Day 71 - The Four Agreements

April 18, 2016
Day 71
Hello!

As we all know, when you stop drinking, you have to learn how to deal with your emotions.  I find this to be VERY challenging, as I masked my true emotions with wine...cabernet to be exact!

The "good" emotions are just that..good to deal with.  No problem there except I can't have my "celebratory" glass/bottle of the grape!  But the "bad" emotions..Yikes!

I had mentioned previously that I started to go to a therapist.  In explaining to her how poorly I have been dealing with those bad emotions, she made me think about how my emotions were when I was physically drinking and then, the next day, when I was tired and crawling my way through the day (I hate to call them hangovers..because then I would have to dub myself the Queen of them!)

She suggested I read this book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.  Honestly, it was a life changer for me.  I HIGHLY recommend it (although the first chapter was very difficult to get through for me...the rest went by like a breeze)You can also download it as a free PDF file.

So, what are the Four Agreements?  Here is a summary by the author:

the four agreements - don miguel ruiz's code for life

agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3 

Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4 

Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

So, how does this relate to the emotions that I now have to learn to deal with?  

Agreement 1..Be Impeccable with your word...when I was drinking, ANYTHING flowed out of my mouth! I had no filter!  I was NOT impeccable with my word.  How many things must I have said that hurt someone?  My husband, my children, my friends?  I can't even begin to imagine because I'm really scared of the answer to that question.  But now, I am trying hard to have a filter, think before I speak and not gossip!  It is an effort and I keep catching myself, but it helps me to think about others and not speak about them or to them negatively.  It makes me a better, kinder human being.

Agreement 2..Don't take anything personally...oh boy...that one hits home for me.  I was so the "woe is me" type when I was drinking. I was always the VICTIM!!  Anything that anyone did I would take it as a personal affront.  Mr. Soberat53 didn't take out the garbage?  he must not care enough about me, because now I have to do it.  My friend said she'd call me back in an hour and it's been 3 hours?  What did I do wrong?  How rude of her not to keep her word. she must not really like me!  You get the idea.  But now, I realize that what somebody else does is really a reflection of THEM and not me!  Mr. Sober53 forgot to take out the garbage?  Not about me...he is just always so forgetful (that's about him!)  My girlfriend didn't call me back?  Not about me...who knows what she got tied up with and couldn't call back (that's about her!) This agreement REALLY helps me.  It takes away the "woe is me" factor and now lets me realize that everybody has their "stuff" and it's not always about me.  I almost think it was selfish of me to think that it was all about me!  This agreement really set me free.  It helped me to get rid of some angry, sad and fearful emotions that I felt were just "part of life."    They aren't anymore!  It took away the VICTIM in me.  I so LOVE my new way of thinking!  It actually makes me happy! 

Agreement 3 - Don't make Assumptions - This is one that I also love!  For me, it ties into Agreement 2.  I just assumed that my girlfriend didn't like me anymore because she didn't call me back when she said she would.  That was an assumption that I had made.  When I spoke to her the next day, I would be kind of quiet because I was hurt that I wasn't the most important person on her list!!!  That was me assuming.  Instead, I could've asked her WHY she didn't call me back.  Maybe she had a sick child she needed to tend to, maybe she had a headache, etc...I made it about me because I made an assumption as to why! What makes me love this one so much is that I now often think "What do people assume about me?"  The flip side really really makes you think.  Because, most likely, since we all make assumptions, and a lot of them incorrectly, the assumptions people make about me are most likely incorrect.  Oh, I didn't call YOU back when I said I would?  How are you to know that I was on the phone for hours with my child, who is away at college, who was having a bad day?  You probably assumed that I just forgot.  But, you would be wrong!  And on the converse side, if you don't ask me why I didn't call you back, it would be kind of me to tell you!  So, never make assumptions about anyone else!  We never know what's going on in someone else's world! It helps to alleviate some worry that I had.  Plus it feels good not to assume!!  It is such a freeing feeling And, it's all about COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION!!!!!!! And good communication can help alleviate or prevent some of the bad emotions!

Agreement 4 - Always Do Your Best - I find this difficult!  It's hard for me to figure out what my best is.  Should I be pushing myself harder at things?  What if my best isn't good enough?  The author explains that your best IS always good enough.  So, I try to just do my best in my day to day endeavors. I am doing my best to keep the Agreements.  I am doing my best not to drink (and that is a biggie!)  I am doing my best at just being.  It's not easy, because sometimes I find that I'm doing my best on being angry, and sad, and jealous...etc.  But then I remind myself of the Agreements and I am trying my best to keep them, thus helping me to reduce my feelings of  angry, sad and jealous.  I am trying to be the Best person that I can be..today.  Tomorrow, my best might be different!  In an hour it might be...but I am trying!

Emotions are part of life.  We all have them, we all have to deal with them.  I am finding that the Four Agreements are helping me to deal with them a little bit better!  And that my friends, is a good start to emotional healing!

Wishing you a great day of dealing with your emotions!

Love,

Sober at 53