April 28, 2016
Day 81
Hello!
I have a very good friend whom also drinks too much and is struggling getting to sobriety. She also has had a lot of Day 1's. She decided to go the Addiction Specialist route. Today was her first appointment...it was a 3 hour appt. The Addiction Specialist (AS) works in a way that I had never considered...thus, it made me wonder if my "white knuckling" it will ultimately be successful (I am VERY hopeful that it will!) The AS explained to my friend that when you excessively drink, you are using the alcohol to medicate your problems. If you work on your problems, and ultimately get rid of them there will be no need for you to medicate, thus, you won't drink to mask anything. (I liken this to someone who takes medicine for high cholesterol..If you work hard with diet, exercise, etc. to reduce your cholesterol, you can eventually stop taking the medicine or cut down on your dosage.) She went on to say that maybe one day my friend might be able to go to a restaurant once or twice a month and have 1 or 2 glasses of wine each time!!!
Now, my friend was very honest about how much she drank. Very honest. She was so surprised that this was the method...and she was a bit excited about the possibility of MODERATION!!!!
I really wonder about this method. I've even googled it using various phrases and still couldn't find anything! I've always wanted to be a moderate drinker..but know I can't! I am skeptical. And, also, probably a bit jealous...MODERATION!!!!
I am happy for my friend that she is trying to stop drinking. I know the saying "whatever works for you" is the right answer for each of us. I chose the the white knuckling route, some go the AA route, some go the AS route...etc. But I have NEVER heard of this other route! I wonder if it is easier? Can you work on your problems while you are still drinking? I don't think I could've...but I never even tried! I didn't even realize what they were....In fact, at day 81, I am sill discovering what they are!
Of course, I did not voice my doubts to my friend. Maybe this will be her way. Who am I to say that this won't work for her? Who am I to say that she can never moderate?
What if my method of quitting is not the best way for lasting success?
I am curious to what you think of this other method of working on your problems to be able to stop drinking (medicating). It really has me perplexed!
Wishing you success in whatever method you use to quit the booze!
Love,
Sober at 53
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Day 80!! - Love yourself!!
April 27, 2016
Day 80!
Hello!
I cannot believe that I am on Day 80 of a sober free life!!! I really can't believe it! I had never made it past a Day 1 before...EVER! So, in honor of my Day 80 I am going to start doing some self-loving! This is something NONE of us have while we are drinking! Self-loathing is more like it! But boy oh boy it feels AWESOME not waking up in the wee hours of the morning hating myself!!
I am loving myself today for having the courage and the will power to make it this far...and it hasn't been easy. The good days are really good but the bad days are really bad!
I am going to love myself in that I am starting to learn how to deal with my emotions. This is even harder work than quitting drinking in my opinion!
I am going to love myself for becoming a better mom, wife and friend in the last 80 days. I am more present and am a good listener! When I was drinking, it was all about me!
I will leave you with this quote by Dr. Steve Maraboli (I have no idea who he is, but I love the quote!)
LOVE YOURSELF enough to take the actions required for your happiness.
LOVE YOURSELF enough to cut yourself loose from the ties of the drama-filled past.
LOVE YOURSELF enough to move on!!!
Hoping you can love yourself today! You deserve it!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 80!
Hello!
I cannot believe that I am on Day 80 of a sober free life!!! I really can't believe it! I had never made it past a Day 1 before...EVER! So, in honor of my Day 80 I am going to start doing some self-loving! This is something NONE of us have while we are drinking! Self-loathing is more like it! But boy oh boy it feels AWESOME not waking up in the wee hours of the morning hating myself!!
I am loving myself today for having the courage and the will power to make it this far...and it hasn't been easy. The good days are really good but the bad days are really bad!
I am going to love myself in that I am starting to learn how to deal with my emotions. This is even harder work than quitting drinking in my opinion!
I am going to love myself for becoming a better mom, wife and friend in the last 80 days. I am more present and am a good listener! When I was drinking, it was all about me!
I will leave you with this quote by Dr. Steve Maraboli (I have no idea who he is, but I love the quote!)
LOVE YOURSELF enough to take the actions required for your happiness.
LOVE YOURSELF enough to cut yourself loose from the ties of the drama-filled past.
LOVE YOURSELF enough to move on!!!
Hoping you can love yourself today! You deserve it!
Love,
Sober at 53
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Day 79 - Suffering
April 26, 2016
Day 79
Hello!
In my area of the US, we are inundated with anti smoking TV commercials. They scare the bejesus out of you!!!!
Well, one, keeps being played over and over. The message, while brilliant for smokers, is also brilliant for drinkers. It goes like this:
"A little suffering NOW can stop A LOT of suffering later!"
That is so true for us drinkers!!! While smoking affects you physiologically, drinking affects you physiologically and mentally!
Think of what could happen if we continue down this road of drinking each day! There are so many illnesses that long term drinking can cause: cirrhosis of the liver, esophageal cancer, breast cancer, chronic pancreatitis, high blood pressure, damage to the central and peripheral nervous systems, heart disease...and the list goes on!
As far as the mental aspect, we can lose our jobs, our homes, our drivers license, be in financial distress, lose our families..and this list goes on too!
So much at risk...and some of it, YOU CAN NEVER GET BACK!!
Think of all that possible suffering...really think about it. I know I will from now on! The ramifications are horrific!! BUT, if we can do a little suffering now, by quitting, we can stop a lot of suffering later...just look at what you can suffer from...and by our own hand!
I am on Day 79...It's been a tough 79 days! Quitting drinking is HARD!! But, it's not as hard as going through alcohol related diseases and possible death...and all of the mental consequences it can cause. So when I feel like I want to throw in the towel, as I did the other day, I am going to conjure up some images of what my future might look like if I kept on going the way I was....It isn't a pretty picture.
So, my new mantra is "A little suffering now can stop a lot of suffering later!"
Hoping you can do a little suffering today by staying off the booze, to save your self from a lot of suffering that it will cause you later!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 79
Hello!
In my area of the US, we are inundated with anti smoking TV commercials. They scare the bejesus out of you!!!!
Well, one, keeps being played over and over. The message, while brilliant for smokers, is also brilliant for drinkers. It goes like this:
"A little suffering NOW can stop A LOT of suffering later!"
That is so true for us drinkers!!! While smoking affects you physiologically, drinking affects you physiologically and mentally!
Think of what could happen if we continue down this road of drinking each day! There are so many illnesses that long term drinking can cause: cirrhosis of the liver, esophageal cancer, breast cancer, chronic pancreatitis, high blood pressure, damage to the central and peripheral nervous systems, heart disease...and the list goes on!
As far as the mental aspect, we can lose our jobs, our homes, our drivers license, be in financial distress, lose our families..and this list goes on too!
So much at risk...and some of it, YOU CAN NEVER GET BACK!!
Think of all that possible suffering...really think about it. I know I will from now on! The ramifications are horrific!! BUT, if we can do a little suffering now, by quitting, we can stop a lot of suffering later...just look at what you can suffer from...and by our own hand!
I am on Day 79...It's been a tough 79 days! Quitting drinking is HARD!! But, it's not as hard as going through alcohol related diseases and possible death...and all of the mental consequences it can cause. So when I feel like I want to throw in the towel, as I did the other day, I am going to conjure up some images of what my future might look like if I kept on going the way I was....It isn't a pretty picture.
So, my new mantra is "A little suffering now can stop a lot of suffering later!"
Hoping you can do a little suffering today by staying off the booze, to save your self from a lot of suffering that it will cause you later!
Love,
Sober at 53
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Day 77 - I MADE IT!!!!!
April 24, 2016
Day 77
Hello!
I cannot believe it! I made it through last night without a drink!! I am so proud of myself. I honestly didn't know what was going to happen because I was so tired of trying. I didn't think I had it in me anymore...but I do!!! I am so relieved...and happy! I am sitting here crying because it is a major relief and I still can't believe it..that's how hard it was! Here is a little recap:
On the car ride in to NY, it was a bit odd. I didn't know that the the wife of the other couple had invited two of her best friends, her cousin and SIL. I was definitely the odd man out. While they were very nice, they talked about a lot of things that required knowing their family. I tried hard to be that girl that I was when I was drinking....I would've had no problem insinuating myself into their conversation...whether they wanted me to or not. The booze did that for me! Then I realized...I am not longer that girl. I let the feeling of not being fully included sink in. I sat there and listened and commented when I had something to offer. They were all very nice but I was really left on my own! And only the men in the limo drank! I did bring a diet soda in the car with me so I wouldn't be tempted!
At the concert....the alcohol was readily available. Anything you wanted except for AF beer. Mr. Soberat53 even went to the bars in the venue to purchase some for me, and one bartender made a phone call and there wasn't one AF beer to be had in the entire place! An arena that holds 18,000 people!!! That is ludicrous!!!!! So I stuck with club soda and lemon!
But the miracle of all miracles for me last night was that the wife of the other couple WAS NOT DRINKING!!! I WASN'T ALONE! For some reason that made all of the difference in the world to me. A switch immediately flipped for me and I was able to enjoy the concert immensely. This tells me that I need to hang out with more AF people! And, I enjoyed my first concert without booze!! Wow!
I ended up having a GREAT time! Bruce Springsteen was just amazing! I think it was the best Bruce concert that I've seen. That man is amazing. If you ever get the chance to see him...go! He is 66 years old and just went right from one song to the next...no break and he played for over 4 hours. I wish I had that kind of energy!
I woke up this morning feeling fantastic. I thought of what last night would've looked like if I had been drinking. It wasn't pretty!
And a HUGE thank you to Ripleybelle, Northwoman1996, Sobermummy and OneSoberKiwi!!! Your comments got me through!! You have no idea how much you helped me. I am so very appreciative and grateful for you!!!
Today, Mr. Soberat53 and I celebrate our 28 year wedding Anniversary. Another first....no alcohol! This one, easy peasy! (well, I hope so!)
Wishing you a day of success with not drinking! Those "firsts" are hard! But, doable..with effort and great support!
Edited to say: I am crying so hard right now..happy tears...because one of the girls in the car just sent me a Facebook friend request. I know that's not a big deal at all, but I really thought that I didn't bring much to the table last night. To know, somebody actually liked me (why else would you send me a friend request?) as the "real me." The me without booze. Maybe the "real me" is ok.
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 77
Hello!
