May 19, 2016
A 17 year old boy in my town passed away unexpectedly on Sunday. I am so shaken up about it. He was to graduate HS this Friday. I did not know him or his family. It got me to thinking about if something like that would make me go back to drinking. I think it would. I hope to never find out. It also got me thinking that that boys family now views the world differently. When they now look out their window, their world is different. Horribly different. Nothing is the same. Nor will it ever be the same as it was on Saturday for that family.
I remember when on October 8, 2004, at 41 years of age, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My world was rocked. When I looked out my window, my world was different. Nothing was the same. Of course not in the same way as the family who lost their son, but it was different. My world had changed. I no longer had the same view out that window as I had had on October 7, 2004. My view was isolating. I felt alone...I felt that only I had the bad view while everyone else looking out that same window had a different and better view.
How does this correlate to sobriety? Well, for me, when I quit drinking 102 days ago on February 8, 2016, the view out my window changed for me. But, it changed in a good way. Unlike the two very life altering examples above, our views out our windows can also become more beautiful...even sometimes with life altering changes...like sobriety.
It took sobriety to make me see that the view I had out my window when I was drinking was a very bad view. In hindsight, the scenery was foggy. It was like looking through a prism glass. There was no clarity. It was grey. After I conquered (very difficultly I might add!) my first week of sobriety...BAM!!! the view out my window changed. It was no longer foggy. It was clear. It was colorful. It was vibrant. But, it was, and still is isolating. But not in a bad way. Maybe it's because I am a secret quitter and it feels a bit strange that I can't talk with anyone about my new view? I feel like I am in a bubble. while looking out that window. Not a bubble that is waiting to be popped, but inside a bubble that only I can see out. It is a surreal feeling if that makes any sense.
So, while my new view out my window is much clearer, it is still isolating. I think that means that I still have a lot of work to do on getting my view out that window in even better focus. Maybe I will have to share my secret with others . I think for now, I kind of don't mind being in that bubble...as long as the view is still clear.
Hoping you have a great view out your window!
Sober at 53