Friday, May 13, 2016

Day 95 - Secret Quitter

May 12, 2016
Day 95
Hello!

I read a blog by "Find a Sober Miracle."   The other day she wrote a blog entitled Paranoia,  which was about blogging anonymously (and it was quite humorous).  The comments that followed that post showed that many of us do just that.  My comment had the word "secret quitter" in it.  Because that is what I am...a secret quitter.  I was a secret drinker that has turned into a secret quitter.

And guess what?  That secret bit me in the arse tonight!!!

I was at my book club mtg. which happened to be at my best friends house.  (and no, she doesn't even know about my secret quitting,  nor did she know about how much I drank secretly at home each night!)  I have been in the same book club for 18 years!  True to form, our book club, revolves around a lot of wine!  We do have great book club discussions though!

The hostess and I had this exchange when I arrived:

Hostess:  Have a glass of wine.
Me:  No, thank you.  I'll have something else.
Hostess:  But I bought you your favorite cabernet.
Me:  That was so nice of you, but I don't feel like drinking right now.
Hostess:  Come on, just have a glass.  I bought this for you!  I know how much you like it!
Me (as I want to run out of her house!) There are a lot of people here who love Cabernet.  I'm sure it will get drank!
Hostess:  Well..ok.. (and I could tell she was a bit hurt)

I wish I could've just shouted "PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  I AM NOT DRINKING ANYMORE!  I HAD A PROBLEM AND I AM WORKING ON IT!"

But, because I'm a "secret quitter" I couldn't say that!  I couldn't say anything!
I had heard on a Bubble Hour podcast that when you go to someone's house always bring your own drink so it wouldn't be a problem.  I brought my SWELL bottle filled with peppermint tea.  It was no biggie.  But, I did get asked why i brought my own tea!  I made us some BS excuse...Oh, I am trying to get hooked on herbal teas to cut down on my Equal habit in my morning tea."  I really couldn't have come up with a worse reason!  That is how I am on the fly!  NOT GOOD!

So, this secret quitter thing is hard!  At first I felt empowered by being a secret quitter.  Then I felt isolated.  Now I feel frustrated...I need to get back to that empowered feeling!

Maybe I don't want anyone to know how weak I was?  That I drowned my evenings in Cabernet?  That I haven't dealt with my emotions for a long time because I drank too much?  I just don't want to come clean.  But, it is hard without the support in real life.  But, I don't want the stigma attached to me about being an alcohol addict.  I don't want anyone to know how bad I was!!!

I guess I have to keep pushing on and knowing that because I made the decision to be a secret quitter, then I have to just deal with that and the situations that come up!

Wishing you an easy "secret quitter" life!!

Love,
Sober at 53

15 comments:

  1. I'm kind of a secret quitter too. My family know I'm not drinking 'at the moment' and a few friends know too. But I haven't made a big announcement yet. I'm not sure if I will or not. So I feel pretty alone in this. I'm thinking of going to a meeting to find some in real life support. A x

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    1. I am not brave enough to show my face at a meeting. I tried once a few years ago and felt very uncomfortable. But, now that I have some experience with sobriety, it could be something I try again one day. xo

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  2. Secret drinker and quitter here too! It was enough for me to tell my husband everything as I'd been working up to that for at least a year. Boy oh boy did your friend unintentionally pressure you! Sounds like there was a lot behind what she was saying - sad that you're not joining her to drink and maybe a little envy about your strength. Congratulations on staying strong through that! I think so many are in the same boat. It's one thing to tell family but it can take a lot of time to go public with others. It's ok to wait or to never tell. Especially if it could jeopardize your progress.

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    1. I know she didn't mean it. I think she was surprised as I have never been known to be a teetotaler..until now...literally and figuratively! I even brought tea to her house! xo

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  3. Secret quitter here too. This is why this online universe is so helpful. I can spill my guts, get it off my chest, feel like I told my "secret" to the girlfriends without going through all the associated drama...the sideways looks, whisperings (even if done in a nice way), wonderings, etc.