I cannot believe it! I made it through last night without a drink!! I am so proud of myself. I honestly didn't know what was going to happen because I was so tired of trying. I didn't think I had it in me anymore...but I do!!! I am so relieved...and happy! I am sitting here crying because it is a major relief and I still can't believe it..that's how hard it was! Here is a little recap:
On the car ride in to NY, it was a bit odd. I didn't know that the the wife of the other couple had invited two of her best friends, her cousin and SIL. I was definitely the odd man out. While they were very nice, they talked about a lot of things that required knowing their family. I tried hard to be that girl that I was when I was drinking....I would've had no problem insinuating myself into their conversation...whether they wanted me to or not. The booze did that for me! Then I realized...I am not longer that girl. I let the feeling of not being fully included sink in. I sat there and listened and commented when I had something to offer. They were all very nice but I was really left on my own! And only the men in the limo drank! I did bring a diet soda in the car with me so I wouldn't be tempted!
At the concert....the alcohol was readily available. Anything you wanted except for AF beer. Mr. Soberat53 even went to the bars in the venue to purchase some for me, and one bartender made a phone call and there wasn't one AF beer to be had in the entire place! An arena that holds 18,000 people!!! That is ludicrous!!!!! So I stuck with club soda and lemon!
But the miracle of all miracles for me last night was that the wife of the other couple WAS NOT DRINKING!!! I WASN'T ALONE! For some reason that made all of the difference in the world to me. A switch immediately flipped for me and I was able to enjoy the concert immensely. This tells me that I need to hang out with more AF people! And, I enjoyed my first concert without booze!! Wow!
I ended up having a GREAT time! Bruce Springsteen was just amazing! I think it was the best Bruce concert that I've seen. That man is amazing. If you ever get the chance to see him...go! He is 66 years old and just went right from one song to the next...no break and he played for over 4 hours. I wish I had that kind of energy!
I woke up this morning feeling fantastic. I thought of what last night would've looked like if I had been drinking. It wasn't pretty!
And a HUGE thank you to Ripleybelle, Northwoman1996, Sobermummy and OneSoberKiwi!!! Your comments got me through!! You have no idea how much you helped me. I am so very appreciative and grateful for you!!!
Today, Mr. Soberat53 and I celebrate our 28 year wedding Anniversary. Another first....no alcohol! This one, easy peasy! (well, I hope so!)
Wishing you a day of success with not drinking! Those "firsts" are hard! But, doable..with effort and great support!
Edited to say: I am crying so hard right now..happy tears...because one of the girls in the car just sent me a Facebook friend request. I know that's not a big deal at all, but I really thought that I didn't bring much to the table last night. To know, somebody actually liked me (why else would you send me a friend request?) as the "real me." The me without booze. Maybe the "real me" is ok.
Love,
Sober at 53
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Day 76 - So tired...
April 23, 2016
Day 76
Hello!
I am so tired of trying to not drink. It takes so much energy. Here I am in Day 76 and I am so drained from the effort I've put into it. I am really so so tired of it.
Tonight, my husband and I were invited to a concert in NY for my favorite singer. This is a work thing for my husband so we are getting to watch the concert in a luxury sky box. Food and Drink included! (why oh why couldn't we get invited to this when I was drinking!!!!) I have seen my favorite in concert a gazillion times.....NEVER without alcohol in my system! Never! So, this will be a change! I hope I still enjoy him! My very first sober free concert with free food and drink...NOT looking forward to it!
I am trying so hard to plan some sort of strategy for myself...like the ones I used last weekend, but unfortunately they are all being knocked down!
First off, we are going with another couple whom I have never met. I don't want to explain that I am not drinking. I think I will do the "antibiotic" lie.
They are picking us up via car service. (again, why oh why couldn't this happen when I was drinking!) And, they are returning us home. So, I cannot drive. That would've forced me to be on the straight and narrow path!
Second, the luxury skybox is stocked with drinks. There will be no mocktails or alcohol free beer! At least I could've pretended I was drinking and that would've made me feel better!
Third, I have to be "on" when in the skybox as this is a work thing for Mr. Soberat53. (I think that I will be better than when I was drinking but I sure won't come across as my usual fun party girl!) But how can I be "on" when I am trying so very very hard not to have a drink? I don't know if I can do both things at once. So much effort...I'm tired just thinking about it!
So much effort has to be put into tonight. I know I sound like a baby....my favorite singer, luxury sky box, car service. free food...but again, why oh why couldn't I have that when I was drinking???? I am so tired just thinking about tonight. I don't even want to go. I told Mr. Soberat 53 and he was wonderful, and said we didn't have to go. But, I don't want to disappoint him. And, it is a work thing.
Will I ever get to that place where it is just easy? No thought or effort involved? I really hate that I let myself get to this place. Why did I ever have to drink so damn much that it became a problem?!?! So, I will now take a deep breathe and get ready to go. I will try and look good so I will feel better about myself. That helped last week. (Nothing like a good blow out!) I am going to give this the old "girl scout" try. I hope I can do it.
Hoping that you have to put minimal effort into quitting! And, if you do, please please let me know your strategies!
Editing to say: the other couple just texted Mr. Soberat53 and said "hey, can we bring you guys a roadie?" Oh man...I am in trouble!!!!! Fuck! I told Mr. Soberat53 just to say "bring one for me (meaning him)"
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 76
Hello!
I am so tired of trying to not drink. It takes so much energy. Here I am in Day 76 and I am so drained from the effort I've put into it. I am really so so tired of it.
Tonight, my husband and I were invited to a concert in NY for my favorite singer. This is a work thing for my husband so we are getting to watch the concert in a luxury sky box. Food and Drink included! (why oh why couldn't we get invited to this when I was drinking!!!!) I have seen my favorite in concert a gazillion times.....NEVER without alcohol in my system! Never! So, this will be a change! I hope I still enjoy him! My very first sober free concert with free food and drink...NOT looking forward to it!
I am trying so hard to plan some sort of strategy for myself...like the ones I used last weekend, but unfortunately they are all being knocked down!
First off, we are going with another couple whom I have never met. I don't want to explain that I am not drinking. I think I will do the "antibiotic" lie.
They are picking us up via car service. (again, why oh why couldn't this happen when I was drinking!) And, they are returning us home. So, I cannot drive. That would've forced me to be on the straight and narrow path!
Second, the luxury skybox is stocked with drinks. There will be no mocktails or alcohol free beer! At least I could've pretended I was drinking and that would've made me feel better!
Third, I have to be "on" when in the skybox as this is a work thing for Mr. Soberat53. (I think that I will be better than when I was drinking but I sure won't come across as my usual fun party girl!) But how can I be "on" when I am trying so very very hard not to have a drink? I don't know if I can do both things at once. So much effort...I'm tired just thinking about it!
So much effort has to be put into tonight. I know I sound like a baby....my favorite singer, luxury sky box, car service. free food...but again, why oh why couldn't I have that when I was drinking???? I am so tired just thinking about tonight. I don't even want to go. I told Mr. Soberat 53 and he was wonderful, and said we didn't have to go. But, I don't want to disappoint him. And, it is a work thing.
Will I ever get to that place where it is just easy? No thought or effort involved? I really hate that I let myself get to this place. Why did I ever have to drink so damn much that it became a problem?!?! So, I will now take a deep breathe and get ready to go. I will try and look good so I will feel better about myself. That helped last week. (Nothing like a good blow out!) I am going to give this the old "girl scout" try. I hope I can do it.
Hoping that you have to put minimal effort into quitting! And, if you do, please please let me know your strategies!
Editing to say: the other couple just texted Mr. Soberat53 and said "hey, can we bring you guys a roadie?" Oh man...I am in trouble!!!!! Fuck! I told Mr. Soberat53 just to say "bring one for me (meaning him)"
Love,
Sober at 53
Friday, April 22, 2016
Day 74 - The Devil made me do it!
April 21, 2016
Day 74
Hello!
Today I was in NYC for a Dr. appt. It was a GORGEOUS day so I decided to walk from the train station to the dr. office. It's a 2.5 mile walk each way. I didn't take a direct path, but followed the sun (working on that tan :) which had me walk past the infamous, beautiful St. Patrick's Cathedral. St. Pat's is one of NYC's most famous landmarks. It is an icon of New York City. I always love going in there as it is just so beautiful and peaceful, amongst a bustling city. (Just an FYI..you now have to have your bags checked to go in!)
When I walked in there was the votive candle stand in which you can light a candle and say a prayer. I lit a candle and said a prayer for everyone I know who is trying to quit drinking and who wants to quit drinking that they will succeed and be happier. Of course I included my blogger peeps (those that I know and those that I don't!)
So, I left out a side door, which coincidentally was The Door of Mercy. (Pope Francis has dubbed 2016 as the Year of Mercy.) Across the street was the St. Pat's gift shop. I thought I'd go in and by a Saint card for the patron Saint of Addictions. (I figure it couldn't hurt and I need all the help I can get!) I didn't know who the patron Saint of Addictions was and the girls working there were busy. So I googled it! And the first answer that came up was brilliant: The patron Saint of Addiction is THE DEVIL!!!! OMG! Ain't that the truth!!! Have you ever heard the saying "Alcohol is the Devil's Brew?" It makes me so mad to think that the devil had such a hold on me for so many years! Now, I am not a religious person. I used to be. I wonder if that is what of the things that alcohol has taken from me. I was most likely too hungover to get to mass on Sundays! Again, the devil made me do it!
I really think that to equate alcohol to the devil is not only clever, but the truth.
Tonight, I once again googled the patron Saint of Addictions and it is Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe.
Here is why:
It is very interesting to me that he was made the patron saint of addiction. He certainly was NOTHING like the devil! While I find his story beautiful, I was looking for a saint that had a real drinking problem and overcame it! I think I would find hope in that. Oh well...we really know that the Devil made us do it!!
Wishing you the insight to fight that damn devil ! And also praying that you will be successful in your endeavor to quit drinking!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 74
Hello!
Today I was in NYC for a Dr. appt. It was a GORGEOUS day so I decided to walk from the train station to the dr. office. It's a 2.5 mile walk each way. I didn't take a direct path, but followed the sun (working on that tan :) which had me walk past the infamous, beautiful St. Patrick's Cathedral. St. Pat's is one of NYC's most famous landmarks. It is an icon of New York City. I always love going in there as it is just so beautiful and peaceful, amongst a bustling city. (Just an FYI..you now have to have your bags checked to go in!)
When I walked in there was the votive candle stand in which you can light a candle and say a prayer. I lit a candle and said a prayer for everyone I know who is trying to quit drinking and who wants to quit drinking that they will succeed and be happier. Of course I included my blogger peeps (those that I know and those that I don't!)
