Day 66 - Pity Party

April 13, 2016
Day 66

Welcome to my Pity Party!
I am having a real "woe is me" kinda day.  It's the kind of day where I actually physically feel my sadness.  You know the kind where your stomach drops as low as it can go?  Your body feels like it's stuck in the "sigh" position?  Yep, that's what I'm having.  I feel like I'm stuck in a fishbowl looking out at the world and I can't get out.   I am feeling soooooo very sorry for myself.

1. I am so sad that I am in this place.  Why did I let myself drink so much that now I have to work really hard to quit!!!  (I know I got myself into this place and I can get myself out!)
2. I feel like everybody else can drink responsibly except for me.  (I know that is not true)
3. I feel like hardly anybody reads my blog. (That is fine, because I wrote it for me for accountability...but I was hoping to meet a lot of new people going thru exactly what I'm going thru.  For what it's worth, I do read and comment on a lot of blogs. That helps me)
4. I have a huge function to go to in NYC on Friday night for a charity that my husband is very involved with.  I went last year and I was bored...he wasn't.  I also drank a lot.  This year I can't so I will be even more bored!  I thought I would look better and the weather would be nicer so I could buy something cool to wear for the photo ops.  (I do want to go to support my husband.  It is important to him & I secretly submitted a photo of him running in a 1/2 marathon for said charity....he will be surprised!)
5. I thought by now I would be down a lot of weight.  No such luck.  (From what I read, and from some replies I have rec'd that will come eventually...but I'm impatient!  I want that reward for my wine sacrifice!)
6. I'm sad that the rest of my life will be alcohol free.  Maybe one day, after a lot of time passes AF, I can become a responsible drinker?  (I know that I can't.  Old habits die hard!)
7. I'm pissed at myself that I still find myself sometimes reaching for a cigarette (no positive flip side on this one!)
8. I am feeling very lonely on this journey.  I still don't want to tell anybody.  I don't want to be judged.  While I like having my own personal secret, I think it may be isolating me  (I know...I could go to AA (that's another story for another day), I could tell more people)

And the list goes on!  I know this must have something to do with PAWS.  How can I get it every week?  Is that even possible?  So, I exercised today, I got myself a pedicure, I purchased some new Lululemon exercise pants and I bought a crumb cake (I only ate the crumb part!..No wonder why the weight is not falling off???)  And, I did all this and I still feel the same sadness.  

But, it was helpful to write this, and I did force myself to think of something positive to write after each "woe."  So one day when I look back on this, I can see that there are options to get myself out of my pity party.  I'm just not feeling it today....sigh....

Thank you for coming to my pity party.  Please feel free to take one of my "woe's" as your party favor...because that's what kind of party this is....Hmm...maybe you can take the whole damn fishbowl with you!   

Love,

Sober at 53