hoping you don't feel left out because you are sober!
Love,
Sober at 53
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