So, I left out a side door, which coincidentally was The Door of Mercy. (Pope Francis has dubbed 2016 as the Year of Mercy.) Across the street was the St. Pat's gift shop. I thought I'd go in and by a Saint card for the patron Saint of Addictions. (I figure it couldn't hurt and I need all the help I can get!) I didn't know who the patron Saint of Addictions was and the girls working there were busy. So I googled it! And the first answer that came up was brilliant: The patron Saint of Addiction is THE DEVIL!!!! OMG! Ain't that the truth!!! Have you ever heard the saying "Alcohol is the Devil's Brew?" It makes me so mad to think that the devil had such a hold on me for so many years! Now, I am not a religious person. I used to be. I wonder if that is what of the things that alcohol has taken from me. I was most likely too hungover to get to mass on Sundays! Again, the devil made me do it!
I really think that to equate alcohol to the devil is not only clever, but the truth.
Tonight, I once again googled the patron Saint of Addictions and it is Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe.
Here is why:
Our Lady appeared to Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe and showed Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe two crowns; one white representing purity, and one red representing martyrdom. Our Lady asked Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe if he wanted them, and he replied, "Yes."
At 16, Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe entered the Franciscan monastery in Lviv, which is now in the Ukraine, but was a part of Poland at that time, and he was ordained a priest at age 24. In 1939, the Nazis conquered Poland and arrested Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe and his friars releasing them on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.
In 1941, Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe was again arrested by the Nazis and this time was sent to Auschwitz for three months where he was severely beaten.
A prisoner escaped from Auschwitz, and the commandant announced that ten prisioners would die as punishment for the escaped prisoner. Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe, Number 16670, was not selected to die by the commandant but stepped forward and asked to take the place of a man who had a wife and children. The commandant agreed to the exchange.
Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe and the other nine were placed on death block without clothes and in the dark, for the slow and painful death of starvation. One by one the prisoners died, but when four remained, including Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe, who had almost no flesh on his bones, the jailer appeared with a hypodermic needle filled with carbolic acid which is an alcoholic, corrosive, poison used in insecticides. For this reason, Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe is known as the Patron Saint Against Drug Addiction.
Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe was beatified in 1971 and canonized in 1982.
Saint Maximillian Mary Kolbe feast day is August 14.
It is very interesting to me that he was made the patron saint of addiction. He certainly was NOTHING like the devil! While I find his story beautiful, I was looking for a saint that had a real drinking problem and overcame it! I think I would find hope in that. Oh well...we really know that the Devil made us do it!!
Wishing you the insight to fight that damn devil ! And also praying that you will be successful in your endeavor to quit drinking!
Love,
Sober at 53
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Day 72 - Memory Problems!
April 19, 2016
Day 72
Hello!
I can't remember what I was going to write on this post!!! hahaha...just kidding...But seriously, I am suffering from some memory loss! WTF? I thought that being off the wine, I would be bright eyed and bushy tailed!!! I would be very into the conversation that I am having with you. I would be very alert in the TV show that I am watching. I would remember all of the great advice from the wonderful non drinkers blogs that I frequent, where I put my phone, etc.
Guess what? I am missing a lot of pieces!!!!! For example, I can have an in depth conversation with you and be ever so present, but later, I can't remember what we talked about!!!
Today, I was excited to find a new blog! After I read the first post, I read the comments and I HAD LEFT A COMMENT....YESTERDAY!!!!
Tonight, I went to to do a load of wash, as I wanted a particular pair of exercise pants for tomorrow. Yep, you guessed it, I had already washed the load...last night!
I am a list maker...every night I make a list of things I need to do the next day, things I need from the grocery store, appts. to make. I add to it each morning. But, I am forgetting to put things on the list!!!
I am forgetting such silly things! I was NEVER like this when I was drinking. My lists were complete! I didn't forget things (well, maybe if we spoke on the phone and I was drunk, I might forget..as well as some FB posts and emails)! It never even occurred to me that my memory might go and I would become forgetful!
I wonder if when I was drinking, that I was so intent on not feeling like someone who drank too much, that I overcompensated in my lists and subconsciously forced myself to remember things...maybe it was some sort of defense mechanism so I wouldn't feel like such a drunk!
I googled "quitting alcohol and memory" and the jury is out! Some studies say I should have improved memory within 2 weeks after quitting. It's been 10 weeks. Other studies say that I could possibly have alcohol dementia from my heavy drinking (oh FUCK!) One study said it is due to lack of nutrients. (I don't think that this is it as I am a healthy eater...but I have been forgetting (see, another forgetfulness) to take my vitamins and I was always vigilant about taking them. Another study said it is due to lack of vitamin B1. If I remembered to take my vitamins I would be taking a B Complex!
I don't know what it is and I am a bit concerned. It's not like I have more things on my plate since I quit drinking. It's the same stuff, albeit, without the liquor store runs! And, I have more time at night because I'm not drinking, to remember things and create new memories! Heck, I wish I could forget all of my drinking memories...but no such luck!
So tonight I sit here and look at my list for tomorrow...there are only 2 things on it. I KNOW there should be more! I guess some things are just not going to get done...or maybe I already did them and just can't remember!!!
Wishing you...oh I forget what I wanted to wish you!!! Seriously, wishing you full lists, a day of creating new memories, and not forgetting anything!!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 72
Hello!
I can't remember what I was going to write on this post!!! hahaha...just kidding...But seriously, I am suffering from some memory loss! WTF? I thought that being off the wine, I would be bright eyed and bushy tailed!!! I would be very into the conversation that I am having with you. I would be very alert in the TV show that I am watching. I would remember all of the great advice from the wonderful non drinkers blogs that I frequent, where I put my phone, etc.
Guess what? I am missing a lot of pieces!!!!! For example, I can have an in depth conversation with you and be ever so present, but later, I can't remember what we talked about!!!
Today, I was excited to find a new blog! After I read the first post, I read the comments and I HAD LEFT A COMMENT....YESTERDAY!!!!
Tonight, I went to to do a load of wash, as I wanted a particular pair of exercise pants for tomorrow. Yep, you guessed it, I had already washed the load...last night!
I am a list maker...every night I make a list of things I need to do the next day, things I need from the grocery store, appts. to make. I add to it each morning. But, I am forgetting to put things on the list!!!
I am forgetting such silly things! I was NEVER like this when I was drinking. My lists were complete! I didn't forget things (well, maybe if we spoke on the phone and I was drunk, I might forget..as well as some FB posts and emails)! It never even occurred to me that my memory might go and I would become forgetful!
I wonder if when I was drinking, that I was so intent on not feeling like someone who drank too much, that I overcompensated in my lists and subconsciously forced myself to remember things...maybe it was some sort of defense mechanism so I wouldn't feel like such a drunk!
I googled "quitting alcohol and memory" and the jury is out! Some studies say I should have improved memory within 2 weeks after quitting. It's been 10 weeks. Other studies say that I could possibly have alcohol dementia from my heavy drinking (oh FUCK!) One study said it is due to lack of nutrients. (I don't think that this is it as I am a healthy eater...but I have been forgetting (see, another forgetfulness) to take my vitamins and I was always vigilant about taking them. Another study said it is due to lack of vitamin B1. If I remembered to take my vitamins I would be taking a B Complex!
I don't know what it is and I am a bit concerned. It's not like I have more things on my plate since I quit drinking. It's the same stuff, albeit, without the liquor store runs! And, I have more time at night because I'm not drinking, to remember things and create new memories! Heck, I wish I could forget all of my drinking memories...but no such luck!
So tonight I sit here and look at my list for tomorrow...there are only 2 things on it. I KNOW there should be more! I guess some things are just not going to get done...or maybe I already did them and just can't remember!!!
Wishing you...oh I forget what I wanted to wish you!!! Seriously, wishing you full lists, a day of creating new memories, and not forgetting anything!!!
Love,
Sober at 53
Monday, April 18, 2016
Day 71 - The Four Agreements
April 18, 2016
Day 71
Hello!
As we all know, when you stop drinking, you have to learn how to deal with your emotions. I find this to be VERY challenging, as I masked my true emotions with wine...cabernet to be exact!
The "good" emotions are just that..good to deal with. No problem there except I can't have my "celebratory" glass/bottle of the grape! But the "bad" emotions..Yikes!
I had mentioned previously that I started to go to a therapist. In explaining to her how poorly I have been dealing with those bad emotions, she made me think about how my emotions were when I was physically drinking and then, the next day, when I was tired and crawling my way through the day (I hate to call them hangovers..because then I would have to dub myself the Queen of them!)
She suggested I read this book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Honestly, it was a life changer for me. I HIGHLY recommend it (although the first chapter was very difficult to get through for me...the rest went by like a breeze)You can also download it as a free PDF file.
So, what are the Four Agreements? Here is a summary by the author:
Day 71
Hello!
As we all know, when you stop drinking, you have to learn how to deal with your emotions. I find this to be VERY challenging, as I masked my true emotions with wine...cabernet to be exact!
The "good" emotions are just that..good to deal with. No problem there except I can't have my "celebratory" glass/bottle of the grape! But the "bad" emotions..Yikes!
I had mentioned previously that I started to go to a therapist. In explaining to her how poorly I have been dealing with those bad emotions, she made me think about how my emotions were when I was physically drinking and then, the next day, when I was tired and crawling my way through the day (I hate to call them hangovers..because then I would have to dub myself the Queen of them!)
She suggested I read this book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Honestly, it was a life changer for me. I HIGHLY recommend it (although the first chapter was very difficult to get through for me...the rest went by like a breeze)You can also download it as a free PDF file.
So, what are the Four Agreements? Here is a summary by the author:
the four agreements - don miguel ruiz's code for life
agreement 1
Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
agreement 2
Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
agreement 3
Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
agreement 4
Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
So, how does this relate to the emotions that I now have to learn to deal with?
Agreement 1..Be Impeccable with your word...when I was drinking, ANYTHING flowed out of my mouth! I had no filter! I was NOT impeccable with my word. How many things must I have said that hurt someone? My husband, my children, my friends? I can't even begin to imagine because I'm really scared of the answer to that question. But now, I am trying hard to have a filter, think before I speak and not gossip! It is an effort and I keep catching myself, but it helps me to think about others and not speak about them or to them negatively. It makes me a better, kinder human being.
