March 4, 2016
Day 27
Hello!!!
Remember y'day I said that this was going to be hard???? OMG!! I didn't know I could feel so damn sorry for myself. I actually had a pity party! I had to snap out of it. The blogger I told you that helped me so much "mummyisasecretdrinker" has books that she recommends. One is "Kick the Drink…Easily" by Jason Vale. So I download it to my kindle and read, read, read! Reading about not drinking is actually a really great concept (thank you sobermummy). The book is helping me not to drink. I will tell you about the book when I am finished.
But, before I go on, I need to make a confession. No, I did not drink. But I was so wound up and feeling sorry for myself that I did something really bad. Worse than drinking. I bought a pack of cigarettes. No haters please. I am well aware of the dangers of smoking…and this from a person whose body has ALREADY made cancer once before. But of course, I don't think of that then. I smoke a few and feel much better. I actually even smoked one this morning? Why?? I never drank in the morning! It was just like wine..I can't have just one. My OCD like personality kicked in.
Now, I must tell you, I feel like a total alcohol free fraud! I substituted wine for cigarettes. So, what that is telling me (and I got this from the above book I'm reading) is that I'm not really "free" from the vice grip of wine as I am rewarding myself for not drinking with another bad habit. Don't worry, I will throw the smokes away soon. I can't go back…I just can't. But I am so ashamed of myself.
I really think that I need to have a little "bad" in my life…thus the drinking and now some smoking. Maybe I just want to be a bad girl? I don't know. I have a lot to work on.
Please, don't substitute like I did. Trust me, you will feel so awful about yourself. It's not worth it. I thought that with each drag of the cigarette, but it had me….because I let it.
Wishing you the strength that I so wish I had!
In shame,
Sober at 53
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