May 19, 2016
Day 102
Hello!
A 17 year old boy in my town passed away unexpectedly on Sunday. I am so shaken up about it. He was to graduate HS this Friday. I did not know him or his family. It got me to thinking about if something like that would make me go back to drinking. I think it would. I hope to never find out. It also got me thinking that that boys family now views the world differently. When they now look out their window, their world is different. Horribly different. Nothing is the same. Nor will it ever be the same as it was on Saturday for that family.
I remember when on October 8, 2004, at 41 years of age, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My world was rocked. When I looked out my window, my world was different. Nothing was the same. Of course not in the same way as the family who lost their son, but it was different. My world had changed. I no longer had the same view out that window as I had had on October 7, 2004. My view was isolating. I felt alone...I felt that only I had the bad view while everyone else looking out that same window had a different and better view.
How does this correlate to sobriety? Well, for me, when I quit drinking 102 days ago on February 8, 2016, the view out my window changed for me. But, it changed in a good way. Unlike the two very life altering examples above, our views out our windows can also become more beautiful...even sometimes with life altering changes...like sobriety.
It took sobriety to make me see that the view I had out my window when I was drinking was a very bad view. In hindsight, the scenery was foggy. It was like looking through a prism glass. There was no clarity. It was grey. After I conquered (very difficultly I might add!) my first week of sobriety...BAM!!! the view out my window changed. It was no longer foggy. It was clear. It was colorful. It was vibrant. But, it was, and still is isolating. But not in a bad way. Maybe it's because I am a secret quitter and it feels a bit strange that I can't talk with anyone about my new view? I feel like I am in a bubble. while looking out that window. Not a bubble that is waiting to be popped, but inside a bubble that only I can see out. It is a surreal feeling if that makes any sense.
So, while my new view out my window is much clearer, it is still isolating. I think that means that I still have a lot of work to do on getting my view out that window in even better focus. Maybe I will have to share my secret with others . I think for now, I kind of don't mind being in that bubble...as long as the view is still clear.
Hoping you have a great view out your window!
Love,
Sober at 53
I'm so sad to hear about the 17 year old boy passing away. So sad. I can't imagine what there view is outside their window. It will never be the same again. Does your husband know you have quit? Can you talk to him about it? I know what you mean about being lonely. I feel it too. Congrats on day 102! A x
ReplyDeleteOh that's so awful. When I got diagnosed with cancer, I always thought 'at least my children are healthy. If anything happened to them it would be far worse.'
ReplyDeleteI understand the isolation thing. I've wrestled with it too, as you know. I've been coming out gradually, which - like getting sober - is hard, but good too.... Baby steps xxx
That is so sad, awful, his poor family and friends.
ReplyDeleteOh this is a hard post to read. I'm glad you wrote it. You beautifully articulated what that family might be feeling. Any form of injury to my children would put my sobriety at severe risk. As for isolation, it seems that a lot of us feel that. If only we all lived in the same town. Some are exploring meetings soon. I plan to try one over the summer. You are so not alone. We're all here.
ReplyDeleteWhat sad news....and I know that I, at least, keep needing such whomps up the head to remember to be grateful for all the good in my life.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of your post.....I found thoughtful and well-put. But for me.....I'm kind of embracing the solitude of what I'm doing. I really do know what a big thing this is, what I am accomplishing. That's enough for me. And no one else is going to 'get it'...so why let them in to my enjoyable secret? (I have mentioned that I told my daughter..but a sentence or two and we moved on...again, dont know if my kids were concerned, but I don't know if they had any idea of HOW MUCH I was consuming...)
I am definitely in isolation mode. This is my world where I can escape to. Then, I can put it aside and focus on the rest of my life as I need to. Not sure I'm ready to share it yet. I really like my view out my clean window, though. Great analogy!
ReplyDeleteWhat a sad post but a very thought provoking one too. I'd never thought about the view out of my window before. I didn't have any view when I was drinking but i can see one now. Thank you for reminding me to look out. X
ReplyDeleteI am brand new... quitting tomorrow. I have had periods of sobriety.. and relate to so much you have written. Being a secret quitter... and dealing with life and the tragedies that go along with it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck ST!!! You can do this! I am here for you!!! xo
DeleteDear Sober at 53,
ReplyDeleteLove looking out the window.
Thank you for sharing another part of your story.
xo
Wendy