Agreement 2..Don't take anything personally...oh boy...that one hits home for me. I was so the "woe is me" type when I was drinking. I was always the VICTIM!! Anything that anyone did I would take it as a personal affront. Mr. Soberat53 didn't take out the garbage? he must not care enough about me, because now I have to do it. My friend said she'd call me back in an hour and it's been 3 hours? What did I do wrong? How rude of her not to keep her word. she must not really like me! You get the idea. But now, I realize that what somebody else does is really a reflection of THEM and not me! Mr. Sober53 forgot to take out the garbage? Not about me...he is just always so forgetful (that's about him!) My girlfriend didn't call me back? Not about me...who knows what she got tied up with and couldn't call back (that's about her!) This agreement REALLY helps me. It takes away the "woe is me" factor and now lets me realize that everybody has their "stuff" and it's not always about me. I almost think it was selfish of me to think that it was all about me! This agreement really set me free. It helped me to get rid of some angry, sad and fearful emotions that I felt were just "part of life." They aren't anymore! It took away the VICTIM in me. I so LOVE my new way of thinking! It actually makes me happy!
Agreement 3 - Don't make Assumptions - This is one that I also love! For me, it ties into Agreement 2. I just assumed that my girlfriend didn't like me anymore because she didn't call me back when she said she would. That was an assumption that I had made. When I spoke to her the next day, I would be kind of quiet because I was hurt that I wasn't the most important person on her list!!! That was me assuming. Instead, I could've asked her WHY she didn't call me back. Maybe she had a sick child she needed to tend to, maybe she had a headache, etc...I made it about me because I made an assumption as to why! What makes me love this one so much is that I now often think "What do people assume about me?" The flip side really really makes you think. Because, most likely, since we all make assumptions, and a lot of them incorrectly, the assumptions people make about me are most likely incorrect. Oh, I didn't call YOU back when I said I would? How are you to know that I was on the phone for hours with my child, who is away at college, who was having a bad day? You probably assumed that I just forgot. But, you would be wrong! And on the converse side, if you don't ask me why I didn't call you back, it would be kind of me to tell you! So, never make assumptions about anyone else! We never know what's going on in someone else's world! It helps to alleviate some worry that I had. Plus it feels good not to assume!! It is such a freeing feeling And, it's all about COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION!!!!!!! And good communication can help alleviate or prevent some of the bad emotions!
Agreement 4 - Always Do Your Best - I find this difficult! It's hard for me to figure out what my best is. Should I be pushing myself harder at things? What if my best isn't good enough? The author explains that your best IS always good enough. So, I try to just do my best in my day to day endeavors. I am doing my best to keep the Agreements. I am doing my best not to drink (and that is a biggie!) I am doing my best at just being. It's not easy, because sometimes I find that I'm doing my best on being angry, and sad, and jealous...etc. But then I remind myself of the Agreements and I am trying my best to keep them, thus helping me to reduce my feelings of angry, sad and jealous. I am trying to be the Best person that I can be..today. Tomorrow, my best might be different! In an hour it might be...but I am trying!
Emotions are part of life. We all have them, we all have to deal with them. I am finding that the Four Agreements are helping me to deal with them a little bit better! And that my friends, is a good start to emotional healing!
Wishing you a great day of dealing with your emotions!
Love,
Sober at 53
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Day 69 - The Tunnel
April 16, 2016
Day 69
Hello!
First off, thank you so much to everyone who commented and reached out to me on my "Pity Party" post. You really saved me! Thank you! I had to take a few days off from blogging because I was in a "not good" place. I feel much better now. I've had to deal with my emotions without drowning them in wine. I did so...maybe not seamlessly, but I did it! And, I took your advice! I made sure I looked great! I got a blowout, put a smokey eye on my lids, wore my dress that I wanted to wear (Spanx were included!) and I felt good about myself! And, I didn't drink. They had servers practically at each table with bottles of red and white filling your glass as soon as you drained your last drop. Oh, how they would've been constantly filling mine 69 days ago!!!
Last night was our big Gala in NYC. Because I am AF, I decided to drive in and meet Mr. Soberat53 who works in the city. My normally 50 minute drive turned into a grueling 2 hours. I left plenty of time knowing that Friday night traffic could be horrendous...and it was!
The worst part was on the helix into the Lincoln Tunnel. It was so backed up and it probably took me 40 minutes to enter the tunnel.(traffic radio said only 20 minutes!) Well, a funny thing happened as soon as the nose of my car entered the tunnel. Bruce Springsteen's "Tunnel of Love" came on the radio. It made me laugh! What a coincidence!... but then it made me think. (and trust me, due to traffic, I had A LOT of time to think!)....Quitting drinking is like being in traffic in the tunnel.
There will be times in the tunnel where you are moving smoothly and everything is great! Life is Good! You are AF! Everything is going in the right direction! Then boom! You are completely at a stand still..not moving at all...you are stuck. You can either get out of your car and walk away (that would create a huge mess for those cars behind you and you would face tremendous fines) or you could wait it out. Eventually, it's got to move, right? You can't stay there forever! When you are stuck like that with quitting drinking, (whether it be cravings, PAWS, stress) you can either go back to the bottle, thus creating a huge mess for yourself and the "fines" you face could be serious ramifications in your life! OR you can wait out those bad times and know in your mind that you will not be stuck there forever...you will eventually move forward!
So, it's stop and go, stop and go the 1.5 miles (that would be 2.4 km for my metric using friends) through that tunnel. It takes you a lot longer to get through because it is not a smooth ride in. Lots of stuff to deal with on the way in addition to the stopping and going..You've also got that car in front of you that has left a gazillion car lengths in front of him and you are anxious to get to the other side and want him to move faster. But, there is nothing you can do (technically, you are not allowed to blow your horn in the tunnel). You have to deal with it! Just like your emotions! You are trapped in a tunnel (your own mind) and behind a car that is not moving the way you want it to (your emotions)...there is no way around that car. You just have to work through it!
Eventually, you make it out of the tunnel, after going through what you need to get through in order to come out the other side. And the other side is beautiful! There is light, beauty...and you are no longer trapped!! I can't wait to get to the other side!!! I am still at the beginning of the tunnel, but am finding myself moving forward....albeit very slowly and with that dang car in front of me! I am hoping the days of moving smoothly will be more frequent!!!
Wishing you a smooth ride through your tunnel!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 69
Hello!
First off, thank you so much to everyone who commented and reached out to me on my "Pity Party" post. You really saved me! Thank you! I had to take a few days off from blogging because I was in a "not good" place. I feel much better now. I've had to deal with my emotions without drowning them in wine. I did so...maybe not seamlessly, but I did it! And, I took your advice! I made sure I looked great! I got a blowout, put a smokey eye on my lids, wore my dress that I wanted to wear (Spanx were included!) and I felt good about myself! And, I didn't drink. They had servers practically at each table with bottles of red and white filling your glass as soon as you drained your last drop. Oh, how they would've been constantly filling mine 69 days ago!!!
Last night was our big Gala in NYC. Because I am AF, I decided to drive in and meet Mr. Soberat53 who works in the city. My normally 50 minute drive turned into a grueling 2 hours. I left plenty of time knowing that Friday night traffic could be horrendous...and it was!
The worst part was on the helix into the Lincoln Tunnel. It was so backed up and it probably took me 40 minutes to enter the tunnel.(traffic radio said only 20 minutes!) Well, a funny thing happened as soon as the nose of my car entered the tunnel. Bruce Springsteen's "Tunnel of Love" came on the radio. It made me laugh! What a coincidence!... but then it made me think. (and trust me, due to traffic, I had A LOT of time to think!)....Quitting drinking is like being in traffic in the tunnel.
There will be times in the tunnel where you are moving smoothly and everything is great! Life is Good! You are AF! Everything is going in the right direction! Then boom! You are completely at a stand still..not moving at all...you are stuck. You can either get out of your car and walk away (that would create a huge mess for those cars behind you and you would face tremendous fines) or you could wait it out. Eventually, it's got to move, right? You can't stay there forever! When you are stuck like that with quitting drinking, (whether it be cravings, PAWS, stress) you can either go back to the bottle, thus creating a huge mess for yourself and the "fines" you face could be serious ramifications in your life! OR you can wait out those bad times and know in your mind that you will not be stuck there forever...you will eventually move forward!
So, it's stop and go, stop and go the 1.5 miles (that would be 2.4 km for my metric using friends) through that tunnel. It takes you a lot longer to get through because it is not a smooth ride in. Lots of stuff to deal with on the way in addition to the stopping and going..You've also got that car in front of you that has left a gazillion car lengths in front of him and you are anxious to get to the other side and want him to move faster. But, there is nothing you can do (technically, you are not allowed to blow your horn in the tunnel). You have to deal with it! Just like your emotions! You are trapped in a tunnel (your own mind) and behind a car that is not moving the way you want it to (your emotions)...there is no way around that car. You just have to work through it!
Eventually, you make it out of the tunnel, after going through what you need to get through in order to come out the other side. And the other side is beautiful! There is light, beauty...and you are no longer trapped!! I can't wait to get to the other side!!! I am still at the beginning of the tunnel, but am finding myself moving forward....albeit very slowly and with that dang car in front of me! I am hoping the days of moving smoothly will be more frequent!!!
Wishing you a smooth ride through your tunnel!
Love,
Sober at 53
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Day 66 - Pity Party
April 13, 2016
Day 66
Welcome to my Pity Party!
I am having a real "woe is me" kinda day. It's the kind of day where I actually physically feel my sadness. You know the kind where your stomach drops as low as it can go? Your body feels like it's stuck in the "sigh" position? Yep, that's what I'm having. I feel like I'm stuck in a fishbowl looking out at the world and I can't get out. I am feeling soooooo very sorry for myself.
Day 66
Welcome to my Pity Party!
I am having a real "woe is me" kinda day. It's the kind of day where I actually physically feel my sadness. You know the kind where your stomach drops as low as it can go? Your body feels like it's stuck in the "sigh" position? Yep, that's what I'm having. I feel like I'm stuck in a fishbowl looking out at the world and I can't get out. I am feeling soooooo very sorry for myself.
- I am so sad that I am in this place. Why did I let myself drink so much that now I have to work really hard to quit!!! (I know I got myself into this place and I can get myself out!)
- I feel like everybody else can drink responsibly except for me. (I know that is not true)
- I feel like hardly anybody reads my blog. (That is fine, because I wrote it for me for accountability...but I was hoping to meet a lot of new people going thru exactly what I'm going thru. For what it's worth, I do read and comment on a lot of blogs. That helps me)
- I have a huge function to go to in NYC on Friday night for a charity that my husband is very involved with. I went last year and I was bored...he wasn't. I also drank a lot. This year I can't so I will be even more bored! I thought I would look better and the weather would be nicer so I could buy something cool to wear for the photo ops. (I do want to go to support my husband. It is important to him & I secretly submitted a photo of him running in a 1/2 marathon for said charity....he will be surprised!)