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    1. It is sooooo nice to have the sober verse! It helped me so very very much!!! I get so much wonderful advice and I particularly love when someone is/has walked in my shoes! xo

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  4. Secret drinker and secret quitter here too. You were so strong to say no to your friend. I hope I have your strengh if im ever in a similar situation. I know you worry that you may have hurt her feelings but I bet she will not pressure you again.
    As a fellow secret quitter I dont want people to know I had/have a problem, therefore I dont want them to know my reason for quitting. However, I have found that if I tell people something like, I just dont want to drink. They just seem to accept that. strange eh. Some people do ask why and I shrug it off saying 'im over it' or 'it doesnt bother me' (what a joke right!) Most people dont say anything or say 'cool, I wish I could' :) The reality is most people really dont care if we dont drink. We as ex drinkers are much more sensitive to this. You are doing this for you and that is all that matters. In time if you want to tell more people (in real life) then do. This is your sobriety and it will be done your way. Big hugs.

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    1. I was very taken aback by her "pressure." I think she was just surprised! And I was surprised as well! I guess nobody likes when their "gift" is not accepted! xo

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  5. Secret drinker and secret quitter here too. You were so strong to say no to your friend. I hope I have your strengh if im ever in a similar situation. I know you worry that you may have hurt her feelings but I bet she will not pressure you again.
    As a fellow secret quitter I dont want people to know I had/have a problem, therefore I dont want them to know my reason for quitting. However, I have found that if I tell people something like, I just dont want to drink. They just seem to accept that. strange eh. Some people do ask why and I shrug it off saying 'im over it' or 'it doesnt bother me' (what a joke right!) Most people dont say anything or say 'cool, I wish I could' :) The reality is most people really dont care if we dont drink. We as ex drinkers are much more sensitive to this. You are doing this for you and that is all that matters. In time if you want to tell more people (in real life) then do. This is your sobriety and it will be done your way. Big hugs.

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  6. SD/SQ....me too, me too! Same thing...to understand why quitting is important, someone would have to know how much I was drinkng. And I'm not really anout to share that.

    And just whose business is it, anway? I thnk the only thing we can do is to be prepared with a script....for various invites/urgings/situations, etc. New diet? Tummy upset??

    One line I've been trying out (mentally) is: 'I decided to quit for a while.' And if asked 'why'...gearing mself up to say: 'Because I wasnt quitting...so it seemed like a good idea.'

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    1. Hi NW! I have practiced and practiced lines in my head and to my husband...but put the pressure on me and I just flub my lines! My line is "I quit for Lent and just never went back." OR "I love the test of alcohol but I don't like how it makes me feel." (the latter is really helpful when I am having an AF beer in public!) xo

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  7. It is only your business.
    This last time I told everyone because I needed to be accountable.
    But every person is different!
    I too am impressed that you stayed strong and said no!
    xo
    Wendy
    PS - 95 Days is excellent!

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    1. Thanks Wendy! I didn't even waiver. I went in to the mtg. knowing that I wasn't going to drink. I was just caught so off guard! It can be lonely holding this HUGE secret...but not as lonely as the secret of drinking too much! xo

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  8. I"ve been pretty quiet about quitting, too. I told a few people, but many people don't know. I've found that by now people who used to push drinks at me and were awkward about me saying no, like your friend, have got used to it. They're not even remotely curious now when I order a sparking water. This really does seem to be something that's different for different people, but being mostly secret works for me. Good to see you doing so well! xo

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    1. I hope people get used to it! I have a couples weekend away next week and there will be a lot of alcohol. These people aren't crazy drinkers but they plan on "partying" over the weekend! I will bring my AF beer! And use my line "I love the test of alcohol but I don't like how it makes me feel." This will explain the AF beer! xo

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