March 11, 2016
Day 34
Hello!
I am a total stress case lunatic when it comes to my kids!!!! Tomorrow is Son #2 20th b'day. He goes to community college so he lives at home…for now. He went away for a year and decided to come home for his sophomore year. He is transferring in September and is just waiting to hear where. I tell you this because Son #2 HAS lived away..far away…at college for a year. He has that "college experience."
OK, so luckily for him, his high school friends are all home on Spring Break this week. (How lucky for Son #2) They are going up to one of the friends frat houses at a University in our state to celebrate Son #2's b'day. He will be staying the night. So, Mr. Soberat53 and I commit to going to a fundraiser that is for a charity that is close to a very dear friends heart. It works out perfectly!!! NOT!
2 days ago Son #2 tells me plans have changed. His b'day celebration has been changed to tonight at his friends frat house! He will be home on his b'day! Oh crap…we've made a commitment. Son #2 is fine with us going out. But guess who's not? ME!!!! I feel like a horrible mother…I want a drink..NOW! But, I don't have one..and it's not easy!
So now we are to the night of the celebration. He is gone. I am so damn worried that he is going to drink himself silly. After all, he has been home for almost a year! He hasn't gotten a change to do much partying (well, if you count watching me drink every night then he "officially" is at a party!) I am so worried that he is going to die from alcohol poisoning, get in a car with someone because you now these teens…they are invincible! what if he chokes on his vomit during his sleep? OMG…I am like a bat out of hell crazy woman!!!! I try to talk to Mr. Soberat53 and he keeps telling me he will be fine! (This same Mr. Soberat53 whom I love with all my heart and soul, also told me that he thought that I would be "fine" when I was having a breast biopsy..so he is not God to me anymore..but don't tell him!) I am IMPOSSIBLE to reason with. I am 100% certain that my son is going to die. I WANT A DRINK! PLEASE!!! I CAN'T HANDLE HOW I'M FEELING…NEITHER CAN ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!!!! It's now midnight..should I go jogging? I feel like I'm coming out of my skin…anxiety is a beast! (Thank goodness for that therapy appointment on Monday!).
I decide to practice deep breathing. There is nothing for me to do. I wish I had cigarettes! I get ready for bed and of course text Son #2 to make sure he is alive before I try to sleep. And thankfully he is! So I lie down and want to stab Mr. Soberat53 because he just nods right off to dreamland. No worrying for him! And, no comfort for me from him! (Granted, I am a beast tonight..going to sleep was probably the best thing he could do so I didn't stab him!) I take many deep breaths and guess what?
So now I know yet another reason why I drank. Drinking is the ultimate smokescreen, isn't it?
Wishing you an anxiety free day, and if it's not, I implore you stay away from any knives!
Love,
Sober at 53
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