- I thought by now I would be down a lot of weight. No such luck. (From what I read, and from some replies I have rec'd that will come eventually...but I'm impatient! I want that reward for my wine sacrifice!)
- I'm sad that the rest of my life will be alcohol free. Maybe one day, after a lot of time passes AF, I can become a responsible drinker? (I know that I can't. Old habits die hard!)
- I'm pissed at myself that I still find myself sometimes reaching for a cigarette (no positive flip side on this one!)
- I am feeling very lonely on this journey. I still don't want to tell anybody. I don't want to be judged. While I like having my own personal secret, I think it may be isolating me (I know...I could go to AA (that's another story for another day), I could tell more people)
And the list goes on! I know this must have something to do with PAWS. How can I get it every week? Is that even possible? So, I exercised today, I got myself a pedicure, I purchased some new Lululemon exercise pants and I bought a crumb cake (I only ate the crumb part!..No wonder why the weight is not falling off???) And, I did all this and I still feel the same sadness.
But, it was helpful to write this, and I did force myself to think of something positive to write after each "woe." So one day when I look back on this, I can see that there are options to get myself out of my pity party. I'm just not feeling it today....sigh....
Thank you for coming to my pity party. Please feel free to take one of my "woe's" as your party favor...because that's what kind of party this is....Hmm...maybe you can take the whole damn fishbowl with you!
Love,
Sober at 53
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Day 65 - Free Will
April 12, 2016
Day 65
Hello!
After each exercise class, our instructor reads something inspirational. Y'day's quote really resonated with me:
"That which you call your Soul or Spirit is your consciousness, and that which you call "free will" is your minds freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom, the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and your character." Ayn Rand
Choosing to drink or to stop drinking is 100% controlled by our free will. We all have the ability to quit drinking, albeit not so easily, by free will. It's really that simple. It's a yes or no decision. Each day we have the free will to decide if we are going to uncork that bottle of wine or carry on without it. We each hold our decisions in our hand. Making bad choices, making good choices, all free will. I will no longer let drinking determine my life and character! I will be in charge!
The "mental addiction" we experience each day as we are trying to quit drinking is just stuff that tries to block our free will. This reminds me of another quote that is so relevant to us quitters and I also think to those who want to quit but are having a difficult time!
"As a drowning man wants air, as the lover seeks their beloved, this is the way you must focus on that which you want. This intensity of concentration will remove all obstacles." Author Unknown
That quote is going to really help me continue on my AF journey. The intensity of which a drowning man seeks air and that a lover seeks their beloved is the same intensity that I have for remaining AF. That is how badly I want it. I think of the drowning man clawing his way to the line where the water meets the air. It's an intense moment and it is all he can focus on. To me, the wine is what I was drowning in, both physically, but more importantly, mentally and I am seeking that "line" where I catch my breath and know that I am saved. Each AF day that I "claw" my way through gets me closer and closer to that "line." I am focused on getting to that line!! (but damn....why does it have to be so hard!!!!)
Wishing you the "free will" to be AF and hoping you get to that "line."
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 65
Hello!
After each exercise class, our instructor reads something inspirational. Y'day's quote really resonated with me:
"That which you call your Soul or Spirit is your consciousness, and that which you call "free will" is your minds freedom to think or not, the only will you have, your only freedom, the choice that controls all the choices you make and determines your life and your character." Ayn Rand
Choosing to drink or to stop drinking is 100% controlled by our free will. We all have the ability to quit drinking, albeit not so easily, by free will. It's really that simple. It's a yes or no decision. Each day we have the free will to decide if we are going to uncork that bottle of wine or carry on without it. We each hold our decisions in our hand. Making bad choices, making good choices, all free will. I will no longer let drinking determine my life and character! I will be in charge!
The "mental addiction" we experience each day as we are trying to quit drinking is just stuff that tries to block our free will. This reminds me of another quote that is so relevant to us quitters and I also think to those who want to quit but are having a difficult time!
"As a drowning man wants air, as the lover seeks their beloved, this is the way you must focus on that which you want. This intensity of concentration will remove all obstacles." Author Unknown
That quote is going to really help me continue on my AF journey. The intensity of which a drowning man seeks air and that a lover seeks their beloved is the same intensity that I have for remaining AF. That is how badly I want it. I think of the drowning man clawing his way to the line where the water meets the air. It's an intense moment and it is all he can focus on. To me, the wine is what I was drowning in, both physically, but more importantly, mentally and I am seeking that "line" where I catch my breath and know that I am saved. Each AF day that I "claw" my way through gets me closer and closer to that "line." I am focused on getting to that line!! (but damn....why does it have to be so hard!!!!)
Wishing you the "free will" to be AF and hoping you get to that "line."
Love,
Sober at 53
Monday, April 11, 2016
Day 64 - Cravings at weird times!
April 11, 2016
Day 64
Hello!
I've been experiencing wine cravings at times when I normally didn't drink! What the heck is up with that???? I don't get it! It can happen at any time! (Never in the morning though). I could be sitting at my computer at 1:00, home alone, and a craving to drink will hit me! That never happened when I was drinking! I was only ever an evening drinker.
It pisses me off that this is happening to me! Nights are hard enough...now I have to deal with it whenever they pop up? Why? I try to think about what I'm feeling/doing/thinking when the craving hits and most times there is no good reason!!! Ugh!
I told all of this to my friend who knows that I have quit. She had some really good insight. She said that maybe, when I was drinking, I really had those cravings and didn't realize it because in my subconscious I pushed them off knowing that I would be drinking that night. I thought that made a lot of sense! But, it still really irks me that I'm aware of them now! SO NOT FAIR!!!
I really really thought that the cravings would be tough to battle in the evenings, when I normally drank. Now, I have to deal with them whenever they hit! Hopefully, this will stop soon!!!
Hoping you aren't getting cravings at odd times!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 64
Hello!
I've been experiencing wine cravings at times when I normally didn't drink! What the heck is up with that???? I don't get it! It can happen at any time! (Never in the morning though). I could be sitting at my computer at 1:00, home alone, and a craving to drink will hit me! That never happened when I was drinking! I was only ever an evening drinker.
It pisses me off that this is happening to me! Nights are hard enough...now I have to deal with it whenever they pop up? Why? I try to think about what I'm feeling/doing/thinking when the craving hits and most times there is no good reason!!! Ugh!
I told all of this to my friend who knows that I have quit. She had some really good insight. She said that maybe, when I was drinking, I really had those cravings and didn't realize it because in my subconscious I pushed them off knowing that I would be drinking that night. I thought that made a lot of sense! But, it still really irks me that I'm aware of them now! SO NOT FAIR!!!
I really really thought that the cravings would be tough to battle in the evenings, when I normally drank. Now, I have to deal with them whenever they hit! Hopefully, this will stop soon!!!
Hoping you aren't getting cravings at odd times!
Love,
Sober at 53
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Day 62 - Am I a Dry Drunk?
April 9, 2016
Day 62
Hello!
I was doing some research on PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) and I came across the term "dry drunk." I have heard of dry drunk before but I didn't really know what it meant. This is the definition:
Dry drunk is a slang expression infamously known in the sober community. It describes a person who no longer drinks or abuses drugs, but continues to behave in dysfunctional ways.
I see how it is connected to PAWS. If I don't start to deal with the emotions that I have cut off while drinking, I become a Dry Drunk. It is so important to really deal with those emotions. My analogy of Dry Drunk is someone who doesn't drink but is still white knuckling it. I know in the early stages of quitting drinking there is a TON of white knuckling. At least there was for me. But now that I am on Day 62, I have to think…should I still be white knuckling it? And I think some days I am doing just that. Day 60 was one of those days! But it seems that it was also a PAWS day. So, does someone who white knuckles it all of the time have PAWS all of the time? I don't want to find out. This gives me resolve to really deal with my emotions.
In my blog y'day, I said I smoked a cigarette. In my mind, that was behaving in a dysfunctional way as I am not a regular smoker…the white knuckling (PAWS) took me down! My typical behavior 62 days ago would've been to drink! So I am a dry drunk…at least I was y'day. Don't worry..I threw the cigarettes out! I can't keep doing this every time I get stressed! I have to keep dealing with those emotions!
Hoping you are not "white knuckling" it today!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 62
Hello!
I was doing some research on PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) and I came across the term "dry drunk." I have heard of dry drunk before but I didn't really know what it meant. This is the definition:
Dry drunk is a slang expression infamously known in the sober community. It describes a person who no longer drinks or abuses drugs, but continues to behave in dysfunctional ways.
I see how it is connected to PAWS. If I don't start to deal with the emotions that I have cut off while drinking, I become a Dry Drunk. It is so important to really deal with those emotions. My analogy of Dry Drunk is someone who doesn't drink but is still white knuckling it. I know in the early stages of quitting drinking there is a TON of white knuckling. At least there was for me. But now that I am on Day 62, I have to think…should I still be white knuckling it? And I think some days I am doing just that. Day 60 was one of those days! But it seems that it was also a PAWS day. So, does someone who white knuckles it all of the time have PAWS all of the time? I don't want to find out. This gives me resolve to really deal with my emotions.
In my blog y'day, I said I smoked a cigarette. In my mind, that was behaving in a dysfunctional way as I am not a regular smoker…the white knuckling (PAWS) took me down! My typical behavior 62 days ago would've been to drink! So I am a dry drunk…at least I was y'day. Don't worry..I threw the cigarettes out! I can't keep doing this every time I get stressed! I have to keep dealing with those emotions!
Hoping you are not "white knuckling" it today!
Love,
Sober at 53
Friday, April 8, 2016
Day 61 - Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)
Day 61
April 8, 2016
Hello!
Ok, y'day I posted a "psycho" blog post. The first part I was on a high note (the pink cloud).
The second part I was on a low note (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome - PAWS)
I rec'd an e-mail from sobermummy suggesting that I was suffering from PAWS. I referred to her blog and sure enough it seemed like I was indeed experiencing PAWS. I was on that roller coaster that she writes about! (If you haven't already, you should really really read her blog. It has helped me so very much!
http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com)
Then, I called my sister in law, who went through recovery about 7 years ago and now works as a recovery counselor. Unfortunately she lives 2000 miles away from me! She told me that in her experience PAWS hits around day 30, 60, 90, etc. and can keep on hitting up until the 2 year mark (Oh fuck!)
I googled PAWS and there is SO MUCH info. about it. Apparently, most people relapse during the PAWS period. When you are first quitting, you can experience acute withdrawal syndrome. Then, once you have the booze out of your body, you can experience post acute withdrawal syndrome.
