May 12, 2016
I read a blog by "Find a Sober Miracle." The other day she wrote a blog entitled Paranoia, which was about blogging anonymously (and it was quite humorous). The comments that followed that post showed that many of us do just that. My comment had the word "secret quitter" in it. Because that is what I am...a secret quitter. I was a secret drinker that has turned into a secret quitter.
And guess what? That secret bit me in the arse tonight!!!
I was at my book club mtg. which happened to be at my best friends house. (and no, she doesn't even know about my secret quitting, nor did she know about how much I drank secretly at home each night!) I have been in the same book club for 18 years! True to form, our book club, revolves around a lot of wine! We do have great book club discussions though!
The hostess and I had this exchange when I arrived:
Hostess: Have a glass of wine.
Me: No, thank you. I'll have something else.
Hostess: But I bought you your favorite cabernet.
Me: That was so nice of you, but I don't feel like drinking right now.
Hostess: Come on, just have a glass. I bought this for you! I know how much you like it!
Me (as I want to run out of her house!) There are a lot of people here who love Cabernet. I'm sure it will get drank!
Hostess: Well..ok.. (and I could tell she was a bit hurt)
I wish I could've just shouted "PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I AM NOT DRINKING ANYMORE! I HAD A PROBLEM AND I AM WORKING ON IT!"
But, because I'm a "secret quitter" I couldn't say that! I couldn't say anything!
I had heard on a Bubble Hour podcast that when you go to someone's house always bring your own drink so it wouldn't be a problem. I brought my SWELL bottle filled with peppermint tea. It was no biggie. But, I did get asked why i brought my own tea! I made us some BS excuse...Oh, I am trying to get hooked on herbal teas to cut down on my Equal habit in my morning tea." I really couldn't have come up with a worse reason! That is how I am on the fly! NOT GOOD!
So, this secret quitter thing is hard! At first I felt empowered by being a secret quitter. Then I felt isolated. Now I feel frustrated...I need to get back to that empowered feeling!
Maybe I don't want anyone to know how weak I was? That I drowned my evenings in Cabernet? That I haven't dealt with my emotions for a long time because I drank too much? I just don't want to come clean. But, it is hard without the support in real life. But, I don't want the stigma attached to me about being an alcohol addict. I don't want anyone to know how bad I was!!!
I guess I have to keep pushing on and knowing that because I made the decision to be a secret quitter, then I have to just deal with that and the situations that come up!
Wishing you an easy "secret quitter" life!!
Sober at 53