Day 38 - Emotions Got me

March 16, 2016

Day 38

Hello!

Daughter #3 has special needs.  She participates on a High School team.  She made the team fair and square!  Tonight was the end of the season banquet.  Daughter #3 is 17 years old.  This is her first year on the team.  The seniors spoke about each girl on the team.  It was so nice what they said about my daughter.  She even cried happy tears.  She was so happy.  

But guess who wasn't?  Yep, me!  I was so sad.  When I heard them talk about the accomplishments of all of the other team members, while happy for them, I was sad for me.  My daughter, although making stellar accomplishments of her own, would never achieve the greatness in the sport like her fellow team mates.  She will never earn points for her team.  She will never earn a Varsity letter.  It made me vastly see the difference between her and her typical peers.  Sigh...

She had a fantastic year on the team.  Some bumps in the beginning, but because of a great coach, we were able to work it all out.  Mind you, she is HAPPY.  It's me who is sad.  So guess what I did?  I bet you can!!!!  Yep, I bought Cadbury Chocolate eggs and cigarettes!  My heart was hurting.  And I just wanted to come home and drown my sorrows in a bottle of cabernet.  But I can't.  So I once again substituted!  Again, I feel like a fraud!  When the going gets rough Sober at 53 gets to the store and buys cigarettes!  Makes sense, right?  WTF????  Beat myself up a little more today!

7 more days to my next therapy appointment!  Smoking will be first on my list!

I have to find other ways to vent my emotions…Wine did it for me for years…helped me not to deal.  I guess at 53 it's time to grow up!

Hoping you find other ways to vent today!

Love,

Sober at 53