I took this from a site I thought was informative regarding PAWS:
Here is what they say to do deal with it:
Fuzzy thinking (AKA brain fog)
* Inability to concentrate
* Problems with memory
* Inability to develop a normal sleep pattern
* Repetitive thinking
* Emotions that feel out of control
* Difficulties managing stress
* Problems with coordination
* Feelings of depression
* Feelings of anxiety
* The individual may feel like they lack initiative
* Cravings
* Feeling tired all the time
* Difficulty experiencing pleasure – this is also referred to as anhedonia
* Problems getting along with other people
* Obsessive compulsive disorder
* Feelings of guilt
Here is the full website if you want more info. I liked it because it was short and sweet:
http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/post-acute-withdrawal-symptoms/
So, I am not a a raving lunatic. I am suffering from PAWS. My SIL said it can last for days! Oh joy!
Thank you again sobermummy for pointing this out. Knowing what I am experiencing and realizing that it's part of the journey can help me not go back to the bottle!
So, what did I do to make myself feel better:
Well, I booked a massage for this evening. And, please don't shoot me, I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one! (I only smoke when I'm super stressed it seems….I am working on that!)
I am also very thankful that this is a real thing and not my new non drinking personality!!!
Now that I am fully aware of PAWS, I will have a plan in place so that I can deal with it better than I have today…and that plan will not include smoking!
I went for that massage. I am a massage junky! I just love them. They are one of my favorite things. You know what I did through my hour massage? I cried! and I couldn't stop! And, the massage place was next to a liquor store! But, I didn't go in. I realize that I am just experiencing what I really brought on myself (PAWS) by having drank so much! I WILL GET THRU THIS!
I do wonder…does everyone who quits drinking experience PAWS or am I just one of the unlucky ones? Ugh!
Hoping you make an action plan in case PAWS hits you!
Love,
Sober at 53
April 8, 2016
Hello!
Ok, y'day I posted a "psycho" blog post. The first part I was on a high note (the pink cloud).
The second part I was on a low note (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome - PAWS)
I rec'd an e-mail from sobermummy suggesting that I was suffering from PAWS. I referred to her blog and sure enough it seemed like I was indeed experiencing PAWS. I was on that roller coaster that she writes about! (If you haven't already, you should really really read her blog. It has helped me so very much!
http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com)
Then, I called my sister in law, who went through recovery about 7 years ago and now works as a recovery counselor. Unfortunately she lives 2000 miles away from me! She told me that in her experience PAWS hits around day 30, 60, 90, etc. and can keep on hitting up until the 2 year mark (Oh fuck!)
I googled PAWS and there is SO MUCH info. about it. Apparently, most people relapse during the PAWS period. When you are first quitting, you can experience acute withdrawal syndrome. Then, once you have the booze out of your body, you can experience post acute withdrawal syndrome.
I took this from a site I thought was informative regarding PAWS:
One of the most common symptoms of PAWS is the feeling that the individual is on an emotional rollercoaster. They might swing from feelings of happiness to despair in a matter of minutes. These intense fluctuations in mood can be quite disturbing for the individual who is not used to dealing with feelings. In the past they will have been able to turn to alcohol or drugs to escape uncomfortable emotions. Now they are left to face them and this can take a bit of getting used to.
One of the common experiences that people have in early recovery is pink cloud syndrome. This is where they go through a period of feeling exceptionally happy. The pink cloud is an enjoyable experience, but there are also some hidden dangers associated with. One problem is that people can feel so good about things that they begin to neglect the work they need to do in order to remain sober. There is also the risk when the pink cloud ends the individual will feel terribly disappointed and they will use this as an excuse to return to alcohol or drug abuse.
Here is what they say to do deal with it:
Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms do not tend to be there all the time. They come and go and most people will find that they have mostly disappeared within the first few months of recovery. The individual can help to speed the recovery process along by:
* Ensuring that they eat a balanced diet and taking nutritional supplements as prescribed by their doctor. If these symptoms are being caused by nutritional deficiencies then eating a balanced diet should help to address this.
* Exercise is not only good for physical health but also for mental well-being. It is important that people in recovery devote at least a little time each day to physical activity.
* Meditation is a wonderful tool for improving concentration and developing inner peace. Those who are dealing with PAWS can find it difficult to mediate, but they can begin by learning some simple breathing exercises.
* Those people who belong to a recovery group are likely to find that this provides them with support and advice.
* Exercise is not only good for physical health but also for mental well-being. It is important that people in recovery devote at least a little time each day to physical activity.
* Meditation is a wonderful tool for improving concentration and developing inner peace. Those who are dealing with PAWS can find it difficult to mediate, but they can begin by learning some simple breathing exercises.
* Those people who belong to a recovery group are likely to find that this provides them with support and advice.
* One of the important tasks for early recovery is for people to develop skills for dealing with stress. A good reason for attending rehab is that it gives the individual a head start in developing such coping mechanisms.
* It is important that those who are dealing with PAWS realize that these symptoms will almost certainly disappear once they are established in recovery.
These are the symptoms:* It is important that those who are dealing with PAWS realize that these symptoms will almost certainly disappear once they are established in recovery.
Fuzzy thinking (AKA brain fog)
* Inability to concentrate
* Problems with memory
* Inability to develop a normal sleep pattern
* Repetitive thinking
* Emotions that feel out of control
* Difficulties managing stress
* Problems with coordination
* Feelings of depression
* Feelings of anxiety
* The individual may feel like they lack initiative
* Cravings
* Feeling tired all the time
* Difficulty experiencing pleasure – this is also referred to as anhedonia
* Problems getting along with other people
* Obsessive compulsive disorder
* Feelings of guilt
Here is the full website if you want more info. I liked it because it was short and sweet:
http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/post-acute-withdrawal-symptoms/
So, I am not a a raving lunatic. I am suffering from PAWS. My SIL said it can last for days! Oh joy!
Thank you again sobermummy for pointing this out. Knowing what I am experiencing and realizing that it's part of the journey can help me not go back to the bottle!
So, what did I do to make myself feel better:
Well, I booked a massage for this evening. And, please don't shoot me, I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked one! (I only smoke when I'm super stressed it seems….I am working on that!)
I am also very thankful that this is a real thing and not my new non drinking personality!!!
Now that I am fully aware of PAWS, I will have a plan in place so that I can deal with it better than I have today…and that plan will not include smoking!
I went for that massage. I am a massage junky! I just love them. They are one of my favorite things. You know what I did through my hour massage? I cried! and I couldn't stop! And, the massage place was next to a liquor store! But, I didn't go in. I realize that I am just experiencing what I really brought on myself (PAWS) by having drank so much! I WILL GET THRU THIS!
I do wonder…does everyone who quits drinking experience PAWS or am I just one of the unlucky ones? Ugh!
Hoping you make an action plan in case PAWS hits you!
Love,
Sober at 53
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Day 60!!!! Happy and Sad/Angry/Pissed
April 7, 2016
Day 60
Hello!
I have nothing to post today except that today is DAY 60!!!! I NEVER thought that I could do this! I am actually in awe of myself! I quit something that was ingrained in my life! I lost my best friend…WINE! Or so I thought! Good self esteem is my new best friend!
Was it hard to quit? Hell ya, and it still is!!! I am learning to deal with my emotions that I ensconced in wine over the last 10 years plus! I am learning a new way to "be." Sometimes, I don't know what to do with myself! I read a lot of books and blogs about living alcohol free!
One thing I will say today, is that if you come across this blog post and you yourself want to get to Day 60 (I just love saying Day 60…there! I said it again!) read Jason Vale's book "Quit the Drink….easily." Soooo many bloggers recommend this book. They all must've gotten something out of it! It is such a different way of thinking about quitting drinking…for me, and I think for a lot of the other bloggers who recommend it, it has really really helped. It seems so simple. I HIGHLY recommend it. It will help you to get to Day 60!
So Congratulations to me! I can't believe it! This motivates me to keep going! I love the milestones! I just hope this journey doesn't get any harder!!! I think my honeymoon phase is over! (Yikes!)
Hoping you get to Day 60 and beyond!
Ok..so I wrote the above in the morning! I was flying high! So I thought it would be a good day to take my measurements. The last time I took them was on Feb 26th. Guess what????????? NO F'ing CHANGE!!!! WTF??? What did I do? I cried and contemplated digging into the leftover Easter candy! I have been pretty good with my diet (last week i was on vacation so it was free for all…but altogether…not that bad..no wine!). So, my "honeymoon phase" is definitely over!!! I always thought that if I could quit drinking I would lose weight! I guess not! Now, I am at the high end of the normal BMI range for my height. I would so like to be in the middle of that range! When I was drinking, maybe I subconsciously didn't eat a lot and saved my calories for wine? Maybe the wine dehydrated me so I have a lot of catching up to do now? I don't know! I am sad, angry and so pissed! The weight loss was my goal…and 60 days and NOTHING!! Aaaaaargh!!!!! And I exercise like an animal! I do bootcamp 4 days a week and I do some sort of flexibility class 2 other days, and run when I can! Is there such a thing as too much exercise for weight loss? I highly doubt it! I am thru menopause…have been for 11 years. So that's not it! I have been following Weight Watchers, albeit loosely. OMG..I am so depressed about this! And yes, this has produced a wine craving!!! I just want to climb in the bottle! I thought by quitting, in addition to the mental change I would also be getting an "outward" physiological change. No such luck! It is making this journey even harder for me than it already is! I know, I know, good things are happening inside of my body from being alcohol free (at least I hope so!) But I am vain! I want the outside changes as well….and fast! Damn, Damn, Damn!!!! Even my "Happy" Playlist is not gonna get me out of this funk..sigh.
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 60
Hello!
I have nothing to post today except that today is DAY 60!!!! I NEVER thought that I could do this! I am actually in awe of myself! I quit something that was ingrained in my life! I lost my best friend…WINE! Or so I thought! Good self esteem is my new best friend!
Was it hard to quit? Hell ya, and it still is!!! I am learning to deal with my emotions that I ensconced in wine over the last 10 years plus! I am learning a new way to "be." Sometimes, I don't know what to do with myself! I read a lot of books and blogs about living alcohol free!
One thing I will say today, is that if you come across this blog post and you yourself want to get to Day 60 (I just love saying Day 60…there! I said it again!) read Jason Vale's book "Quit the Drink….easily." Soooo many bloggers recommend this book. They all must've gotten something out of it! It is such a different way of thinking about quitting drinking…for me, and I think for a lot of the other bloggers who recommend it, it has really really helped. It seems so simple. I HIGHLY recommend it. It will help you to get to Day 60!
