Day 29 - Smoke free

March 6, 2016

Day 29

Hello!

Just a short post to let you know that I once again, threw away the cigarettes.  Today is a new day!  I've got this!  No substitution…Hopefully! (hmmm…I don't sound very committed, do I?)

Today we fly home…wah!!!  So, its a busy day traveling.  Once again, I have the airport and the airplane to deal with…But I got this!  I survived my first vacation alcohol free.  (still feeling totally shameful as I substituted with cigarettes and feeling like a fraud).

You know, as I think about the smoking…it reminds me of the wine.  If you read my post on self loathing then you understand how wine made me hate myself.  Cigarettes are doing the same thing.  Maybe I need to hate myself?  Maybe I don't really like myself?  I thought I did.  Others seem to like me.  But maybe it's not real.  Maybe it was all under the cloak of wine.  Wine does tricks to your mind. How many times have we said something because we have no filter when drunk?  How many times have we drunk phone called, texted, emailed?  I know I have.  And, in all of the times that I did, whilst doing it, I thought I was justified.  I felt confident.  I felt brave.  It was all a smokescreen.  So maybe me  liking myself is a smokescreen?  It's only been 29 days since I've quit the wine.  I am still in the "honeymoon" stage….proud of myself, confident (well, mostly).  Maybe I drank because I don't like myself.  Oh man…..this not drinking thing is going to be sooooo hard.  Nevermind that I have to engage will power to stay away from the wine, but I am going to have to figure "ME" out!  What if I'm not as good as I think?  What if I'm a horrible person who thought they were good because they always had wine in their system?  Oh good God!  I think I better call a therapist…STAT!!!

Hoping you really like yourself today!

Love,

Sober at 53