May 1, 2016
Day 84
Hello!
Yesterday I ran in a local race with a group of about 20 friends...some besties, some acquatainces. It was a a tutu race for a local charity. 1000 people in tutu's..over our running clothes of course! It was on the ocean, only 2.2 miles, cool temperature (a little too cool!). Most of our group of 20 walked the course. One of my girlfriends and I ran it.
Why did I run it? Not because I am any kind of great runner. I ran it because the race ended at a beer garden and I wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as I could without any questions! I also didn't carpool with any of our group because I wanted to have my own car so I could leave. I told my group that I would be leaving afterwards because I had something to do for my daughter. Which was the truth, but I honestly could've stayed. I just didn't want to go to the beer garden. First off, beer was not my drink, but in a huge party atmosphere I know it didn't matter what the booze was! The first beer was free too! It was also 10 am (you would be surprised how many people can drink a beer at that time!..I would've too!)
I had it all well planned out...no questions asked. I was proud of myself for planning ahead. BUT...when I saw all of the pictures of the beer garden on Facebook that my friends posted, I felt so left out. I was so sad and angry at myself at the same time! I seem to keep coming back to asking myself "how the hell did I let myself get here that I can't drink!!!" Am I going to have to avoid these kinds of events FOREVER? I literally missed having a fun experience with my girlfriends. I missed being part of that memory that they will always share and I won't. They all had such a good time....and they only each had 1 beer. I would've had WAY more. I feel so left out...
Hoping you don't feel left out because you are sober!
Love,
Sober at 53
Face book can make me feel left out all the time.
ReplyDeleteDrives me nuts, and I drive myself nuts.
Remember it was only one event, and if your friends love you, they will still love you!!
You did great, having a great plan!
xo
Wendy
Wendy said it best. I too feel left out when looking at Facebook sometimes. There are a lot of upsides to Facebook but that's a major downside. Proud of you for preparing so well. Exit plans are so smart. You have a really positive outlook on sobriety and I bet that someday, you will want to attend that beer garden event and you'll feel great about drinking a sparkling water or an AF beer instead. But for now, you know your limits and you are honoring your boundaries really, really well.
ReplyDeleteI just wish you could give yourself a rousing 'well-done' with as much enthusiasm as you give to being down on yourself! This isn't easy! Every damned day, every damned occasion (prevailed over) deserves an internal cheer, a whoooo, me!!
ReplyDeleteWe're not to blame for where weve landed...its NOT will power (that we didnt have), is it brain makeup, brain chemicals...who the hell knows? But this is where we are at...
And the person who CHOOSES to do something to get out of a bad place...THAT person deserves a round of applause. So - clap, clap clap, from me to you!
Facebook can do that. You won't have to avoid things like that forever, if you go again next year I'm sure you will go to the beer garden and not even feel like a beer. You will be happy to be there with your friends and happy that you don't have to worry about the whole alcohol thing anymore! Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteJust remember that you aren't alone. You have just proactively addressed your issues. Thinking that you had a problem and everyone else there didn't and had fun is probably not entirely true. I agree with the first two comments...Facebook only shows us what those people want us to see. I am constantly baffled by how many people need to "show" the world they are happy, as if they are trying to prove something. Myself included sometimes! There are probably a lot of those people at the beer garden who are in the same boat we all are....they just haven't come face to face with it yet.
ReplyDelete