So Congratulations to me! I can't believe it! This motivates me to keep going! I love the milestones! I just hope this journey doesn't get any harder!!! I think my honeymoon phase is over! (Yikes!)
Hoping you get to Day 60 and beyond!
Ok..so I wrote the above in the morning! I was flying high! So I thought it would be a good day to take my measurements. The last time I took them was on Feb 26th. Guess what????????? NO F'ing CHANGE!!!! WTF??? What did I do? I cried and contemplated digging into the leftover Easter candy! I have been pretty good with my diet (last week i was on vacation so it was free for all…but altogether…not that bad..no wine!). So, my "honeymoon phase" is definitely over!!! I always thought that if I could quit drinking I would lose weight! I guess not! Now, I am at the high end of the normal BMI range for my height. I would so like to be in the middle of that range! When I was drinking, maybe I subconsciously didn't eat a lot and saved my calories for wine? Maybe the wine dehydrated me so I have a lot of catching up to do now? I don't know! I am sad, angry and so pissed! The weight loss was my goal…and 60 days and NOTHING!! Aaaaaargh!!!!! And I exercise like an animal! I do bootcamp 4 days a week and I do some sort of flexibility class 2 other days, and run when I can! Is there such a thing as too much exercise for weight loss? I highly doubt it! I am thru menopause…have been for 11 years. So that's not it! I have been following Weight Watchers, albeit loosely. OMG..I am so depressed about this! And yes, this has produced a wine craving!!! I just want to climb in the bottle! I thought by quitting, in addition to the mental change I would also be getting an "outward" physiological change. No such luck! It is making this journey even harder for me than it already is! I know, I know, good things are happening inside of my body from being alcohol free (at least I hope so!) But I am vain! I want the outside changes as well….and fast! Damn, Damn, Damn!!!! Even my "Happy" Playlist is not gonna get me out of this funk..sigh.
Love,
Sober at 53
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Day 59 - Music
April 6, 2016
Day 59
Hello!
Quitting drinking has given me a case of the grumpies! When it rears its head..WATCH OUT! (Oh dear Lord, I pray that this is not my new personality!!!!) And while it does come a lot at "wine time," it also hits me at odd times…times when I wouldn't have even been drinking. I think I have an overall anger about having to quit drinking. I'm pissed that I got myself to the place where I have a problem with wine. I am jealous of the people who can only have one or two, I'm mad that the weight is not falling off (WTF? 6500 calories a week gone!!!! So NOT FAIR!). So, my grumpiness is like a "veil" that hangs over me. Well, I found something that helps to take away my grumpies! MUSIC!
I made a new playlist titled "HAPPY!" I put songs on it that hold some positive emotions for me, some that remind me of something funny or beautiful that happened, some that are just fun to sing and dance to. And my faves…a few that are "off color" that just crack me up! Each song has a special meaning to me. All good meanings!
Some examples: (and yes, I realize I gave way too many, but I just don't know which to delete..so I'm not deleting any of them!)
"Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen…that album came out when I was in HS and the cover just cracked me the hell up. A bunch of naked women riding bikes. Back then I was intrigued. Now, I want to be on that bike..naked! (Damn! not happening- no weight loss!!!)
"And She Was" by Talking Heads….My dad had a very ugly gold convertible and he would drive with the top down all of the time (even in the snow!). When this song came on, he would physically stand up in the convertible and fist pump whatever cars were nearby. We heard many a story of him fist pumping our friends!
"Turn it on Again" by Genesis…I was the biggest Genesis fan in HS and College! I even got to see them once! My first slow dance with a boy was to this song!
"Snow" by Red Hot Chili Peppers - Because my daughter ROCKS this song like it's nobody's business!
"Ain't that Right" by G. Love…the song is so chill and it just makes me feel happy! Not to mention that my oldest son turned me onto G. Love and Special Sauce!
"Any Song by Bruce Springsteen" …because I am a Bruce Groupie! I have seen him a lot of times in concert!
"Banana Pancakes" by Jack Johnson - A beautiful little diddy of a love song that is so upbeat and just makes you feel good! (anything by Jack Johnson is great!)
"You're the Inspiration" by Chicago - My wedding song almost 28 years ago! 28 of the BEST years of Mr. Soberat53's life! hahaha (I hope he doesn't read this!)
"Wonder" by Natalie Merchant..this song is written about Natalie's best friend who has a baby with down syndrome. It's just beautiful and meaningful to me!
"Dick in a Box" by Justin Timberlake…this is an "off color" song that just cracks me up. It is from a skit on Saturday Night Live. If you haven't seen it, I implore you google it! You will just laugh hysterically! (If you are prim and proper, unlike me, don't google it or listen to the song!)
What I am finding now is that in every song on my"Happy" playlist (and there are 72 songs) I can find words and lyrics in each and every song (well maybe not "Dick in a Box) that make me thing of my not drinking…in a positive way…and these songs of course, really have a different meaning overall…but I am interpreting them my own way! Hey, artistry is subjective, right?
Examples: (and these are just titles that have meaning! Never mind the lyrics! I could go on and on)
"Don't Stop Thinking about Tomorrow" by Fleetwood Mac (self explanatory and so apropos for us!)
"Better Now" by Collective Soul (oh yeah..I'm better now!)
"Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd (yep, that USE to be me!)
"Fooling Yourself" by Styx (I fooled myself and others for years with my drinking! No more!)
"Peace of Mind" by Boston (I am getting there..have a ways to go!)
"Drunk on a Plane" by Dierks Bentley (that WAS me…no more!)
"Someone New" by Hozier (yep, I'm someone new…even to myself..just hoping it's not grumpy!)
etc., etc., etc!
You get the idea! I can't help but feel some sort of happiness when one of the songs from this playlist comes on. I'm listening to it now while I'm typing this!!! Music can be so powerful!
Hoping you find "inspiration" and "happiness" from whatever music you are listening to!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 59
Hello!
Quitting drinking has given me a case of the grumpies! When it rears its head..WATCH OUT! (Oh dear Lord, I pray that this is not my new personality!!!!) And while it does come a lot at "wine time," it also hits me at odd times…times when I wouldn't have even been drinking. I think I have an overall anger about having to quit drinking. I'm pissed that I got myself to the place where I have a problem with wine. I am jealous of the people who can only have one or two, I'm mad that the weight is not falling off (WTF? 6500 calories a week gone!!!! So NOT FAIR!). So, my grumpiness is like a "veil" that hangs over me. Well, I found something that helps to take away my grumpies! MUSIC!
I made a new playlist titled "HAPPY!" I put songs on it that hold some positive emotions for me, some that remind me of something funny or beautiful that happened, some that are just fun to sing and dance to. And my faves…a few that are "off color" that just crack me up! Each song has a special meaning to me. All good meanings!
Some examples: (and yes, I realize I gave way too many, but I just don't know which to delete..so I'm not deleting any of them!)
"Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen…that album came out when I was in HS and the cover just cracked me the hell up. A bunch of naked women riding bikes. Back then I was intrigued. Now, I want to be on that bike..naked! (Damn! not happening- no weight loss!!!)
"And She Was" by Talking Heads….My dad had a very ugly gold convertible and he would drive with the top down all of the time (even in the snow!). When this song came on, he would physically stand up in the convertible and fist pump whatever cars were nearby. We heard many a story of him fist pumping our friends!
"Turn it on Again" by Genesis…I was the biggest Genesis fan in HS and College! I even got to see them once! My first slow dance with a boy was to this song!
"Snow" by Red Hot Chili Peppers - Because my daughter ROCKS this song like it's nobody's business!
"Ain't that Right" by G. Love…the song is so chill and it just makes me feel happy! Not to mention that my oldest son turned me onto G. Love and Special Sauce!
"Any Song by Bruce Springsteen" …because I am a Bruce Groupie! I have seen him a lot of times in concert!
"Banana Pancakes" by Jack Johnson - A beautiful little diddy of a love song that is so upbeat and just makes you feel good! (anything by Jack Johnson is great!)
"You're the Inspiration" by Chicago - My wedding song almost 28 years ago! 28 of the BEST years of Mr. Soberat53's life! hahaha (I hope he doesn't read this!)
"Wonder" by Natalie Merchant..this song is written about Natalie's best friend who has a baby with down syndrome. It's just beautiful and meaningful to me!
"Dick in a Box" by Justin Timberlake…this is an "off color" song that just cracks me up. It is from a skit on Saturday Night Live. If you haven't seen it, I implore you google it! You will just laugh hysterically! (If you are prim and proper, unlike me, don't google it or listen to the song!)
What I am finding now is that in every song on my"Happy" playlist (and there are 72 songs) I can find words and lyrics in each and every song (well maybe not "Dick in a Box) that make me thing of my not drinking…in a positive way…and these songs of course, really have a different meaning overall…but I am interpreting them my own way! Hey, artistry is subjective, right?
Examples: (and these are just titles that have meaning! Never mind the lyrics! I could go on and on)
"Don't Stop Thinking about Tomorrow" by Fleetwood Mac (self explanatory and so apropos for us!)
"Better Now" by Collective Soul (oh yeah..I'm better now!)
"Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd (yep, that USE to be me!)
"Fooling Yourself" by Styx (I fooled myself and others for years with my drinking! No more!)
"Peace of Mind" by Boston (I am getting there..have a ways to go!)
"Drunk on a Plane" by Dierks Bentley (that WAS me…no more!)
"Someone New" by Hozier (yep, I'm someone new…even to myself..just hoping it's not grumpy!)
etc., etc., etc!
You get the idea! I can't help but feel some sort of happiness when one of the songs from this playlist comes on. I'm listening to it now while I'm typing this!!! Music can be so powerful!
Hoping you find "inspiration" and "happiness" from whatever music you are listening to!
Love,
Sober at 53
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Day 58 - Drinking and Special Needs
April 5, 2016
Day 58
Hello!
I have a child with special needs. She is a teenager with down syndrome. She is great! She has changed our family's lives for the better. Everyone should be so blessed! BUT…having a child with special needs requires a different kind of "work" than my typical kids.
First off, there is so much to do regarding your child's school system. There are many meetings, testing of your your child, people who hold low expectations when yours are high…and you try to help them to see that…with MAJOR EFFORT and sometimes not a lot of success!
Next, there is the whole "friendship" thing. It is definitely not easy for my daughter to make friends who are "typical." Of course, there are a gazillion people that are more than kind to her, but she doesn't get invited to typical parties, sleepovers, movies, etc. Thank goodness she has a group of kids with special needs that she loves to be with!
