February 8, 2016
Day 2
Hello!
Well, today is Monday and Day 2!
It was sooooo good to wake up after a good nights sleep (In part because of my lack of "real sleep" the previous night!) and with ZERO self-loathing! That's right…NO SELF LOATHING! That is a HUGE part of my drinking process. Start drinking whilst making dinner….have more with dinner…have more with Mr. 53 after dinner while watching TV. Mr. 53 goes to bed..I get on the phone with my aforementioned drinking compadre (Party Hostess) and drink more. It's party time. After I finish a bottle of wine, I fight with myself as to whether or not I should uncork another one. I KNOW I shouldn't, but sometimes I do..a lot of times I do.
I think, if I'm being totally honest, I drink a bottle and a glass each night. Mr. 53 used to drink like me, but in the last 3 years he has been able to have 2 glasses a night and stop (Yeah! more for me!!!) So, when bed time for me finally rolls around, between 11:30 and 12:30, I'm blotto. I drink a huge glass of water before I go to bed thinking that will stave off the alcohol effects (yeah, right!). Sometimes I even take ADVIL, but not often as I figure I am already hurting my liver with wine. So, I fall asleep like a newborn baby. But, I wake up to use the facilities and then have trouble falling back asleep. In fact, this is where the self-loathing comes in..I HATE MYSELF! How can I be such a drunk? I am hurting my mind, my body, my family, my friends! Did I go on Facebook last night? Did I drunk text anybody? Did I send an email? Did I call someone? While I have never blacked out, I do have a hard time remembering what I did. I so hate myself. I Promise today will be a new day and I will quit drinking…(Said in the middle of the night, DAILY, for the last 10 years!) Eventually, I fall back to sleep….it is a restless, dreamless sleep and when I wake up a few hours later to get Daughter #3 off to school the self-loathing cycle begins all over again. Sometimes I think that I would blow a breathalyzer if I got pulled over taking her to school. On these days, I don't make it to the gym, so the self-loathing process happens all over again! Then…I get on the computer, and google "Am I an Alcoholic?" I take the questionnaires and of course don't pass them. I don't drink in the morning, I don't drink in the afternoon, I have never blacked out, never drove drunk (hmmm….except maybe taking Daughter #3 and probably Sons #1 and #2 in years past when I drove them to school)….how can I possibly be an alcoholic?
I think, if I'm being totally honest, I drink a bottle and a glass each night. Mr. 53 used to drink like me, but in the last 3 years he has been able to have 2 glasses a night and stop (Yeah! more for me!!!) So, when bed time for me finally rolls around, between 11:30 and 12:30, I'm blotto. I drink a huge glass of water before I go to bed thinking that will stave off the alcohol effects (yeah, right!). Sometimes I even take ADVIL, but not often as I figure I am already hurting my liver with wine. So, I fall asleep like a newborn baby. But, I wake up to use the facilities and then have trouble falling back asleep. In fact, this is where the self-loathing comes in..I HATE MYSELF! How can I be such a drunk? I am hurting my mind, my body, my family, my friends! Did I go on Facebook last night? Did I drunk text anybody? Did I send an email? Did I call someone? While I have never blacked out, I do have a hard time remembering what I did. I so hate myself. I Promise today will be a new day and I will quit drinking…(Said in the middle of the night, DAILY, for the last 10 years!) Eventually, I fall back to sleep….it is a restless, dreamless sleep and when I wake up a few hours later to get Daughter #3 off to school the self-loathing cycle begins all over again. Sometimes I think that I would blow a breathalyzer if I got pulled over taking her to school. On these days, I don't make it to the gym, so the self-loathing process happens all over again! Then…I get on the computer, and google "Am I an Alcoholic?" I take the questionnaires and of course don't pass them. I don't drink in the morning, I don't drink in the afternoon, I have never blacked out, never drove drunk (hmmm….except maybe taking Daughter #3 and probably Sons #1 and #2 in years past when I drove them to school)….how can I possibly be an alcoholic?
So, on this day, I reread Julian Kirkman-Page's article and realize that he has an ENTIRE BOOK about this called "I DON'T DRINK." So, I download it onto my kindle. No more self-loathing for me!
Wishing you a day of no self-loathing!
Love,
Sober at 53
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