Then, there is the whole "period" thing. It took 3 years for her to understand it…That is 36 months worth of periods! It wasn't fun!!!
There is also boyfriends…yes, she does have a boyfriend with down syndrome. And they make out…a lot! (OMG! I am so happy for her to experience those feelings…but I am not quite sure about how to handle the "other stuff!")
There is worry about her future…her inability to understand money, her sadness at not being able to get a drivers license (she could, but she failed the written test..but will try again one day)
Yada, yada, yada!!!
I am very involved in the special needs community. I have found that MANY of us moms of kids with special needs drink…a lot! I did my own unscientific study and I believe that the parents of people with special needs drink a lot more. I had mentioned in a previous post (Past attempts at Quitting) that I participated in a drinking program at a state college. I told them they should do their program with moms of kids with special needs. They said that wasn't the first time that they've been asked that!
So..does stress make you drink more? We all have stress.. I can't begin to tell you the stress that my 2 other kids have put me through at different times. Why do many moms of kids with special needs, including myself, drink more? I think for me, it was an escape. I didn't have to worry about any of the above mentioned "worries"..and many that I haven't mentioned…when I was 3 sheets to the wind!
It always amazed me that there are actually moms of kids with special needs who don't ever drink! It made me feel like a bad mother because they have the same stress and worry's that I do, but they deal with it while I numb them! But now, I am one of them!!! Go me! But, I haven't had any new stresses or worries regarding my daughter in the 58 days since I've quit drinking. I wonder what will happened when I do? There are some school meetings coming up for her in May. Last year I had to hire a special needs lawyer to help me. I am not looking forward to the meetings. One thing I know is that I will be nervous, but clear headed when I go into them. I worry about when I come out of the meetings. Those are usually big drinking nights for me. I am going to have to find something else to help me deal. Thank goodness I have a month to figure out something!!! Maybe I should ask my aforementioned non drinking friends what they do instead of downing a bottle or two of wine!
Wishing you ways to deal with your stress that don't include drinking!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 48 - Lent is over tomorrow !
March 26, 2016
Day 48
Hello!
Well, tomorrow is Easter Sunday and Lent will be over.
I have only told people that I gave up the booze for Lent.
Now what?
Two of my siblings asked me if I was going to "rip it up" on Easter. I just laughed. But inside I was frantic about what I was going to say on Easter. You see, I'm not ready to come clean. My therapist said I should so I would have ownership. But, I am, for the most part, a private drinker. Of course I drank on social occasions (and many times too much!) but my daily drinking was done in the privacy of my own home so nobody really knew how much I drank. Not even me until I quit!
I am worried that if people knew I quit, that I would stop getting invited to social events where there would be alcohol. I might be thought of as "not fun" anymore. Plus, I know that when you tell people that you quit drinking there is a) the judgement that you were a raging drunk and had a problem and b) it makes people feel badly about their own drinking.
As far as a) goes...I have made that assumption myself,..hindsight tells me that that is not always the case! Look, even if you only had one drink a night, if you felt that that was a problem for you, then you have a problem (oh how I wish that was my problem!).
As far as b) my drinking compadre, whom I've mentioned previously, had a hard time talking to me on the phone (at our usual drinking times) because she said she didn't want to "tempt" me into drinking, my quitting made her feel badly about her own drinking, and she had some level of jealously because she to wants to be a non-drinker. Mind you, she is one of my closest friends, so if she felt this way who knows what others would feel like!
But the BIG thing for me is WHAT IF I FAIL????? this is a real fear! I am still in the "honeymoon period." It's only been 48 days since my last drink! Look how I substitute cigarettes sometimes! I quit years ago and now I'm dabbling again. I don't trust myself! (I did start the Wellbutrin today!)
So, what am I going to say tomorrow???? I KNOW it is going to come up. I think I just might say that I am driving. I don't know!!! I guess I'll play it by ear! Wish me luck! I need it! Sigh...
I also hope the stress of his doesn't increase my cravings!!! Please Lord..NO!
Hoping you find the words that work for you!
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 48
Hello!
Well, tomorrow is Easter Sunday and Lent will be over.
I have only told people that I gave up the booze for Lent.
Now what?
Two of my siblings asked me if I was going to "rip it up" on Easter. I just laughed. But inside I was frantic about what I was going to say on Easter. You see, I'm not ready to come clean. My therapist said I should so I would have ownership. But, I am, for the most part, a private drinker. Of course I drank on social occasions (and many times too much!) but my daily drinking was done in the privacy of my own home so nobody really knew how much I drank. Not even me until I quit!
I am worried that if people knew I quit, that I would stop getting invited to social events where there would be alcohol. I might be thought of as "not fun" anymore. Plus, I know that when you tell people that you quit drinking there is a) the judgement that you were a raging drunk and had a problem and b) it makes people feel badly about their own drinking.
As far as a) goes...I have made that assumption myself,..hindsight tells me that that is not always the case! Look, even if you only had one drink a night, if you felt that that was a problem for you, then you have a problem (oh how I wish that was my problem!).
As far as b) my drinking compadre, whom I've mentioned previously, had a hard time talking to me on the phone (at our usual drinking times) because she said she didn't want to "tempt" me into drinking, my quitting made her feel badly about her own drinking, and she had some level of jealously because she to wants to be a non-drinker. Mind you, she is one of my closest friends, so if she felt this way who knows what others would feel like!
But the BIG thing for me is WHAT IF I FAIL????? this is a real fear! I am still in the "honeymoon period." It's only been 48 days since my last drink! Look how I substitute cigarettes sometimes! I quit years ago and now I'm dabbling again. I don't trust myself! (I did start the Wellbutrin today!)
So, what am I going to say tomorrow???? I KNOW it is going to come up. I think I just might say that I am driving. I don't know!!! I guess I'll play it by ear! Wish me luck! I need it! Sigh...
I also hope the stress of his doesn't increase my cravings!!! Please Lord..NO!
Hoping you find the words that work for you!
Love,
Sober at 53
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Day 55 - If I can do it so can you!
April 2, 2016
Day 55
Hello!
"If I can do it, so can you!"
I have a love/hate relationship with these words.
The love part:
When someone says those words to me, whether it be for quitting drinking, quitting smoking, running a race, losing weight....whatever....I think "wow! They think they are worse than me! They think I can do this! They have faith in me when I have NONE in myself! Maybe I can do this! They know what their struggle was and they think that my struggle would be easier! That gives me a sense of hope...well, it used to! I understand that people say those words because they are proud of themselves. I so get that! I am proud of them too and want what they have accomplished!
The hate part:
I KNOW how bad I am! I KNOW my inner struggles and turmoil. I also KNOW my strengths. What if I can't do it easier than them? What if I fail? Then that statement would make me feel even worse!
I have a dear friend that is also trying to quit drinking. I said those words to her when I first started my alcohol free journey. I said them because I honestly believed she could do it easier and better than me. They were said with love and hope. Guess what? She didn't succeed. I bet she feels even worse about her not be able to stop drinking because of those words I said to her. She keeps telling me that I am her hero. I keep telling her that she is her own hero. I know she says that I am her hero because she wants what I have (not drinking) and in her mind, and maybe rightfully so (only she knows) the struggle is harder for her.
So, I vow to never say those words to anybody again! I don't know what anybody's inner struggles are....just as nobody knows what mine are. Even though nobody says those words as a judgement, I feel that it is an indirect sort of judgement. We never know what's really going on in someone's mind so how can we determine if their journey will be easier or more difficult than ours?
Hoping you find your inner strength to accomplish what you set out to do! (Does that sound better???)
Love,
Sober at 53
Friday, April 1, 2016
Day 54 - Sip and click
April 1, 2016
Day 54
Hello!
I wasn't going to write a post today but then I saw something really interesting on the Today Show this morning. They did a segment on "Sip and Click." It is when you are drinking and you go online and make purchases. I don't know about you but I have certainly done my share of "sipping and clicking!" I have purchased things that I didn't need. I have purchased clothing in the wrong size....even after knowing I'd been drinking and swearing I scrutinized my shopping cart before hitting "purchase." I have also joined wine clubs and have made high end purchases that I always end up returning (and just for the record, I am awful at returning things!). I remember last summer I had a destination wedding in Bermuda and I purchased about 6 dresses online (while drinking)...and you know what? ALL of them were inappropriate for a Bermuda wedding! And one of them is still sitting in a box...too late to return!
At least I know that I am not alone! The today show did a segment on it! (If you want to see it go to today.com and scroll down to "Put down that drink.") It was really funny what some of the women purchased...a Star Wars light saber ice pop maker, a Baywatch video, and my personal favorite...a Richard Simmons video! That one just cracked me up! The piece said that sales go up after 2 am on Friday nights. (I bet that number is down now that I'm not sipping and clicking!). Lingerie sales during that time are up 50%...high end shoe sales are up a whopping 165%!!!!!
So think of all of the $$$ we are saving in addition to our booze $$$ by not drinking! Although, I must say that there was no alcohol involved in my shoe purchase splurge yesterday!!
Hoping you stay away from "sipping and clicking!"
Love,
Sober at 53
Day 54
Hello!
I wasn't going to write a post today but then I saw something really interesting on the Today Show this morning. They did a segment on "Sip and Click." It is when you are drinking and you go online and make purchases. I don't know about you but I have certainly done my share of "sipping and clicking!" I have purchased things that I didn't need. I have purchased clothing in the wrong size....even after knowing I'd been drinking and swearing I scrutinized my shopping cart before hitting "purchase." I have also joined wine clubs and have made high end purchases that I always end up returning (and just for the record, I am awful at returning things!). I remember last summer I had a destination wedding in Bermuda and I purchased about 6 dresses online (while drinking)...and you know what? ALL of them were inappropriate for a Bermuda wedding! And one of them is still sitting in a box...too late to return!
At least I know that I am not alone! The today show did a segment on it! (If you want to see it go to today.com and scroll down to "Put down that drink.") It was really funny what some of the women purchased...a Star Wars light saber ice pop maker, a Baywatch video, and my personal favorite...a Richard Simmons video! That one just cracked me up! The piece said that sales go up after 2 am on Friday nights. (I bet that number is down now that I'm not sipping and clicking!). Lingerie sales during that time are up 50%...high end shoe sales are up a whopping 165%!!!!!
So think of all of the $$$ we are saving in addition to our booze $$$ by not drinking! Although, I must say that there was no alcohol involved in my shoe purchase splurge yesterday!!
Hoping you stay away from "sipping and clicking!"
Love,
Sober at 53
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